Comedian Disclaimers

I don't get to go to comedy clubs. I live in a town that has one open occasionally and then close down after the majority of the acts that turn out are Open mic'ers. Nonetheless, I've seen many a comedian on telly and it seems to me that they should all come with disclaimers. There are plenty of comedians out there, but there are certain styles that we see over and over again. Determining how originally funny a comedian is, even for an audience that's cold and not entirely sober (two prime conditions for a fine comedy environment) in large part depends on how familiar you are with the style being employed. So, here are some disclaimers I recommend comedians use in advance of their acts, just to help out their audiences.*

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Neurotic Comedian - "Hi. First of all, I'm not really very good at this. Talking in front of large groups of people makes me sweat profusely. I don't even actually have any jokes prepared. Instead, I'm just going to talk about my miserable love life and my relationship with my parents. Quite frankly, it's embarrassing as hell, but everyone seems to think that it's really funny and it keeps getting me bookings. In fact, if my current relationship works out badly enough, I may get on The Tonight Show."

Observational Comedian - "Did you ever notice that guys (or gals) like me spend most of our time talking about things you've seen at least a million times? I mean, you've seen them. They're familiar, commonplace, and yet, I'm about to describe them to you in ways that you scarely could have imagined. This is mostly because you're far more well-adjusted than me, but it's also because I have much more time on my hands to recognise things such as that blue water in toliets is really quite peculiar and that cereal packaging is far more difficult to open than you'd think."

Improvisational Comedian - "I come to you with nothing. This is my plan. I'm going to make it up as I go along. Not only that, but I'm going to ask you to help me out by picking some of the topics I'll be discussing. Is this because I think that you have a really great sense of what's funny? Of course not, I simply know that if you pick the topic out you'll be that much more likely to laugh if I make a double-entendre out of it."

Angry Comedian - "I hate you all. I hate everything. The screaming and cursing you are about to experience would make you cry if I did it to you in a shopping mall or at the post office. However, the fact that I'm doing it up here registers as humour in your brain. This is beneficial to both of us. I get paid to rant at you for every little thing in my life that is out of control, including your presence in it. You get some amusement out of the whole thing, as well as comforting yourself with the lie that I don't really mean it."

Props Comedian - "I have no jokes to speak of. I merely rely upon your certainty that oversized hats, rubber chickens, and crazy wigs are hiliarious. The moment you suddenly feel in the mood for a verbal comedian is the moment I go to my exploding watermelon routine. (Pulls out sledgehammer) Enjoy!"

Zany Comedian - "I drank forty-seven cups of expresso before I got here this evening (does brief Brando/Godfather impersonation). Not only will this quell my nervousness at performing in front of a large druken hostile crowd such as yourselves (Mugs and makes a drunken gesture with fist), but it will also help me to say pretty much anything that comes to mind, no matter how controversial or silly, and let's face it, you people eat that crap up like McDonald's french fries. (Says something rapidly in French, punctuated by the word "Big Mac" which is delivered with a thrusting motion.)

References Comedian - "I'm just going to tell you now that some of you people, like Nebuchadnezzar and the writing on the wall, aren't going to get many of my jokes. You people will be left stone-faced and drooling, like Schrödinger's cat or Socrates after the hemlock. Unless you're willing to browse the Encyclopedia Britannica during the performance, much in the way Rimsky-Korsakoff read counterpoint and harmony a day ahead of his Conservatoire du St. Petersburg classes, you people will be more lost than Prospero and Ariel on a starless night in Thor Heyerdahl's Kon-Tiki."

Impressionist Comedian - "I will now proceed to sound like every celebrity you have ever heard. I hope that this amuses you because I'm woefully short on punchlines and raconteuring. I can however repeat David Niven's Oscar line about shortcomings with all the fidelity of Memorex."

Feminist Comedian - "Those of you in the audience who are men or subservient, easily-cowed women might as well leave now, because I'll just piss you off with my confidence and deep-seated frustration that most of the people in this business aren't women."

Sexist Comedian - "Those of you who are women, men with good taste, or pretty much anyone who doesn't find jokes about boobs, phalluses or sex in public places with ugly strangers funny might as well leave, cause that's all I got baby."

Avant-Garde Comedian - "I'm not here to be funny you simpletons. I'm here to challenge you intellectually by assualting your sensibilities. You will not enjoy this, but years from now, when asked about this famous performance, you will claim to have laughed all night and understood every nuance of my intent, you lying bastards."

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*Of course comedy is an immensely difficult and challengeing occupation. I want to make it clear that I understand that, in case I run into any comedians who on the off-chance have read this article and are heavily armed.

Happy Late Anniversary to Us.

For what it's worth, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is now three years of age, or at least has been since January 20th. It was a Sunday, so I imagine I was sleeping after a long musical session at church and missed it.

So, the terrible twos are over. All those contributing writers who've been hiding away these last few months please feel free to make an appearance or two or twelve.

Oh, and you may have noticed I'm not playing the game of irritating the blog awards people this year. I'm past that. It was fun whilst it lasted, but there were a few too many people who took things too seriously (not the actual awards people, who were lovely for the most part). If it happens (fat ruddy chance), it happens. It's not like we'd attend the ceremony or anything. Still, the award logo graphic would look smart in the top corner of the page next to our Blog of the Day award.

This is not a plea for votes, mind you. That's up to you. I promised myself I wasn't going to do two things over the last 12 months: Write a novel and plead for an award. Mission accomplished.

Celestial Fertility Drugs?

Well, just when you thought you'd seen it all, news from the world of cosmology (via old-standard Yahoo! News) informs us that old stars are giving birth again.

I was particularly alarmed at the prospect of Joan Collins or Elizabeth Taylor unleashing their demented progeny into an already dangerously unstable entertainment world. Then I remembered that "cosmology" was about the study of the universe and not the same thing as the make-up bird on What Not to Wear* (as charming as she may be). However, this was only somewhat of a relief.

Ancient stars giving birth unexpectedly may seem like loads of fun to bored astronomers and physicists, but from where I'm standing, just about 93 million miles from one of those ancient stars, it's simply more weight on the troubling old existential boilerplate.

Think about it this way, one minute we're all not looking at the sun, just like they tell us not to do becuase we'll burn our corneas off. Then, without so much as a "Doctor Wilson to Obstetrics...stat!" over the celestial intercom, "Splat!" and in comes Earth Junior, knocking us out of our rightful place in the Solar System, much in the same way that Jay Leno beat David Letterman to The Tonight Show back in 1992. Only in this case, instead of hightailing it to CBS, we'd be smashed flat as a flapjack and sent careening in the general direction of Andromeda.

Why can't these ageing stars simply adopt, like Madonna and Brangelina? It's safer for all concerned and doesn't result in any disfunctional planets and the sudden demise of comedy-blog writers, their families and their small but deeply dedicated fan base. The paperwork can't be that intimidating, can it?

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*Don't blame me. Mrs. Fando enjoys the programme and it's seeped into my subconscious.

Fear of What?

So, Stew and I were... what's that? Yes, Stew is still alive and well. Thanks for asking.

Anyway, Stew and I were discussing the interesting fact that neither of us has ever managed to ride in a cab, either in the States or Britain. We decided some sort of phobia must be responsible, and set about to naming the condition. "Taxicabophobia" was about the best we could do over heavily-crusted pizza and salad.

Yes, it does rather roll off the tongue like an iron Twiglet.

Nonetheless, it has occurred to me that there are a number of fears out there that probably have yet to be named in a comedy blog. So, for the sake of science, mental health, and the odd chance of a Google AdSense hit, here is my humble effort to rectify the problem:

• Rectiphobia - Fear of people scatologically misinterpreting the use of words like "rectify," "reticulate," and "rectangle."
• Pizzeriabuffephobia - Fear of consuming pizza and salad in the same meal. Rare, from what I can gather.
• Fetwigletiphobia - Fear of Iron Twiglets.

All right, I can see this is getting us nowhere. Allow me to try again, with a bit more focus and generalisation.

• Misunderestimataphobia - Fear that you will use a word George W. Bush has made up in a newspaper article. Rumours are that the New York Times has an in-house psychiatrist who deals with this full-time.
• Pelosistouophobia - Fear of being forced to sit and watch the U.S. State of the Union address with an enraged Nancy Pelosi beside you.
• Cheneystouophobia - Fear of being forced to sit and watch the U.S. State of the Union address with a belligerent Dick Cheney besides you
• Pelosistouobangophobia or Cheneystouobangophobia - Fear that one or the other of them might be heavily armed.
• Standositophobia - Fear that you will stand up at the wrong time during the State of the Union address for your party.

All right, it seems that I'm off track again. So much on my mind this evening. Let's give it one more try then.

• Drowseoblogophobia - Fear that you will lose precious sleep typing inane jokes in a blog into the wee hours of the night.

Crikey, I happen to have that very condition. That's it then... I'm off.

Campaign Threads - A Follow-Up

Rather than just leave you with the headlines my source predicted would appear, I decided to follow-up on them and found that they were confirmed in print and photo. If you want to see what I mean, just click on the linked headlines below or check out the pictures underneath.

• "Stallone Possibly Endorses McCain, Enthusiastic Mumbling at Rally"
  
• "Thompson Withdraws: Returns to 'Sanity of Hollywood'"


• "Rudy Sightings in Loch Ness, Mt. Everest, and Boca Raton"



















• "Obama Underdog to Face Hillary on American Gladiators"


• "Romney Vows Further Triangulation"
  
• "Ron Paul: 'I'm Really a Republican... No, Seriously, Guys!'"
  

















• "Edwards Blames Blow-Dryer for S.C. Performance"
  
• "Kucinich Transitions to Candidacy for Ambassador to Klingon Empire"
  
• "Hillary's Pledge: 'Contract on Obama'"
  
• "Chuck Norris Accidentally Breaks Huckabee In Two"
  
• "McCain Hammers Romney, Ball-Peen Suspected"
  
• "Rudy's Revelation: 'Easy Come, Easy Go'"
  
• "Former President Clinton's Shock: 'Obama's Black?'"
  
• "Paul Supporters Promise Conniptions and Blackouts"
  
• "Joe Biden Found in N.H. Snowbank"