It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Fear of What?

So, Stew and I were... what's that? Yes, Stew is still alive and well. Thanks for asking.

Anyway, Stew and I were discussing the interesting fact that neither of us has ever managed to ride in a cab, either in the States or Britain. We decided some sort of phobia must be responsible, and set about to naming the condition. "Taxicabophobia" was about the best we could do over heavily-crusted pizza and salad.

Yes, it does rather roll off the tongue like an iron Twiglet.

Nonetheless, it has occurred to me that there are a number of fears out there that probably have yet to be named in a comedy blog. So, for the sake of science, mental health, and the odd chance of a Google AdSense hit, here is my humble effort to rectify the problem:

  • Rectiphobia - Fear of people scatologically misinterpreting the use of words like "rectify," "reticulate," and "rectangle."
  • Pizzeriabuffephobia - Fear of consuming pizza and salad in the same meal. Rare, from what I can gather.
  • Fetwigletiphobia - Fear of Iron Twiglets.

All right, I can see this is getting us nowhere. Allow me to try again, with a bit more focus and generalisation.

  • Misunderestimataphobia - Fear that you will use a word George W. Bush has made up in a newspaper article. Rumours are that the New York Times has an in-house psychiatrist who deals with this full-time.
  • Pelosistouophobia - Fear of being forced to sit and watch the U.S. State of the Union address with an enraged Nancy Pelosi beside you.
  • Cheneystouophobia - Fear of being forced to sit and watch the U.S. State of the Union address with a belligerent Dick Cheney besides you
  • Pelosistouobangophobia or Cheneystouobangophobia - Fear that one or the other of them might be heavily armed.
  • Standositophobia - Fear that you will stand up at the wrong time during the State of the Union address for your party.

All right, it seems that I'm off track again. So much on my mind this evening. Let's give it one more try then.

  • Drowseoblogophobia - Fear that you will lose precious sleep typing inane jokes in a blog into the wee hours of the night.

Crikey, I happen to have that very condition. That's it then... I'm off.

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