It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Viva Knievel! No More

Evel Knievel has left the building, literally. The famed American stunt motorbike rider passed away Friday at age 69. Considering how many times Evel crashed jumping buses and fountains, that's about 49 years longer than most people anticipated him surviving. The bloke broke bones in his body that most of us didn't realise we had.

The man was a daredevil in the real sense, in that there were no tricks or fakery to his stunts. When Evel was on the telly, the one clear thought that popped into everyone's minds was, "I might see a man die on telly today." We very nearly did several times.

His sense of grandeur was as large as the stunts he attempted, and occasionally pulled off. The spangled uniform, the wild stories... he even literally "jumped the shark" at one point...several of them as a matter of fact. Even Happy Days' Fonzie only managed one.

Given that Evel lived life large, we at the DOUI feel that his passing should be marked in an equally splendedly outlandish manner. So, here are 10 suggestions for Evel Knievel's funeral and memorials:

  • Attach a rocket to Evel's coffin and launch it over Snake River Canyon. The parachute won't get in the way this time because, quite frankly, we don't need it.
  • Attach Evel's coffin to a motorcycle and jump 12 buses and a tank full of sharks at the same time! Worst case scenario - the sharks are allergic to motor oil and spangles.
  • Cremate Evel and put a little of him in every Evel Knievel action figure. That way, Evel can, in some strange way, re-experience jumps and crashes again and again.
  • Attach Evel's coffin to a giant catapult. Fling it over a casino. Take bets as to how long Knievel can stay in the coffin and which hotel room he lands in.
  • Replay Viva Knievel! on Turner Classic Movies for 48 hours straight. Finish by having Robert Osbourne jump 12 lorries on a moped while Evel's coffin looks on.
  • Have every NFL team wear spangled uniforms, motorcycle helmets, and capes this Sunday.
  • As part of lawsuit settlement - Kanye West jumps Evel Knievel's mausoleum on a motorcycle. The mausoleum is a life-sized replica of the buses Evel jumped in London.
  • Change all Evel Knievel pinball machines so that the ball out area is renamed to "Evel's Final Resting Place."
  • Three words: "Coffin Moon Launch"
  • President Bush declares this week "National Jump Something Crazy on a Motorcycle Week." Several people attempt to jump over Dennis Kucinich.

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