The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas: We were NOT amused!!!!!!!

I'm sorry for the title but it was simply a gratuitous use of that royal phrase. The real thrust of my post concerns Oscar season, when we bestow golden statues and fawning accolades on drunken (or soon to be drunken) folks for the work they've done that year. On a side note I find a surprising lack of golden statues and fawning anything in my field of endeavors. Maybe it's the lack of the drunkenness, I'll have to remember that. The Academy Award nominations were made this week and I'd like to take a few moments to familiarize you with some of the nominees in various categories. Tonight we'll begin with the awards for Best Actress.

Best Actress is usually reserved for women with Dame in front of their names, the notable exception being Dame Edna. I still can't see how she didn't get the nod for her scene stealing performance in François Truffaut's Day for Night but we're not here to argue that. Before 1955 the award was presented to the actress who sold the most subscriptions to Grit and made the best apple crumble. The sexist connotations of Grit subscription selling soon ended this practice and it was decided to give it to the actress that slept with the most producers. Just kidding, they actually decided to flip a coin and the winner would be determined by absolute chance. However, by 1961 it was determined that the award should be presented to the best actress in a motion picture from the preceding year. This was the turning point.

The award has been associated with many eventful incidents throughout the years. In 1968 it was decided that the Academy would cast a seperate Oscar for the award. The new statue had tiny breasts and was known as the Ophelia but was done away with in 1976 when Jack Nicholson couldn't keep his hands off of it. The strangest event in the awards history was the time in 1978 when Jane Fonda won it.

Now that we've given you a little of the flavor and history of the award let me present a short synopsis of the nominees for this years award:

Kate Winslet - Best known for her stirring turn in the buff as Rose in Titanic, this year Kate starred again in the buff in Little Children. Don't get me wrong, personally I think she can act just as well with her clothes on but she seems to be losing them at an alarming rate. Maybe her next role should be in a movie called Kate Winslet Keeps her Clothes On, then she might have a chance of winning the bleeding thing. Sorry, I got a little carried away there. I'm afraid Kate won't win again this year but at least she'll probably show up at the awards wearing something.

Dame Helen Mirren - Dame Helen (already a good sign) is going to be hard to beat this year in my opinion. Her performance in The, Queen was absolutely spot on and indeed gave me chills at times. For those not familiar with the movie it is a biopic of the famous English rock band Queen in which Dame Helen portrays drummer Roger Taylor. She must have worked with the real Roger on her drum solos because she was wicked hot on the sticks. Her work on Bohemian Rhapsody alone will probably be enough to get her the award this year.

Meryl Streep - This year Meryl, the woman with the most Academy award nominations for Best Actress, stars in The Devil Wears Prada as the ice cold Miranda Priestly. Sadly, her performance is just a rip-off of Glenn Close as Cruella De Vil in the live action version of 101 Dalmations. She's able to hide it pretty well until near the end when she remarks to a cowering Anne Hathaway, "Don't give me those puppy... dog eyes" a clear rip off of the Cruella line "Give me those puppies." This is no Sophie's Choice. It isn't even a She-Devil for that matter.

Penelope Cruz - Penelope stars in the Pedro Almadovar film Volver. Not having seen the film I will have to take from the title that it involves someone returning gifts after Christmas enduring the long lines at Wal-mart. Regardless the point is that Penelope is one hot babe and you always have to have at least one hot babe in the running for the award. That way as we're panning through the audience showing the nominees we'll at least know who doesn't have a chance because we all know hot babes only win Best Supporting Actress unless they portray transgendered men, serial killers, or June Carter Cash. Since Penelope portrays none of the above in Volver we must assume she will lose, but look great doing it.

Dame Judi Dench - Once again we have to give Dame Judi a leg up on the competion due to her title and the fact that...hey, everybody loves Dame Judi. How else could one explain the fact that she won Best Supporting Actress for a movie that she appeared in for no more than eight minutes. Not that she wasn't very royal and all but come on... EIGHT MINUTES. I would have to put my money on Dame Judi or Dame Helen this year because once again, dames always have a better chance in this category. Is that a pun? It must be something like it. Anyway, best of luck to Dame Judi.

Cate Blanchett - Not nominated, you'll find her under Best Supporting Actress. But remember, everyone loves Dame Judi. Call us back when you're name is Dame Cate.

So there you are, the nominees for Best Actress in a Motion Picture for 2007. I will leave you with a little scorecard so that you can make up your mind who will win.

Kate Winslet