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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A brand new Vista to stumble through.

Microsoft has just released it's new Windows Vista operating system. Why "Vista?" Because "Windows Crapulence" just doesn't have the same kind of buzz.

Yes, I've heard that Vista will be chock-full of new features and great graphics, but that only means that the 18 month old PC on my desk at home will be obsolete that much sooner, as the 1 GB RAM on it is just barely enough to run the new OS. Lovely old business computing, isn't it?

Quite frankly, I see Vista as the same as Internet Explorer 7: A brand new bloated piece of software that changes a lot of things unecessarily - like the interface and certain commands, while doing nothing new of any importance. Still there'll no doubt be loads of bells and whistles that will make computer geeks salivate like hounds in a baconatorium. What are some of these? I'm glad you asked.

New Features of Microsoft Windows Vista


  • Elevator music especially composed by Bill Gates to while away the hours waiting for your programs to load
  • New surround sound drivers create the authentic feel of listening to broken headphones
  • Automatically seeks out and destroys any IPods in the users home
  • Special windows events sound templates include "Bill's flatulence," "The silent blue screen of death," "Bill and Melinda's private noises" and "Michael Bolton unplugged."
  • New sounds synthesized from the actual desperate cries of Microsoft employees under the lash

Video and Graphics

  • Graphics are now available in three versions: 2-D, 3-D, and working
  • Video guaranteed to run at full-motion speeds during Windows advertisements
  • New "transparent windows" allow you to make certain windows completely invisible and impossible to find again
  • New video accelerator makes sports and pornography seem almost real, if you've had a few drinks and are into that sort of thing

System Features

  • New security features allow Bill Gates to see into your home at night, especially in bathrooms
  • Rebooting is twice as fast as Windows XP and works almost every other time
  • New Windows Firewall automatically allows spyware to work on Netscape and Firefox as well as Internet Explorer
  • Interface buttons have been completely redesigned and jumbled around to give users the wonderful old feeling of learning it all over again
  • System backup guaranteed to restore most files, excluding ones containing the letters W, E, S, U, C, and K in the filenames
  • Operating system conveniently charges users for upgrades whether they work or not
  • Mouse locking is accompanied by soothing music and pictures of Hawaii to help lower blood pressure and death threats to Bill
  • Web filter guaranteed to block out pornography, adult language, and anything developed by Steve Jobs

Other Features

  • Comes with a variety of multimedia sample files, including "The Best of Public Domain Polkas" and "Spinsters Go Wild - The Music Video"
  • Includes Microsoft Word 2007 - Incomprehensible Version
  • Comes with an assortment of new games designed to show of the Vista OS's features - Includes: "System Crash," "Windows Error 501," and "Frogger"
  • Special "Non-refundable" feature available for all users


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