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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to Halo

The newest addiction to worry about? According to the Post and Courier of Charleston, South Carolina, USA: Video games.

This is supposed to be news? I recall being addicted to the blighters when I was a teen, pumping coins into the things like a Las Vegas slot-machine grandmum. My hands would twitch involuntarily if I went for more than 48 hours without some kind of videogame experience. The Atari 2600 was the home console of choice then. I once completed the Atari "Superman" game in 8 seconds. (For those of you who know the game, fan mail can be sent to earlfando@yahoo.com. I've also done the Microsoft Solitare in Windows ME in 93 seconds, for fellow fans of that mindless pursuit.)

However, it's still worth pointing out that this addiction has its dangers. According to the Post and Courier, in 2005 a South Korean man died of heart failure after a 50 hour session of video gaming. Of course, this evidence isn't as compelling as it could be where games are concerned, as many of us would snuff it or face serious health issues after 50 consecutive hours of any activity. For example, if you've slept for 50 hours in a row, that is pretty close to the official definition of a coma.

Nonetheless, as a service to DOUI readers, I thought it might be helpful to present some key signs that you (or your loved ones) might be addicted to video games:

  • Callouses on right thumbs have reverse indentations of letters
  • Gets the shakes if Mario or Sonic adverts appear on telly
  • Has committed armed robbery with the excuse that "Ms. Croft made me do it."
  • Openly plans to find and beat the arrogant guy playing Halo 3 in the Mountain Dew "Game Fuel" adverts
  • Sincerely thinks that playing "Guitar Hero" will eventually attract groupies
  • Thinks that John Madden and Tiger Woods are video game programmers
  • Eyeballs are frequently replaced with "Data Loading" message
  • Whilst driving, they say, "This will be just like Driver 3!" when a police car passes by
  • Severe dry mouth and agitation at the sound of the words "Boss Monster"
  • Doesn't like to talk about their "Call of Duty" experiences because of the terrible things they saw and did "during the war"
  • Honestly believes that gorillas favourite weapons are large metal barrels
  • Believes that Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho actually live in their "Football Manager CD"
  • Named their 3 children "Zelda," "Zelda II," and "Zelda, Twilight Princess"
  • Thinks that the best way of cleaning up the national government is ala "Resident Evil"
  • Gave up coke habit because it was getting in the way of online gaming

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