If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Barney - A disclaimer

For all those small children (and also any PBS lawyers) who have accidentally wandered on to this site and wondered what in Big Bird's nest has got into Barney the Dinosaur, let us just say that Barney has what we grown-ups like to call an "evil twin" and you don't have anything to worry about. The Barney the Dinosaur that you know and love isn't planning to hurt Kim Possible, or the Teen Titans, or the Power Rangers, no matter how annoying they are to your parents, their friends, neighbors, grandparents, and all other sentient human life over the age of 14.

Also, "Libido" is a just kind of dog, like a "Libido Retreiver".

Evil Barney Inc. The Theme Song

I love you, I love me
I love profitability
With a great big dividend here from you to me
Soon I'll buy AT&T

I love you, I love me
I'll off all competitors I see
With a great big magnum, possibly uzis
Soon they'll all look like Swiss Cheese.

I love you, I love me
My libido's like John F. Kennedy's
I've got a great big pad, with lots of chicks for me
I hope I don't get VD.

I love you, I love me
I love my big company
Public Television's way too small for me
Soon I'll star on ABC.

I love you, I love me
You may ask what happened to me?
I got a transplanted new personality
Donald Trump lives inside me.

Friday, March 11, 2005

"I Love You, I Love Me"

The scene: A boardroom of a major corporation, somewhere in Texas. The chairs and tables are gilded, and crafted from finest mahogony. Large glass windows line one wall. Several well-dressed executives sit around a table chatting nervously. Suddenly, at the far end of the room, twin doors swing wide open and in struts, half-bouncing, the CEO of this majestic business - Barney the Dinosaur.

He moves to the end of the table, shufflingly his feet and wiggling his arms as he goes, and then sits down.


Barney: OK boys, there's a lot of business on the table today and I don't have much time. I'm taking JLo to the Mavericks game this evening and she doesn't like to be kept waiting. Wilson, give me the report on revenue in a nutshell, and it had better be super-de-duper!

Wilson: Oh Great and Wise Barney, King of all Dinosaurs and Public Television, I'm afraid I must grovelingly report that revenue is down 30% this quarter...

Barney: What!!! 30%!!! How am I supposed to stay cheerful and happy and inspire millions of snot-nosed, damp-drawered little brats if I'm losing my thick yellow toenails on this enterprise?

Smithers: It's competition, oh Magnificent One, Genius and Conqueror of the Romper Room Set! Disney and Cartoon Network are making inroads with the under 5 set!

Barney: Let me guess? Power Rangers? Kim Possible? Teen Titans? Gentlemen, if you are telling me that these teenaged, hormonally-challenged losers are drawing away my pre-school demographic...

Davis: Pardon me, Mr. Barney sir...I am new here, but...

Barney: What's your name, boy?

Davis: Davis, sir...

Barney: That's Oh Royal and Maleficent One to you kid...but go ahead!

Davis: Well, oh...Roy...

Barney: Royal and Maleficent One...spit it out noob!

Davis: Yes, Royal...and Maleficent One...um, isn't this situation just a product of a diversifying market? Can't we just try to maximize profitability in the face of a wider range of competiton?

Barney: Daniels...Where did you go to Business School?

Davis: Ummm, Harvard...oh Royal and Male...

Barney: And I suppose you think that makes you all high and mighty compared to a UTEP grad like me?

Davis: Oh, no sir, I...

Barney: I'm getting mad here!

(All of the executives, except Davis, dive for cover)

Johnson: (from behind a chair) Oh no! Davis, apologize!

Bentley: (from under the table) Don't make him mad, you impetuous, arrogant fool!

Davis: But what did I...? I mean, why should I worry if Barney the loveable dinosaur gets mad?
Barney: (Yelling and standing up) Because when Barney gets mad, Barney eats people!!! That's why! (more calmly) Why do you think we have to change kids out on the show every few years? Those little &%$#@*... I go through them like popcorn.

(The executives return to their seats)

OK, gentlemen...here's what we do. Kim Possible, I want her dead. I want her teen booty mounted on my wall, along with that lame sidekick Ron Pottable's head on a pike in the lobby, next to the rhododendron. I want the skin of that naked mole rat to roll a cigar with. The Teen Titans...wack 'em! Bury the Boy Wonder in the Batcave and put the others in my woodchipper, except for Starfire ...have her sent to the ranch with the usual instructions.

Anderson: What about the PowerRangers, oh Dark and Malicious lord?

Barney: Oh boy, oh boy, I have something special planned for them. I'm going to call in a chip with an old friend of mine who works for Tojo Studios (Cut to a clip of the Power Rangers being stomped on repeatedly by an agitated Godzilla).

Davis: What are you talking about? This is murder!

Barney: It's business, Derwood...just business. Use your imagination you spineless, Ivy-League, pansy!

Davis: This is insane! Next you'll be putting Elmo in a pair of cement shoes!

Barney: Nonsense! Elmo's in my tail pocket. I get 40% of his gross, right off the top!

Davis: How can you do this? This is evil! This isn't what Barney stands for! What about the song? (The rest of the executives start shaking their heads and ducking for cover. Barney, begins to glare at Davis as much as his beady little eyes will allow.) What about I love you, you love me, we're a happy fami...AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Barney eats Davis in a three quick bites.

Barney: Dingle, have someone come in and mop up all this blood. Jeffers, see about rounding up another Ivy League MBA, but one without so much attitude...and who doesn't taste like shoe polish and Brut.

Dingle and Jeffers: Yes, Master!!! Yes, Master!!!

The executives, fawning and scraping, back away from Barney into the shadows. And so our little play ends...

"Martha! Martha! Martha!"

No, this isn't another Martha Stewart related post. I was just wondering what it would have been like if instead of Jan, it had been Cindy Brady upset at being overshadowed by her oldest sister .

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Cell-Block Journals? They're a Good Thing!

Coming to a bookstore near you: Martha's Jailhouse Journals. Some advance excerpts:

Daily Journal: Day 1 -
Well, Prison is even worse than I could have possibly thought. The cell is decorated in an atrocious shade of gray and these horizontal stripes make me look like I've been on a six month diet of pork sausages and custard! The one silver lining is that the guards have been fairly nice, especially [name deleted], but I wonder why she keeps holding out her hand behind her back and saying things like, "Prison is a tough place, Martha, but it doesn't have to be so tough!" and "If there's anything you need Martha, I can grease the wheels." I wonder if she's the concierge here?

Daily Journal: Day 7 -
I hate prison! My cellmate Joliene keeps calling me "babydoll" and leering at me like I were a 2003 Hummer. I thought this was minimum security? She says she's in here for killing her four husbands with a pick axe. Are the feds trying to mess with my mind or is this some kind of wack job furlough program for sociopaths? At least they let me collect dandelion greens during exercise time. Joliene's too busy lifting weights and terrorising the juvey prisoners to pay me much mind then.

Daily Journal: Day 25 -
I wonder if the warden will let me arrange for my own meals? I don't trust the girls in the cafeteria. I know that one ***** Myrtle does NOT wash her hands after going to the restroom, and she always gives me an evil laugh after serving me my mashed potatoes. Dear heavens, I hope that's just extra butter!

Maybe they'll let me pay for some private kitchen staff or have my meals catered? I can find the salad myself...there's a surprisingly high quality mushroom behind the metalshop and the wild leeks are delightfully pungent!

Joliene has taken to sleeping in my bunk beside me. I wonder if they'll add on to my sentence if I strangle her with some torn up bedsheets? Maybe I could tell them we were redecorating and her fung shui got out of control?

Daily Journal: Day 62 -
Yoga class was pleasant today. Little Shirley is certainly limber! I feel strangely close to her and she is a beautiful young woman with a lithe, delicate physique... Whoa, Martha! Slow down babe! Don't get jailhouse crazy! This is nutso talk.

You've got to get to know her a little better first. Maybe a private class after ceramics? Find out what she likes to read and who her favorite guards are. I wonder if FTD does prison deliveries?

I think Joliene suspects something. She's been noticeably bitter. She doesn't even stop to chit chat before beating me in the evenings.

On another note, the warden has been much less resistant to my ideas about incorporating chiffon and silk into the prison decor! Perhaps letting slip that information about a vacancy on my executive staff wasn't such a bad idea after all!

Daily Journal: Day 127 -
Not long to go now! Thank heavens! It's pretty lonely now that Shirl has taken up with Joliene, that ********, *****, ******* cow! If not for my crocheting, I think I'd go nuts, start a riot and have them both killed (laughs).

I wonder if Big Jezebel would break their necks for me if I offered her some wild onion smokes?

At least the food has improved since Myrtle got stuck in the gut with a sharpened spatula last week.

Daily Journal: Day 146 -
Out tomorrow! I'm so looking forward to my own super-king bed and a warm winter risotto! Things are really starting to come together for me. Several of the guards have discussed coming to work for me as a private security force/army! "Martha's Minions!" I love the sound of that!

Shirl was disappointed to hear about Joliene though. I have to admit that it's not often people asphyxiate on dandelion greens in the middle of the night, but like I told the warden...she just loved eating those things so much, it's like she was inhaling them (wink)! I'm sure she had a stash of them under her mattress, right next to her cigarettes and rock cocaine.

Tomorrow the SUV will be at the gate and Cato will be whisking me home! The cell is looking ravishing these days, especially the metal-smithed coasters and the black and white-striped bed-curtain I fashioned out of my first uniform. I'll have to do a special in the magazine on that when I taste free air again.

What can we do about the rising cost of gas? Read on

Although the clamor had died down since the election, Vice President Cheney’s notes concerning his Energy Task Force are still a hot topic in Washington. It came to my attention lately that a certain tall frontiersman and raconteur we know was involved in some of the meetings. Lukas P. Short, representing the Southwest Cattlemen and Gasohol Committee (started during the gas shortage of the 70’s), was on hand to discuss alternative fuels with Mr. Cheney. Lukas recently gave me a copy of VP Cheney’s notes that he had copied while the Vice President was putting a battery in his pacemaker. The notes were handwritten so I will write a verbatim capsule of them.

Notes for Energy Task Force Day 6

Day 6 (cattlemen, alchemists, shaman, Ken Lay, Carrot Top)

Cattlemen are first up this morning, Lukas Short, “Red” Johnson, Jimmy Dean, and Wilford Brimley are presenting ideas on alternative fuels.

(doodle of cow plugged into to electrical outlet)

Lukas says a great big Howdy from all my friends out west. Dean smells of sage. Brimley asked to be excused to “let the heifers out of the barn”, probably too many Grape Nuts or Quaker Oats. (Note to self: cancel continental breakfast for Energy attendees)

Lukas talks about cattle crap and bourbon as an alternative to fossil fuels. Says he has a tractor that runs on the stuff, calls it Grassoline. He says he can run a city the size of Beaumont on a 1000 head of cattle and a truckload of Jim Beam.

(doodle of Sen. Leahy with knife in back)

Brimley returns with toilet paper on his shoe. Dean mentions something about sausage being an especially gassy food. Everyone ignores him. Brimley asks for another bowl of Grape Nuts. I tell him about the toilet paper to throw him off.

Lukas relates a story of a farmer, his daughter, and a traveling salesman. (Note to self: find out what “shore have a purty mouth” means)

(doodle of Leahy as salesman in previous joke, don’t ask me to elaborate)

Lukas mentions pure grain alcohol made of sugar beets, rye grass, and barley. I ask if the resulting mixture can be used to fuel cars or produce cheaper electricity. He says he just wanted a glass, his flask was running a bit low. We order him some from Stetson’s. Brimley mentions his sherry enema habit. (Note to self: do not invite Brimley back …ever)

Lukas wants me to ask Congress for money to develop a Grassoline powered hybrid vehicle by 2008. Says he has a ’71 Chevy he can start on tomorrow. I think he just wants money for whisky. Brimley clears out the room, Lukas comments “If you claim that filly, you might look silly”. I have to remember that one.

Up this afternoon: Lead, the dead, Club-med, and redhead.

I just love it when the wheels of government are turned by a man like Luke. He promised me a conversion kit as soon as he comes up with the right mix of cow-pie and red-eye. I think he’s having a little problem with the exhaust system, or maybe he was talking about Wilford.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Who Said it?

A popular game in some quarters is matching up interesting and outrageous quotes with the people who originated them. See if you can match up the following (reputed*) quotes with the person who (reputedly*) said them. Answers below:

1. "I told that ***** that no one messes with Martha, and if she didn't watch it I would slam her head through the bars of her cell and put a nice doily on her head."

2. "I am a massive fan of Milli Vanilli and always have been."

3. "Nudity is highly overrated."

4. "What you talkin' bout Willis?"

5. "I accept your nomination as President of the United States!"

6. "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!"

7. "If I were a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would I be?"

Answers:

1. Lindsey Lohan's dad, during the two weeks he was mistakenly incarcerated in the women's prison that held Martha Stewart.
2. Pope Pius XIII
3. Madeline Albright upon her first meeting with Kim Il-Sung
4. Genghis Khan during a bar-mitzvah in Hoboken
5. Howard Dean, in a mirror, the night before the Iowa Caucus.
6. Alarmingly enough, Peter Brady.
7. David Dimbleby on BBC Question Time, during a discussion of Scottish Labour laws.

* "Reputed" in this case means "made up".
* "Reputedly" in this case means "don't sue us, it's a joke you humorless gits!"

BBC Debate on China - highlights

David Dimbleby: Hello I'm David Dimbleby and welcome to tonight's BBC debate on China. Here in our BBC 18 Studios in Shanghai, we have with us 3 guest panelists: Mr. ChangWarKong, the owner of the Jade Palace, Shanghai's most well known Szechuhan restaurant.

ChangWarKong: Nihao.

David Dimbleby: Ms. MaoTseKungPao, the head chef at Alfredo's, the leading Hunan restaurant in Bejing.

Mao TseKungPao: Nihao.

David Dimbleby: ...and Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the United Nations.

Kofi Annan: Nihao, whatever that means.

David Dimbleby: I'd just like to open the questions with one for Mr. Chang WarKong. How do you feel about the criticisms levelled at China's application of the "two systems, one China" policy in Hong Kong, and especially in regards to political rights for dissidents?

Chang WarKong: (shrugs shoulders as if he doesn't understand)

David Dimbleby: Secretary Annan, your response?

Kofi Annan: Let me just say that I absolutely love the Mongolian Grill at Mr. WarKong's place. Also, at no time did my son take kickbacks from Mr. WarKong in exchange for a better table and free shrimp toast.

David Dimbleby: (to camera) ...and so on, and so on. (apologies to the Pythons...but this bit was getting long and pointless.)

Was that a pepper costume?

I thought it was a costume of Jay Leno with a horrendous sunburn.

And what on earth is going on with all the caucasian people in African "costumes"? They have an African-American modelling some of the other costumes! Did they think it was "too authentic"?

Is that florid or flouride, I feel like brushing myself.

Earl, while I feel your Martha post was top notch, especially after my gruesome one earlier in the day; it was the Halloween costumes that caught my eye. It is interesting to me how the models show such aplomb and glee in displaying these unattractive costumes. So, with your leave, I present “Repelling Halloween Costumes II”.

Andy Warhol reject.
These guys seem to be enjoying this too much.
That’s actually his real hair.
Some joke about touching buns would be appropriate here.
I call this one “Memories of Bubba”.
“O, what a rogue and peasant pepper am I…”
Now is this a lobster or a crab, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS.
“If I only had a brain”, I know the Lion wanted courage but look at the guy.
Whatever happened to Apartheid, now we know.
Right on brother, somehow this doesn’t have the effect of the 1968 Olympics.
Don’t ask to see this guy’s rocket.
Arabia’s first man on the moon, Muhammad Armstrong.
What are you supposed to be, let me guess, a British rock star. (Where’s he got that tie?)
It was either a mannequin or use this guy.
Eminem's new album "Jack up that Ass...cot".

I invite all readers to visit this site and make your own jokes, it is good for your health. Except when you see this one, it may warp you for life.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Halloween for really desperate people

I believe I have discovered the absolute worse costume shop in the world. Rather than diffuse the shock of these insipid creations with some flourid comic prose, I've decided to let them speak for themselves. Some samples:

The Human Sandwich
Little Miss Corn on the Cob
Ants!
A Slice of Pizza?
I Robot
The Human Tooth
Bride of the Monster (with apologies to Edward D. Wood Jr.)
Hot Dog!

Absolutely revolting stuff that.

Risotto...

...that was Martha Stewart's response to a reporter who asked the Living maven what she was planning for dinner on her first day home from prison.

Left out of the story were some of Martha's other plans now that she's out of the pen:

  • Have "Crips" tattoo removed from left buttock
  • Break up with her "girlfriend" from the joint
  • Shower privately "a lot"
  • Develop a lovely assortment of shivs and files for her new K-Mart Line "Martha's Big House Survival Kit"
  • Switch from free weights to Nautilus
  • Turn down all her jailhouse fan mail marriage proposals
  • Handsomely reward all the guards who "looked out after her ***"
  • Lobby Congress to pass a law mandating a much wider assortment of colors and patterns for penitentiary bedding
  • Beat the living crap out of her lawyer
  • Swim around in a big pile of money every night for the rest of her life and send the pictures to federal prosecutors who sent her up the river

A slooooooowwww week

My goodness it’s a slow week for humor. I just got my latest edition of the L.A. Times and as always turned to the classified section to see if there were any good buys. I was interested to find amongst the trinkets a few interesting things on the auction block. Here are some excerpts:

FOR SALE – Large Ranch in Los Olivos, CA., 2400 acres, beautiful views of Santa Ynez Valley, normal amenities to include zoo with elephants, giraffes, llamas, chimps, and crocodiles, amusement park with Ferris wheel and roller coaster. Will throw in Liz Taylor/Larry Fortinski invitations and Elephant Man’s bones. $4 million upkeep per year. Perfect for a family with forty or fifty kids. Ask for Peter Pan Price: $30,000,000

FOR SALE – Large caliber handgun, must go immediately. Only used once. Grips missing and serial number filed off. Call Baretta Price: $20 OBO

FOR SALE – Cell phone, stupid thing gives out phone numbers to people who aren’t my friends, I never even heard of Stew Miller, videophone cache can be obtained for extra fee. Call Paris…wait I don’t have a phone now…just call Daddy’s people at the Hilton, they can find me. Price $200 ($75,000 for video files)

Remind me to burn my copies of the L.A. Times before reading them from now on.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Yet Another Post on Nudity!!!

Not really...I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. That and the word "nudity" drives the site hits up like you wouldn't believe.

And back to me...

Well, Stew's computer problems continue, Jorge Carlito Viejo has disappeared down a black hole (although I suspect he's wandered off to the Cartegena Film Festival although he may also have sat in on some screenings at the SEMANA INTERNACIONAL DE CINE FANTçSTICO, the globetrotting skivver), Chico y Jose has now declared April to be his target month for "a post", and Zimpter Fiforg has been legally declared "missing, presumed on location".

What a way to run a comedy blog. I shall do my best in their absence to shamelessly grab your attention enough to where you might just want to come back and see what's on tap the next day...that is if the previous day's post on nudity didn't grab the lot of you.

This post has become far too serious, so I will conclude it with a paragraph of gibberish.

Winkle took his nine-iron and bent it into the shape of a unicorn. He was very depressed at the thought of nitroglycerine being in his bloodtream, having said all that he carmina burana-ed his way to the off-licence for a fifth of his favorite Scots beverage only to notice the queen, on her daily Jog and Shag (the name of her favorite pub) with a six-pack of Colt 45. He slowly leapt over the Eiffel Tower in an attempt to make this post more interesting than it started out to be but landed on Camilla Parker-Bowles, which saddened Bonnie Prince Charlie, but delighted the queen so much she bought two rounds for the lot, and drank until she was paralytic, to the consternation of Prince Phillip, who arrived in a submarine with his trusty valet Ringo Starr.

Winkle was arrested for high treason and sent to the block. The unicorn lived happily ever after.

Bolton to be next UN Ambassador? Wanderers?

While I haven't had time to read the actual article, the headline of this AP story promises to set an unusual and slightly disturbing precedent for international politics. Am I to understand that President Bush wishes to appoint the Bolton Wanderers to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations?

Now, Bolton is an English footballing side, and one with no Americans as well. Why not Fulham, who boasts Americans Brian McBride and Carlos Bocanegra in the side? Or, Manchester City, with US National Team Captain Claudio Reyna? Why this blue-collar, albeit recently revived, Premier League side without so much as a Canadian or Mexican on their roster, much less an American?

Well, obviously Bush wants to get tough with the U.N. Bolton are a big, physical side who would just as soon slide-tackle David Beckham's granny as negotiate with the Syrians. They are strong in the air, which is Kofi Annan's weakness, given his gimpy hamstrings. They should keep the UN in their own half for much of the term.

Endurance is a worry though for Bush who has to convince Bolton gaffer Sam Allardyce to bring in some harriers to handle the long runs. Still, with a stingy defence and a couple of opportunistic forwards, Bolton could very well see Annan's side back down to the Nationwide League, leaving the U.S. to battle it out with Arsenal, Man. United, and league leaders Chelsea (expletive deleted) for the Premiership crown and the all important berths to the Champions League.

I predict a shutout for United (States) with goals from El Haji-Diouf, Fernando Hierro, and Condelezza Rice.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Careful with that rod and reel laddie!

Conversations have a strange way of turning to nudity. Seriously, we were at lunch discussing the theater and someone mentioned the notorious all-nude Broadway show Oh, Calcutta (which I am NOT going to link to, so just get over that now...you nasty-minded little sex addicts). Then, someone mentioned that they knew a person that grew up in a nudist colony.

Now, the closest I've ever got to a nudist colony is the scene from the film A Shot in the Dark, where Inspector Clouseau has to visit said colony with only a guitar between him and complete unveilment. Nonetheless, it occurred to me, and several dozen people at the table and the tables next to us who expressed interest in the topic (and at least two Chinese waitresses, who didn't speak English but got the message via some carefully coordinated hand gestures) that there are certain things one should never do, should one be living in such a colony, sans clothing that is.

Here is a short list.

THINGS PEOPLE LIVING IN A NUDIST COLONY SHOULD NEVER DO

1. Fly Fishing
2. Pole Vaulting
3. Any activity that involves bending over beyond a 30% angle
4. Ironing (I mean, what's the point?)
5. Cooking with a Fry Daddy
6. Any work involving a chainsaw
7. Gymnastics (I mean, good heavens, who wants to see that!)
8. Bean Eating Contests
9. Motor Sports, particularly Motocross
10. Carpentry
11. Pogo Sticks
12. Yoga (See Gymnastics)
13. Equestrian Events (Too "Equis")
14. Bungee Jumping
15. Darts, Lawn Darts, Knife Throwing, Javelin, you get the picture...
16. Rugby (Could you imagine the scrum...no, I said scrum!)
17. Quidditch (Harry Potter fans only, ™ J. K. Rowling)
18. Barbecue
19. Tightrope Walking
20. Political Debates