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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The squirrels up the ante?

Mrs. Fando and the littlest Fando were preparing to make the trek to school this morning when thaey discovered a rather large hole in our minivan's back driver's side window. The window itself was completely cracked and useless.

The glass people suggested that someone drove by with a BB gun and shot out the window, or at least part of it. The police think someone might have tried to break the window to get at something in the car and left when it didn't completely break, frightened by my snoring.

I have three theories:

1. The glass people are right. Stupid, ignorant, impotent, smelly, and probably drunken teens or adults drove by and shot off a BB, and unluckily for us (and for them, if I catch the sodden bastards), in the best shot of their lives caught the window at the right angle and shattered it. These would of course be the kind of people who could care less whose property they destroy in their quest to find some desperate substitute for the romantically intimate satisfaction that they will never enjoy. So they ride around together instead, like packs of vicious schoolgirls, firing off BBs at anything they think will break or shatter, cackling like hyenas. Then they head off to someone's house to sit up all night figuring out why females won't acknowledge their existence.

2. The police are right. Stupid, ignorant, impotent, smelly, and greedy teens or adults walked by and tried to do a "smash and grab" and then, being the gutless, pathetic weasels that they are, ran off when they were unable to get into the vehicle. These are the kind of people who, like the large, misshapen oaf of an 18 year old who stole the purse from an 83 year old woman in one of the towns in our media area, are so utterly selfish and would sell their own grandmothers if it would bring them one more hit of methamphetamine, some other form of dope, or the latest Playstation 2 Batman game. They are also completely immasculated. Just thought you should know.

3. The squirrels did it. While I haven't seen any in the area, I know they are tricky little blighters and, on the heels of my revelation that they have stepped up their campaign to repay the canine world for years of oppression, which the rest of the animal kingdom accepts is richly deserved for these buck-toothed, acorn-hoarding, little parasites, I suspect they are paying me back for letting the world onto their little scheme. After all, the window might have been shattered by a well-placed acorn.

Forgiveness is necessary for the first two of course (though charges will be pressed as necessary.)

The squirrels are another matter. Can I forgive them and still unleash furious dog retribution? It's worth a shot. Yes, I'm angry, but I hope it was the squirrels. Them, I can deal with as I like.

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