You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Earth declared not to be a planet!

According to the International Astronomical Union, in their decision to declare that Pluto is no longer a planet, a planet is an astronomical body in the Solar System that has cleared its orbit.

Imagine their surprise when Bob Summerfield, founder of a nonprofit astronomical society in Pennsylvania, reminded them that Earth has also not cleared its orbit.

"Ach du lieber!" responded IAU President Catherine J. Cesarsky, who promptly called together the Executive body of the IAU for an emergency session. They swiftly released a statement to clarify the situation.

"As of January 30th, 2007, at 10:50 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time, just as soon as we got the telegram, Earth is no longer classified as a planet, but instead shall now be referred to as an 'interstellar thingy.'" Then they all went out for drinks.

An IAU Associate member explained the situation on condition of anonymity. "Ist really quvite embarazzing. Ve came up with dat definition in order to reclazzify Pluto, but everyvone of us should have remembered dat Die Earth vails to meet der criteria for planetary clazzivication as vell," She said in a thick German accent. "I guess dis vill teach us to serve alcohol at die conventions!" she added with a soused giggle.

The reaction was mixed. Organizers of "Save the Planet" contemplated changing the name of the group to "Save the Interstellar Thingy" but finally settled on "Save the Thingy." School teacher Donna Governor of Cumming, Georgia said, "I've been saying Pluto's not a planet for years but to find out that Earth isn't either... I guess it just goes to show what a dunderhead I am!" She was then pelted with erasers by her students.

NASA issued a press release indicating that they didn't know what the hell to do and so they would continue sending up space shuttles, International Space Station missions, and other busy work, and ignore the IAU until sober heads took over the leadership. They indicated that could take years.

"At least Mars is still a planet," said Claus Van Shindershoss, "of NASA's research wing. "At least until they find out about all those asteroids nearby."

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I think it'll play well in Little Havana.

Deep-voiced Announcer guy:

From the people who brought you Little Man and the epic Indian saga The Last of the Moesha's comes a story of unbridled love between a dictator and... well another dictator. He's going to get by, with a little help from his friends.

Weekend at Fidel's

cue Sanford and Son music

Starring Fidel Castro as a dictator who just wanted to be loved and step on the throats of those who would cross him. Fidel's not going down easy, that's for sucka's, and Fidel don't play dat.

And making his debut performance as the loveable scamp Hugo is Hugo Chavez in a role that was made for him. A two-bit thug of a dictator with the intelligence of a marmot and the heart of a slug. He's going to help his totalitarian buddy out, one step at a time.

Jonathon Silverman is back as Richard Parker the pasty white comic relief. Will it be a forced labor camp or rolling Cuban cigars for poor Richard? You'll have to see the movie to find out although we can tell you that it's the forced labor camp.

Variety says:
"A tour du force performance by the semi-ambulatory body of Fidel Castro. We wept, we laughed, we wet ourselves... well Army Archerd did but that has nothing to do with the movie."

"We lit a stogie in honor of the demise of the man who holds our cigars hostage, except the ones we illegally import."- Cigar Aficionado

"You will die for this outrage you capitalist swine." - Dictator's World and Jackbooted Thug Weekly

"Antonio Banderas' turn as the cute and cuddly Elian Gonzanles was quite simply hot." - Tiger Beat

"If you only see one movie this year, you're most likely a recluse who should socialize more. Make this the year that you break out of that shell." - Dr. Phil


Fidel's the life of the Party... the Communist Party that is. Propping up a dictatorship was never this easy.

Coming to a theater near you this spring or summer. He can't last forever.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A brand new Vista to stumble through.

Microsoft has just released it's new Windows Vista operating system. Why "Vista?" Because "Windows Crapulence" just doesn't have the same kind of buzz.

Yes, I've heard that Vista will be chock-full of new features and great graphics, but that only means that the 18 month old PC on my desk at home will be obsolete that much sooner, as the 1 GB RAM on it is just barely enough to run the new OS. Lovely old business computing, isn't it?

Quite frankly, I see Vista as the same as Internet Explorer 7: A brand new bloated piece of software that changes a lot of things unecessarily - like the interface and certain commands, while doing nothing new of any importance. Still there'll no doubt be loads of bells and whistles that will make computer geeks salivate like hounds in a baconatorium. What are some of these? I'm glad you asked.

New Features of Microsoft Windows Vista


  • Elevator music especially composed by Bill Gates to while away the hours waiting for your programs to load
  • New surround sound drivers create the authentic feel of listening to broken headphones
  • Automatically seeks out and destroys any IPods in the users home
  • Special windows events sound templates include "Bill's flatulence," "The silent blue screen of death," "Bill and Melinda's private noises" and "Michael Bolton unplugged."
  • New sounds synthesized from the actual desperate cries of Microsoft employees under the lash

Video and Graphics

  • Graphics are now available in three versions: 2-D, 3-D, and working
  • Video guaranteed to run at full-motion speeds during Windows advertisements
  • New "transparent windows" allow you to make certain windows completely invisible and impossible to find again
  • New video accelerator makes sports and pornography seem almost real, if you've had a few drinks and are into that sort of thing

System Features

  • New security features allow Bill Gates to see into your home at night, especially in bathrooms
  • Rebooting is twice as fast as Windows XP and works almost every other time
  • New Windows Firewall automatically allows spyware to work on Netscape and Firefox as well as Internet Explorer
  • Interface buttons have been completely redesigned and jumbled around to give users the wonderful old feeling of learning it all over again
  • System backup guaranteed to restore most files, excluding ones containing the letters W, E, S, U, C, and K in the filenames
  • Operating system conveniently charges users for upgrades whether they work or not
  • Mouse locking is accompanied by soothing music and pictures of Hawaii to help lower blood pressure and death threats to Bill
  • Web filter guaranteed to block out pornography, adult language, and anything developed by Steve Jobs

Other Features

  • Comes with a variety of multimedia sample files, including "The Best of Public Domain Polkas" and "Spinsters Go Wild - The Music Video"
  • Includes Microsoft Word 2007 - Incomprehensible Version
  • Comes with an assortment of new games designed to show of the Vista OS's features - Includes: "System Crash," "Windows Error 501," and "Frogger"
  • Special "Non-refundable" feature available for all users

Monday, January 29, 2007

Remembering Everything

According to this article from March of 2006, there is a woman who can remember everything she has ever experienced, down to the specific date and detail. Apparently, she makes a living as a professional Trivial Pursuit player.

While this second fact is not actually true, it is what I'd do if I had the freakish ability to remember every little thing. What else could it be good for, except perhaps as a really snotty academician's party trick.

"Ah, I'm afraid you're dead wrong there Professor Wallaby. The Breton War of Succession wasn't started in 1342, it was actually started in 1341 when Edward III attempted to lay claim to the French throne. I should also point out that you totally misrepresented Castillian naval strategy at the Battle of La Rochelle during cocktails."

"I see. Of course, you know Smithson that this is the exact reason I'll be voting against granting you tenure, you pompous twerp."

Still, I suppose the lady in question never loses her car keys or has to write down a phone number, so there would be some advantages. Still, it takes some of the mystery out of life doesn't it? Questions like, "What was that mysterious young lady's name at that party?" or "Did I remember to put the car in park?" would be simply categorized away as concrete and easily accessible knowledge, "Maude" and "No, which explains why the car is in the sitting room," being the answers.

Excuses would be impossible also, so you'd have to be brutally honest: "No, of course I didn't forget your birthday. I can't you see. I simply ignored it because I didn't want to waste two hours of my life with such a mirthless git, seeing as I'd remember every excrutiating detail."

All in all, it wouldn't be a basket of roses now, would it?