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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Blazing a Campaign Trail

The U.S. Presidential campaign is well underway, with several state primaries, caucuses, and thingamabobs having already taken place. The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas will not, of course, endorse any particular candidate, feeling that all the current participants are quite adequate for their fair share of laughs.

However, as the poltical battle is shaping up as big news, and as we love current events the way Oprah loves Deal or No Deal, I thought I'd give you a quick run down on the recent progress of the candidates.

  • Hillary Clinton recently demonstrated surprising emotion by breaking into tears at a campaign rally in New Hampshire. Later though, the tears were revealed to have been the side-effect of the candidate having grinded her teeth to the nerve endings, after losing to Obama in Iowa.
  • Mike Huckabee has taken a whirlwind tour of South Carolina, where he played the bass guitar, extolled his tax proposals, and ran commercials claiming that Mitt Romney might just be the secret Spawn of Satan. Later, the Huckabee campaign explained that the ads were, "Unfortunate," "Unsolicitied," "Uncalled for," and "Cool!"
  • John Edwards' hair is reported to be considering leaving the campaign, disappointed at Edwards' maladroit campaign strategy and his constant over-application of moisterisers.
  • Rudy Guiliani was reported to have been sighted at a campground in Northern Florida. However, after further investigation it turned out to have merely been Bigfoot.
  • John McCain wrestled three people to the ground, bit the head off a chicken, and physically lifted a VW Bug over his head during a campaign stop in Manchester, New Hampshire. Campaign staffers blame a Geritol overdose.
  • Barack Obama came to South Carolina with an extremely positive campaign message. When pressed for policy details, and other specifics, Obama responded, "Whatever they are, I think we all can feel very, very good about their future."
  • Mitt Romney continued to hammer away at criticisms of his Mormon religious beliefs and the few microscopic imperfections on his rock-like chin. He also promised that as President that he would not be beholden to the Church of Latter-Day Saints, as they would have to extravagantly lobby him like everyone else.
  • Fred Thompson got to South Carolina early to get a head start on campaigning there. After a round of golf, 3 naps, and a massage, the Thompson staff began planning next week's events.
  • Ron Paul supporters were seen harassing an older man, accusing him of hiding the "truth about 9/11" and "secret government intelligence." After 20 minutes, the supporters realised that they were badgering their very own candidate. Paul responded to media questions about the incident by saying, "I get that all the time."
  • Dennis Kucinich was seen over the Columbia, South Carolina aeroport, in a cigar-shaped flying object of undetermined origins. Strangely enough, the object clearly had a bumper-sticker that said "Obama 08."
  • The Libertarian and Socialist candidates for President were seen sweeping up after a very large rally. At least we think it was them. We're not sure.

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