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Sunday, March 06, 2005

Careful with that rod and reel laddie!

Conversations have a strange way of turning to nudity. Seriously, we were at lunch discussing the theater and someone mentioned the notorious all-nude Broadway show Oh, Calcutta (which I am NOT going to link to, so just get over that now...you nasty-minded little sex addicts). Then, someone mentioned that they knew a person that grew up in a nudist colony.

Now, the closest I've ever got to a nudist colony is the scene from the film A Shot in the Dark, where Inspector Clouseau has to visit said colony with only a guitar between him and complete unveilment. Nonetheless, it occurred to me, and several dozen people at the table and the tables next to us who expressed interest in the topic (and at least two Chinese waitresses, who didn't speak English but got the message via some carefully coordinated hand gestures) that there are certain things one should never do, should one be living in such a colony, sans clothing that is.

Here is a short list.

THINGS PEOPLE LIVING IN A NUDIST COLONY SHOULD NEVER DO

1. Fly Fishing
2. Pole Vaulting
3. Any activity that involves bending over beyond a 30% angle
4. Ironing (I mean, what's the point?)
5. Cooking with a Fry Daddy
6. Any work involving a chainsaw
7. Gymnastics (I mean, good heavens, who wants to see that!)
8. Bean Eating Contests
9. Motor Sports, particularly Motocross
10. Carpentry
11. Pogo Sticks
12. Yoga (See Gymnastics)
13. Equestrian Events (Too "Equis")
14. Bungee Jumping
15. Darts, Lawn Darts, Knife Throwing, Javelin, you get the picture...
16. Rugby (Could you imagine the scrum...no, I said scrum!)
17. Quidditch (Harry Potter fans only, ™ J. K. Rowling)
18. Barbecue
19. Tightrope Walking
20. Political Debates

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