It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Patience? What patience?

A news article from Reuters reports that Iranian officials' patience is running out for Western nations, regarding opposition to Iranian plans to enrich uranium for weapons...excuse me, I meant to say "peaceful" purposes (winks repeatedly, rolls eyes).

Let's look at an excerpt from the press conference:

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Iranian Nuclear Official: Greetings, I would like to open this press conference with a short statement. We the People's Islamic Revolutionary Government of Iran, are growing impatient with the Great Satan of the West, whose vile entreaties defile our children and women and especially our cattle...etc. etc...and we should be allowed to enrich nuclear material in our nation, so we can secretly convert it to nuclear weapons, just like the hated Zionist swine who have illegally invaded the holy lands of our Palestinian brothers and sisters and defile...yada, yada. Listen, you people know where I'm going with this, so let's just cut out all the boilerplate. There is another two pages and I know you have deadlines to meet. First question.

First Reporter: Ali Musad, Daily Prophet. Are you planning to build a nuclear weapon that you will use to destroy the Zionist invaders in Palestine?

Iranian Nuclear Official: Listen Ali, I can't go into details because of the sensitivity of the negotiations, but I think my statement covered that in some detail, minus all the usual stuff about the Zionists, which you can add later in the write up. I can guarantee all of you though, especially the Western Satan reporters present, may your bowels explode with pestilence, that we have no plans to build our use a nuclear weapon of any kind whatsoever, especially not in Tel Aviv anytime after April 27, 2007...but that's a rough date. Yes, next question.

Second Reporter: Earl Fando, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. Let me just ask this simple question: If you are, in fact, planning on the purely humanitarian uses of nuclear generated energy, as you continue to reiterate discursively, would it then be a hyperbolic exaggeration to observe that your internal political discourse is actually veering quite deliberately towards an aggressive and hedgemonic use of atomic violence towards the democracy situated in the Holy Land that you euphemistically refer to as the "Zionist imperialistic invading swine"...

Iranian Nuclear Official: Well, I think...

Second Reporter: Hang on a tick, I'm not finished... and in view of this rhetorical dichotomy regarding your stated non-proliferation aims and the outspoken, indeed antagonistically sociopathic pronouncements of the ruling oligarchy currently ensconced in political control of your nation, to then consider your general elocution on any matters involving the development or use of nuclear weapondry against your neighbors based in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv to be about as valuable as seagull droppings?

Iranian Nuclear Official: Fando? That's a Zionist name isn't it?

Second Reporter: It's actually Gaelic-Cantonese-Latin with a hint of Finnish. Now about my question?

Transcript ends, as I was thrown out...

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I don't know about you but I feel far more at ease now about the whole Iranian nuclear programme! (Winks repeatedly, much like Commissioner Dreyfus in the Pink Panther movies.)

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