You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Stew, you weren't kidding...

...about that Wikipedia article, were you?

Update: Apparently the article was deleted by Dibarri (which just happens to be French for "no sense of humour"), who probably didn't even bother to check the link back here. You know, for a free online encyclopaedia, built and updated by amateurs, and rife with incorrections, political correctness, and out and out sabotaging of articles, the Wikipedia staff certainly are a pompous lot, aren't they?

Anyway, the text of the article was the same as Stew reported below. I am NOT the author!!

The Group of Death and The Group of Swedes

Well, the World Cup Final Draw is now history and all over Argentina, they're cursing like sailors who've just smashed their fingers with a ball-pean hammer, because they got Holland in their group. They also got a tough African squad in Cote d'Ivoire, and Serbia and Montenegro, who are a fairly difficult side, as are most sides made up of footballers whose countries have been in brutal civil wars in the last two decades. Once you've been in genocidal combat, a good crunching tackle from behind is a walk in the park.

Still, their probably much happier than the Italians, who, although being a top seed and offering the best meatballs the world has ever seen, after Sweden's, got two teams ranked higher than them in the group, the Czech Republic and the U.S.A. (USA! USA! How did they get in this bleeding group and Mexico is playing Iran and Angola?) along with Ghana, probably the toughest of the African teams. This is the Group of Death for this World Cup, and the nice thing is that, generally, Groups of Death produce surprises, which will bode well for the US. In addition, the Czeck Republic promises to be a nightmare for announcers, as their goalkeeper is named Cech. ("Cech saves for the Czechs! He's earned his cheque, has that Czech, Cech!!")

England? England are in the Group of Swedes. I say this because Sweden is in the group, England is coached by a Swede, Sven Goran Eriksson (Whose unknown additional name is Elvis), Trinidad and Tobago, who have a waterboy who is one fifth Swedish, and Paraguay, which used to be the country of South Sweden. All right, I made the third one up (and maybe the last one), but that's still two Swedish connections more than any other group, and one more than any other group would have had, if they had drawn Sweden. So, I think I'm onto something here, which may or may not attract anyone's attention, including yours. Anyway, expect plenty of meatballs in the England vs. Sweden game, and plenty of ale after the England vs. Trinidad-Tobago game. As they say in the U.S., always watch out for those hyphen schools.

I think England have a good group which they should get out of, provided they score goals. Any, I mean. For the US, their road is obviously tougher, but they have enough speed and attacking prowess to give the defensively minded Italians a shock, and payback for the loss to them in the under-20's this year, and also, their coach, the talented and intense Bruce Arena, is Italian-American and can teach his players all the choice words before the match.

Angola are quite happy too. They get to play their old colonizers, Portugal, again. The last time they played Angola had four men sent off, and not for dainty fouls like studs up and elbows to the back of the head. They also get to play Iran, which will be burdened by the knowledge that their new President is a sociopathic loony who might do anything if they lose. Then, Angola gets Mexico, a good side with a superiority complex (actually, I'm just referring to their coach.) Then, if they're really lucky and move on, maybe they'll see Brasil in a later round, so they can shake Ronaldinho's hand before getting trounced 5 to nil. Come to think of it, that is the game plan of most of the members of group F (Brasil, Australia, Croatia, Japan). It's certainly a realistic one. Brasil could split into two teams and meet itself in the Final.

The Germans also have a fairly good draw, in that Holland and The Czechs are not in the group. The bad news is that they have to play Poland, who are still pissed about 1939. That should be a beautifully fought, as opposed to played, game.

What the %$#&*!!!!!

Richard Pryor has died. Our condolences to his family.

Somewhere in heaven, an angel's ears are burning right now.

I'm kidding, he'll have cleaned up his act there and the man was about a whole lot more than raunchy tales. He was an incredibly funny fellow, whose personal troubles never seemed to get in the way of his ability to see the humour in everything. He will be missed.

Friday, December 09, 2005

No! Not Holland!!! Anything but Holland!!!!!

For those who may be wondering where I've been the past 48 hours, let me assure you that I have been well occupied to allow myself to be kept away from here. All right, I was asleep most of yesterday evening, but I fully intened to awaken and post last night, except that when I woke up in the lounge chair my body was strangely guided to the bedroom where I immediately passed out. I wrote the most beautiful post in my dreams though. Perhaps one day, I'll remember what it was.

Anyway, the real thing that's been distracting me and that will happen in ten minutes time as I type these words is the World Cup Final Draw. This is the draw where they take the 32 teams that have survived the grueling qualifications phase and put them into 8 groups of 4 teams. There are 8 top seeds, who are listed in a group each, and then the rest of the teams are pulled from 3 other groups of teams. Only 2 teams from each group will make the knockout round, so the general rule is that everyone wants to be in a group with some really sloppy teams.

Holland is not a top seed. Holland are also a brilliant side. So nobody wants to be in that group because they'd have to play Holland and a top seed, which would be like trying to wrestle a tiger with a bear sitting in the wings holding a machine gun and waiting for the leftovers. Brasil is one of the top seeds and they are everyone's favourites, and by everyone, I mean that most of the players for the other teams are picking them to win as well. So no one wants them either. In fact, many teams plan to simply surrender to Brasil should they draw them in the later rounds. The teams who get Brasil in the group stage will mostly ask for autographs and try not to let their eyes pop out of their heads watching Ronaldinho and Robinho dribble the ball.

I'm following the US and England of course, so if you hear a cry of despair, you'll know it's because orange-clad people in wooden shoes will be occupying the other side of the stadium. I think if someone gets Holland, their national team coach should dive and fake an injury in the hopes that they'll ge a redo. Make a big hash of it, man! We don't want to face the Dutch...hold out for Saudi Arabia or Angola!!

Actually, it's a tough field all the way around. Football is the beautiful game, but the draw has some ugly possibilities for some teams. Angola for instance, must play someone else in the tournament.

Shhhhhh!!! It's starting!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Toyland this Christmas! It's a jungle out there.

Being the father of a two boys; one four and the other about to turn two, I have been inundated with toy requests and deeply involved in the search for the "right" toy for this Christmas. Every advertisement that comes on television elicits a, "I want that toy for Christmas daddy", which is followed by my "that looks cool, we'll see". I have learned that one of the ways to search for toys is by the process of elimination. You look at what you don't want to give your kids and that allows you to shorten the list of what you might get them. There are plenty of toys on the market and at this point I do have a short list of items that I won't buy and that I don't think any responsible parent should buy.

Stew's List of Undesirable New Toys

Cabbage Patch Kate - The new Kate Moss doll comes with its own little black bag, mirror, and razor blades. Companion to the new Poppy Patch Boy George doll. (Blow not included)
Tickle Me R. Kelly - Who wouldn't love to give their children the loveable and quite ticklish R. Kelly. Mind the cord.
Rock'em Sock'em Retards- Everyone's favorite divorcing couple Jessica and Nick are duking it out, and I don't mean Daisy Duking it. Whose head will pop up first? Better yet, why did their heads swell up in the first place?
(for a disgusting close up view, click on the photo)
G.I. George Michael - Once a champion of their cause, George is now out to line the walls of his posh West Side flat with squirrel heads. Kids will adore George and want to collect all 35 unique squirrel craniums to trade with their friends.

King Don: From the steamy jungles of Skull Island to the sweaty corporate boardrooms of New York comes a titan with a heart of gold. See him rip a Tyranosaur from limb to limb while sipping a latte at Starbucks.

My Country Tizzle Thee!!!!!!

I don't know how many of you saw the Jermaine Taylor vs. Bernard Hopkins fight this past weekend but from what I've heard the pre-fight National Anthem from R. Kelly made the fight seem like a sideshow. Apparently, Mr. Kelly who must be on furlough from prison, stunned - and I do mean stunned as in mouths agape - the audience with a hip-hop national anthem replete with steppin' dancers and a few other flourishes. Scoop Jackson put it this way in a article on ESPN's website (facetiously, I hope):

Can you believe it? R. Kelly just stepped-out the anthem! He turned the banner into a steppin' cut! He took it to the hood! He brought it back to Chi-town! Unbelievable! That was incredible! America don't know nothin' 'bout that! Bet it's going to be on the radio tomorrow. Turn the radio on now, I bet they already playing it! Dude's a genius. I gotta call you back, my other phone is ringing.

Hearing about the whole episode took me back to the days when I watched a little boxing with my dad. He loved the sweet science almost as much as bowling and would make sure I knew my Muhammad Ali's from my Kenny Norton's back when Howard Cosell ruled the broadcast booth with the occasional cut-away to "Fight Doctor" Ferdie Pacheco. Contemplating the new age of boxing and the R. Kelly debacle I wondered what Howard would have thought about what has become of the sport he loved.... the sport he loved.... (Please start the dream we go)


Cosell: Wel-come to love-ly Las Vegas, Ne-va-da for what is expect to be the apex of pugilistic pleasure for the fans of the sweet science in 2005. Tonight's com-pe-tition between CHAMPION, Jermaine Taylor and former champ Ber-nard Hopkins. But first let's go to Fight Doctor Ferdie Pacheco, Ferdie how do you think the match will play out?

Pacheco: Well Howard, Taylor was strong in the early rounds last time while the older Hopkins may have waited too long to come on. I see a similar fight tonight unless I'm wrong which would lead me to believe that the fight may be different.

Cosell: Ferdie, co-gent an-aly-sis indeed. Without further adieu, let's go to the ring where one R. Kelly will croon our be-loved nations anthem with the dig-ni-ty it de-serves. May I also com-ment quickly that he appears to be SURROUNDED by a choir of some sort, un-doubt-ed-ly to give reverence to our nations won-der-ful ode. And now R. Kelly...

(R. Kelly's hip hop, steppin', jivin', "get up and clap your hands", version of the Star Spangled Banner)

Cosell: (looking like his dog just died) UN-BE-LIEV-ABLE. Words can barely describe what just took place in the ring ladies and gentlemen, but I'll give it a shot. NEVER be-fore have I seen a more deplorable, unpatriotic attempt to vocalize The Star Spangled Banner than what has just transpired down on the floor of the arena. Fight Doctor Ferdie Pa-chec-o, how did it seem to you down there?

Pacheco: All I can say is wow Howard, I don't think I have the street credit to comment on that but I thought the Solid Gold Dancers were a nice touch. And R. Kelly scares me too much.

Cosell: Truly pathetic in-deed. I left the fight business once before and this may do it to me again.


Thanks a lot R. Kelly, now look what you've done. Driven a fantastical representation of the deceased announcer and commentator from the ring once again. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Briefs (No, I'm not describing what I'm wearing)

A few quick items to start the day off:

1. Yes, the posts yesterday (mine, not Stew's) were rather serious and we do try to avoid that. Still, some things and persons just need a bit a ridicule to point out that they are engaging in complete and selfish nonsense. It's what we do.

2. The latest on the squirrel front is that the squirrels are planning a massive strike at doghouses in the suburban United States and Britain, because, as an intercepted squirrel transmission put it, "We don't like the doggies and will gnaw on their haunches until they whine."

It's not a coherent strategy, but what do you expect from squirrels.

3. Eminem is getting back together with his wife. Stop the presses! Put off that press conference Mr. President and Mr. Prime Minister, because we need to acknowledge that Marshall Mathers is hooking back up with Mrs. Mathers!

Listen, I'm as happy as anyone to hear good news about a marriage, but when will the press realize that the personal lives of celebrities is only news because the media assumes that the public are obsessive, intrusive, nasty, voyeuristic little vultures, just like them. Valerie Bertinelli and EddieVan Halen are divorcing? Sad, but not really pertinent compared to the real news. Nick and Jessica? Is it possible to care so little that it can be measured in negative numbers?

4. The correct spelling of "A-Ha!" is "Aaaaaaa-Ha!!!!!", which is exactly what one member of a typical Hollywood broken couple says to the other member of that broken couple when they find out that member has been on a dirty weekend with yet another member of a Hollywood couple which will soon be broken when the news reaches the tabloid who hid a reporter for 72 hours in the garbage can of the first member of the broken Hollywood couple.

As for the band "A-Ha!", I thought they were all killed when they accidentally mixed Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola whilst standing on the edge of a rather high fjord? Glad to hear it was just a rumour.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Speaking of immasculated...

An atheist student group at the University of Texas-San Antonio are trying to get college kids to trade in religious tests for pornography.

I'm not going to name the student leader here (although his name is featured prominently in the interview) but can we agree that, whatever your religious beliefs or lack of beliefs, that this young man and his colleagues are, in the strictest and most exact sense possible, complete and utter dim-bulbs? As I see everyone is nodding their heads yes, I'll continue.

I mean, first off, this is a college campus, where presumably women's groups (as well as religious groups) occasionally speak out about the destructive nature of pornography, the ways in which drugs and violence are often used to exploit women in these situations. Do these simpletons really think that this is going to put them in Scotch with the women's groups?

The person interviewed says a number of delightfully ridiculous and arrogant things, obviously so enamoured of his own prurient cleverness at, among other things, comparing the Bible to smut (I suppose it was passages like, "Love thy neighbor" and "Thou shalt not commit adultery" set off these geniuses. Maybe the Song of Solomon got them so worked up, their fevered little minds couldn't differentiate this passionate portrayal of married love from their regular subscription to Celebrity Skin. No there's no link to that.) Also, he make it clear that he picks up girls "constantly." Oh, yes, we're sure about that. How could they resist lines like, "Come on over to my place baby and I'll trade that Navigator's New Testament you've got for some old copies of Swank!"

Actually, I will be very surprised if the young man has so much as touched a woman. I say that in all sympathy, having been spectacularly unsuccessful with the opposite sex in college, but whereas my shyness has (obviously) worn off, I'm not so sure traits like naked arrogance and ignorance, as displayed by the young man from San Antonio, will be so easy to shed. Especially if network news personalities are going to happily provide them with the publicity they crave, just to have an excuse to use the word "porn" in a news story to drive up the ratings. (...Apparently especially high in San Antonio.)

Mind you, people have a right to believe whatever they like in America. If this young man wants to convince himself in worn out tropes such as that the Bible "contradicts itself on nearly every page" (Whatever you think of it, that claim is ridiculous on the face of it, like saying the Bhagavad Gita was written in Welsh) or display his ignorance by suggesting that religious documents were "Bronze Aged tribal nonsense, these things written by people in tents ages ago" when the New Testament was written well after the end of the Iron Age and the high points of Greek philosophy (and although I'm a Christian and don't believe in it at all, it's worth pointing out that the Koran was written well after that in the most advanced society of the time), he's fully entitled to display such astounding ignorance and smile whilst doing it.

Of course, we are entitled to rights also, such as the right to be outraged or in my case to laugh sadly in the young man's direction at such counterproductive nonsense.

Listen, I realize it's college, and all college students are far less intelligent than they think they are, especially after all the underage drinking and staying up all night playing Risk and video games, and finding plausible arguments to convince Tucker Carlson that they're strumpet magnets, but at some point you just have to stop and point out that not every idea makes you a clever unfortunate choice of words in this case, but true nonetheless.

The squirrels up the ante?

Mrs. Fando and the littlest Fando were preparing to make the trek to school this morning when thaey discovered a rather large hole in our minivan's back driver's side window. The window itself was completely cracked and useless.

The glass people suggested that someone drove by with a BB gun and shot out the window, or at least part of it. The police think someone might have tried to break the window to get at something in the car and left when it didn't completely break, frightened by my snoring.

I have three theories:

1. The glass people are right. Stupid, ignorant, impotent, smelly, and probably drunken teens or adults drove by and shot off a BB, and unluckily for us (and for them, if I catch the sodden bastards), in the best shot of their lives caught the window at the right angle and shattered it. These would of course be the kind of people who could care less whose property they destroy in their quest to find some desperate substitute for the romantically intimate satisfaction that they will never enjoy. So they ride around together instead, like packs of vicious schoolgirls, firing off BBs at anything they think will break or shatter, cackling like hyenas. Then they head off to someone's house to sit up all night figuring out why females won't acknowledge their existence.

2. The police are right. Stupid, ignorant, impotent, smelly, and greedy teens or adults walked by and tried to do a "smash and grab" and then, being the gutless, pathetic weasels that they are, ran off when they were unable to get into the vehicle. These are the kind of people who, like the large, misshapen oaf of an 18 year old who stole the purse from an 83 year old woman in one of the towns in our media area, are so utterly selfish and would sell their own grandmothers if it would bring them one more hit of methamphetamine, some other form of dope, or the latest Playstation 2 Batman game. They are also completely immasculated. Just thought you should know.

3. The squirrels did it. While I haven't seen any in the area, I know they are tricky little blighters and, on the heels of my revelation that they have stepped up their campaign to repay the canine world for years of oppression, which the rest of the animal kingdom accepts is richly deserved for these buck-toothed, acorn-hoarding, little parasites, I suspect they are paying me back for letting the world onto their little scheme. After all, the window might have been shattered by a well-placed acorn.

Forgiveness is necessary for the first two of course (though charges will be pressed as necessary.)

The squirrels are another matter. Can I forgive them and still unleash furious dog retribution? It's worth a shot. Yes, I'm angry, but I hope it was the squirrels. Them, I can deal with as I like.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

A-ha, The Jig is Up!!!!!!! Wasn't that their third studio album? Those Norwegian lads did have a beat you could dance to didn't they. What are you on about now Earl?

Check out this site, A-ha related haikus.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I deny that completely...

It couldn't have been me Stew. I avoid the use of the word "execrable" because it reminds me of poop.

That was close!!!!!!!

I was finally able to pull myself away from those squirrels by throwing a handful of acorns in their eyes; but be warned, those little tree huggers are dynamite. While trying to devise a way to put squirrel-seeking thermonuclear warheads on the backs of Dobermans I ran across this article at the TechWeb website concerning my old nemesis Wikipedia, as opposed to my new nemesis, pine cone munching rodents. Once again DOUI is on the cutting edge as our expose of Wikipedia ran in April, although I don't remember much about it after the black helicopter people flashed me with those lights. Anyway, it all seems to be coming home to roost now for my friends over at the Wikipedia who I consider charlatans of the lowest rank. Here for instance is my bio at Wikipedia.

Stew Miller - Stew is the co-editor and piss boy for the online humor blog Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas along with the outstandingly attractive and virile Earl Fando. Stew is known for his flights of fancy and appallingly bad grammar, but is sometimes funny allowing that you can get a fifth of Scotch into him. A metro-sexual with horrendous breath and a tin ear, he spends most of his time picking lint out of his navel with a specially fashioned paperclip. When not participating in this dreadful habit he wiles away the hours doing his Roscoe P. Coltrane imitation and trying to pick up sailors down at Portsmouth dock. People have referred to him as objectionable, disagreeable, unpleasant, contemptible, despicable, detestable, hateful, unhealthy, unwholesome, execrable, lousy, miserable, atrocious, heinous, unspeakable, barbarous, and uncivilized, and these people were his friends.

I researched further and found out that this smear campaign was the work of one: EF, as he's known in the Wiki world. Watch out EF, whoever you are, I'm gunnin' for ya.

Mise en scène provided by Sgt. Fido

Police work is going to the dogs...literally. The Beeb website's story on camera wielding police dogs seems harmless enough at first, however, in the greater scheme of the Dog/Squirrel Wars it can't just be overlooked. I mean, we could all just let sleeping dogs lie and forget about the horror that is the merciless slaughtering of canines and squirrels in Russia but I, for one, shall not. Since my bark is sometimes worse than my bite I would like to assure the reader that I am serious about this and shall not sit or lie down until I have exposed this tragedy to as many people as possible.

I think it was the philosopher Max Speebek who once said, "You can lead a dog to water, but he'll still make a mess of your carpet." This, I believe, is the crux of matter, and regardless they are cute in those little camera cradles aren't they. Not like a squirrel, I mean, they could never look as cute and cuddly as the affable pooch all gussied up in one of those things.

I don't want to make it appear that I am siding with the dogs here, the squirrel has many fine qualities and is cute in its own right, but I still prefer man's best friend. For heaven's sake, who wants to see a vicious bloodthirsty squirrel flying through the air swooping down on a poor unsuspecting pup, bent on gnawing through its snout with those rapacious buckteeth. Whew! The thought makes me cringe and might give me nightmares if I don't replace it with happy thoughts of little fluffy puppies.

Now, back to the great Dog/Squirrel War and the horrors of a conflict that will not be settled until that last paw is laid down and the nuts are put away (that was not a reference to Ben Affleck). I'm sorry I got carried away on that tangent about how cute dogs with camera equipment strapped to their heads can be. What was I thinking? Anyway, we need to focus all of our positive energy toward striving for a truce between the two parties.

(sounds of screeching squirrels growing increasingly loud)

AHHHHHHH!!!!! We're being attacked by flying squirrel troopers! Someone call Scotland Yard and get a few of those camera wielding German Shepards over here post haste!!!!!!!!! Oh, the humanity!!!!!!!! Get away from me you bucktoothed little rodents.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Patience? What patience?

A news article from Reuters reports that Iranian officials' patience is running out for Western nations, regarding opposition to Iranian plans to enrich uranium for weapons...excuse me, I meant to say "peaceful" purposes (winks repeatedly, rolls eyes).

Let's look at an excerpt from the press conference:


Iranian Nuclear Official: Greetings, I would like to open this press conference with a short statement. We the People's Islamic Revolutionary Government of Iran, are growing impatient with the Great Satan of the West, whose vile entreaties defile our children and women and especially our cattle...etc. etc...and we should be allowed to enrich nuclear material in our nation, so we can secretly convert it to nuclear weapons, just like the hated Zionist swine who have illegally invaded the holy lands of our Palestinian brothers and sisters and defile...yada, yada. Listen, you people know where I'm going with this, so let's just cut out all the boilerplate. There is another two pages and I know you have deadlines to meet. First question.

First Reporter: Ali Musad, Daily Prophet. Are you planning to build a nuclear weapon that you will use to destroy the Zionist invaders in Palestine?

Iranian Nuclear Official: Listen Ali, I can't go into details because of the sensitivity of the negotiations, but I think my statement covered that in some detail, minus all the usual stuff about the Zionists, which you can add later in the write up. I can guarantee all of you though, especially the Western Satan reporters present, may your bowels explode with pestilence, that we have no plans to build our use a nuclear weapon of any kind whatsoever, especially not in Tel Aviv anytime after April 27, 2007...but that's a rough date. Yes, next question.

Second Reporter: Earl Fando, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. Let me just ask this simple question: If you are, in fact, planning on the purely humanitarian uses of nuclear generated energy, as you continue to reiterate discursively, would it then be a hyperbolic exaggeration to observe that your internal political discourse is actually veering quite deliberately towards an aggressive and hedgemonic use of atomic violence towards the democracy situated in the Holy Land that you euphemistically refer to as the "Zionist imperialistic invading swine"...

Iranian Nuclear Official: Well, I think...

Second Reporter: Hang on a tick, I'm not finished... and in view of this rhetorical dichotomy regarding your stated non-proliferation aims and the outspoken, indeed antagonistically sociopathic pronouncements of the ruling oligarchy currently ensconced in political control of your nation, to then consider your general elocution on any matters involving the development or use of nuclear weapondry against your neighbors based in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv to be about as valuable as seagull droppings?

Iranian Nuclear Official: Fando? That's a Zionist name isn't it?

Second Reporter: It's actually Gaelic-Cantonese-Latin with a hint of Finnish. Now about my question?

Transcript ends, as I was thrown out...


I don't know about you but I feel far more at ease now about the whole Iranian nuclear programme! (Winks repeatedly, much like Commissioner Dreyfus in the Pink Panther movies.)