You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

An Olympian Gesture

The International Olympic Committee (also known as the International Obtuse Crapweasels) has declared that certain gestures of protest in support of a free Tibet at the Bejing Games will be considered off-limts for athletes.

The Chinese government stated that they were happy the IOC made this rule and in exchange promised not to torture or shoot them at any time during the Games.

Also, articles of clothing that represent support for Tibet will also be considered off-limits. One wonders exactly what would happen should a swimmer turn up in a suit that said "Free Tibet." I suppose they'd cover the thing, but you know how these totalitarians are. It could turn into a Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake moment just like that. Good thing Sumo's not an Olympic sport.

In an effort to be helpful, we at The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas would like to recommend some ways to get around these draconian, anti-liberty, pissant restrictions:

1. After shouting "Tibet" loudly, claim that you were simply setting up a gambling wager. "No, no, you've got it all wrong. I was shouting 'The bet!' The Dalai Lama and I have a wager on the rhythmic gymnastics event. That's why he got so excited." Carry a ledger or perhaps poker chips to complete the illusion.

2. Disguise your message in tie-dye or paisley. Leave a smidgen of doubt so that the Chinese government and IOC have to consider whether the possibility that banning your kaledoscopic garment is worth an international incident. If you pretend you're stoned, it will make it an even harder call.

3. Put all pro-Tibet slogans in a voice bubble coming out of Mao's mouth. They still fear the cagey little bastard, even though he's been dead for ages. If you can't get ahold of a Mao t-shirt, use a "Che" one, those bloody things are at kiosks everywhere.

4. Instead of holding up a fist in support of Tibet, just direct the appropriate finger* at the Chinese government box. When they protest, explain that you were just proclaiming that you are "Number one.**" Yes, it's an old joke, but "any port in a storm," you know.

5. Flatulence, carefully and silently delivered, is an extraordinarily efficient form of protest. This is especially good if you're in a room with the IOC or Chinese officials. It's not so good if you're lighting the big torch.

6. Whilst we do not recommend public nudity, as the kids may be watching***, off-camera this is your call. Mooning is one effective option. Please do not combine this with number 5 though. Everyone should have limits.

7. Tell everyone you thought that the Dalai Lama emblazoned on your article of clothing was a World of Warcraft character.

8. Wear one of those Tibetan robes and tell everyone that they are your "jammies."

9. Spit a lot whilst conducting interviews with official Chinese state press and IOC officials.

10. When greeting Communist party officials, repeatedly say "Yo Momma!" at a high rate of speed ("Yomomma, yomomma, yomomma...") Explain that you thought that was Mandarin for "Nice day, isn't it?"

11. Skip the Opening Ceremonies for some hometown Kung Pao. What, the IOC is going to make you go?

*If you're a member of the British delegation, "two fingers."
** Members of the British delegation should opt for the "peace sign" excuse.
***Hell, we're watching.
PS - We're praying for the victims of the China earthquake (and the Burma cyclone). Ruddy awful things to happen, no matter how bad the governments are.

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