It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Human What?

(Another bit from the upcoming DOUI TV show... just as soon as we can put a pilot script together and find someone lunatic enough at the networks to have a go. With the Writers Strike on, I figure they'll start to get desperate here in a few days. People can only take so many Lost reruns.)

[Scene: An office in New York City. A Man sits at the reception desk. He is on the phone. The alarms are going off.]

Man: Superhereos, Inc? Yes, we seem to have a security problem. The police haven't gotten here yet. You'll send someone right over? Fantastic! [hangs up]

[A man in yellow tights with a black cape enters the room dramatically.]

HF: How can I help you, human?

Man: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you.

HF: [louder] How can I help you, human??

Man: Are you the superhero from the agency??

HF: Yes!!

Man: Wow! How'd you get here so fast? Did you fly?

HF: Taxi.

Man: Ah! What's your name?

HF: What??

Man: Your name!

HF: [Dramatically] I am the Human Fart!

Man: [Cupping his hand to his ear] What?

HF: The Human Fart!!

Man: Ah, OK, I think I got it! Unusual name!

[The alarm suddenly stops. The phone rings.]

Man: Yes? Really? OK, thanks. [to HF] Sorry, false alarm. A panhandler thought one of the security cameras was a Prius windshield and was trying to clean it. It set off the alarm.

HF: Bit disappointing, my human friend. I was hoping for some action.

Man: Yeah, I guess I can see how that would be. Hey, you wouldn't mind demonstrating your powers before you go, would you?

HF: Really? You really want to see them?

Man: Yeah, sure. Sounds like it'd be pretty cool.

HF: Well human, it's just that I never get asked for demonstrations.

Man: Really? That's a shame, a big time hero like you? Well, listen to me talk, like I know anything! What is your specific power, anyway?

HF: [Reluctantly] Well, I sort of...

Man: Don't be embarrassed about it... Go on, toot your own horn! From the sound of the name, I'm sure it's cool.

HF: [Surprised] You really think so?

Man: Sure!

HF: Well... I emit an incapacitating cloud.

Man: Really? Man, I would like to see that in action!

HF: I never would have dreamed that someone would.

Man: I don't see why not. I bet there's all sorts of colours and swirls and stuff.

HF: There can be. It really depends on what I had for lunch that day.

Man: So, what happens when the cloud hits the bad guys?

HF: They usually clutch their throats and fall over straightaways.

Man: Hmmm...Don't they, like see stars or get blinded temporarily?

HF: Well, now that you mentioned it, that has happened at times. One fellow's eyes rolled right up in his head.

Man: I could see that happening with all those freaky designs and stuff.

HF: Designs?

Man: Yeah, you must create a bunch of wild patterns and designs and all sorts of crazy visuals, right?

HF: Well my human friend, perhaps people start to hallucinate a bit in that direction after awhile, but...

Man: With a name like "The Human Art," I can see why.

HF: I beg your pardon, what was that?

Man: I said, that with a name like "The Human Art," I can see why people would hallucinate.

HF: [Relieved - but not in that way] Oh, I see now! You thought I said "Human Art." No, no, my name is "The Human Fart!"

Man: Say what?

HF: [Proudly] The Human Fart!

Man: You're putting me on.

HF: No, no, I assure you that is my name.

Man: Well, I guess with that name, you'd be ASS-uring lots of people, wouldn't you. Good grief, I had no idea that was what you did.

HF: Well human, there seems to be as bit of a muddle.

Man: Yeah, well, I think so!

HF: So, I suppose you don't want to see my powers in action, after all.

Man: [Disgusted] No, not a chance... not from this distance.

HF: Well human, I'll leave you...

Man: Whoa, and waitaminute... what's with all this "human" this and "my human friend" that? You aren't an alien. Your name is "The HUMAN Fart."

HF: Well, I need some kind of a catchphrase or hook, don't I?

Man: What do you mean?

HF: Every hero has to have a schtick... a line that fits their personality and abilites. The Thing already has "It's Clobbering Time!" so I can't use that. What else have I got? "Have a big load of gas?" "Take a huge whiff of this, villian??"

Man: I suppose you have a point, there.

HF: And you try being the butt of all the jokes at the superhero academy.

Man: I bet they make you sit at the "rear" of the super vehicles too.

HF: Watch it smart-ass, or I'll let one.


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