Well, I've had a good weekend of getting together with the family, slicing up turkeys, opening up can after can, devouring everything in sight, and then going back for the scraps of leftovers ...and that was just Black Friday shopping! (rim-shot)
Seriously, ...no scratch that, we're not serious about much here. What's a better phrase? Alternately? Consequentially? Antidisestablishmentarianismly? Actually? Ok, we'll have to settle for actually, because "consequentially" makes no sense at all on this blog.
Actually, I am a bit disappointed to have missed writing a Thanksgiving post. For one thing, there are still around 450 Pilgrim jokes that I haven't lifted from Milton Berle's Joke Book, yet. (How many Pilgrims does it take to break a wishbone? It's a trick question. They can't do it because by the time they've eaten that much turkey they're all tired out from loosening those giant belt buckles.) For another thing, there are far too many wishbone euphemisms that still haven't appeared on this blog.
However (or "actually" - take your pick), I am feeling a little sentimental about the holiday. It's probably just an overdose of tryptophan, or possibly the gas from the extra helpings of green bean casserole with Durkee's fried onions, but I'm reminded that the holiday means something. We're all thankful for someone or something. Donald Trump is thankful that there are still hairstylists who will do anything for money. Lindsay Lohan is thankful there are television producers young enough to mention her and Elizabeth Taylor in the same sentence without laughing ironically. Nick Nolte is thankful Wild Duck comes by the case. the cast of Jersey Shore is thankful that "appalling" is some people's idea of good television, and President Obama is thankful that Mitt Romney's Get Out the Vote team couldn't find their derrieres with both hands, a mirror, and an iPhone "Butt Detector" app.
I'm thankful too. I'm thankful for a lot of things. For example, I'm thankful for lists, because I'm about to write one.
Things for Which I'm Thankful
by Earl Fando
- ...for turkey, because it would be a real shame if the really fast, difficult to catch birds tasted better.
- ...for Turducken - It's delicious, despite the fact that the name starts with the word "turd."*
- ...that the Pilgrims had belt buckles on their hats as well as their belts, because how easy a joke is that?
- ...for family gatherings that don't involve the words "conjugal visitation."
- ...the friendly guys at RiffTrax haven't blocked me on Twitter, for my constant replies to their tweets. (No restraining order, either. They're good people.)
- ...for the crisp, colorful leaves of fall, and the migrant workers we hire to rake and bag them.**
- ...for football, even though my favorite pro and college teams are sucking worse than a Dyson vacuum possessed by Skynet.
- ...no one has called me "Shortlegs" since elementary school. (It still stings!)
- ...for salsa hot and spicy enough to burn a hole in your tongue ...and in your heart!
- ...for the fact that Dancing with the Stars is almost over. Seriously, if I have to watch another guy rip his shirt off in the middle of a tango, I'm going to puke.
- ...for Powerball. You really can't lose. If you win the money, you're rich. If you lose, you get to happily avoid all those people who would never call you unless you were rich.
- ...for the Arsenal! Especially the bazooka. I love to say the word bazooka.***
- ...that I have access to music that consists of more than a back-beat, and a really arrogant, over-dressed front man.
- ...for shoes you can drink out of in an emergency.
- ...the new James Bond movie wasn't edited with a blender.
- ...I am not yet so infirm I cannot play soccer or golf, even if that is not immediately apparent to bystanders.
- ...most celebrities have a sense of humor and the ones who don't aren't surfing the Internet enough to find this blog.
- ...for lists! Did I mention lists?
- ...for bacon, like I have to explain why to you.
And I'm thankful for those of you who take the time to occasionally read this blog. You're appreciated more than you know. Happy late Thanksgiving!
*My annual Thanksgiving joke, everybody!!!
**Sorry, that was from Bill and Melinda Gates's thank you list.
***I'm thankful for The Arsenal, too, of course.