Golden Global Warming

Several people have written in to ask why we haven't covered the Golden Globes.

All right, no one has actually written in to ask why we haven't covered the Golden Globes, and that is the reason why we didn't live blog or for that matter write much at all about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's annual attempt to convince celebrity actors and actresses that non-English speaking entertainment reporters are very sexy enough to get drunk and have a one night stand with.

Why even Lindsey Lohan was seen departing with a small, semi-muscular reporter from Belorussia.

Erm... sorry, I mistranslated the Belorussian report. It actually says she's going into rehab. At least she's got the sense to do so. When will someone do the interventions for Paris and Britney?

No, the Golden Globes just aren't that sexy or appealing or entertaining most years. So this year, they apparently (I didn't actually watch the awards...I had a book to read that night) decided to go for shock (WARNING: a fair amount of graphic descriptions included), which culminated in a very raunchy description by Sacha Baron Cohen of how his co-star's flatulence kept him alive during the "wrestling" scene in Borat.

Even Tom Hanks made a passing reference to Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement winner Warren Beatty's testicles, erm..."artistic vision." Hanks quote (from the MSNBC article) was "What balls this man has... and by ‘balls,’ I mean artistic vision.”

Cohen was probably thinking, "Sure, you're impressed Tom, but you didn't have to suck down a few breaths of his wind while admiring them, mate."

A programme called Ugly Betty won an award, proving that the Golden Globes people are still united with the proletariat, despite schmoozing with the celebrities that play them.

There was one thing about the article and the awards that troubled me. When referring to shots of the "stars," the names Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Kyra Sedgewick, Ben Stiller, Renee Zellweger, and Donald Trump were mentioned in the same paragraph. Stiller?!?

I jest, of course. I'm really referring to Trump, who sticks out like a sore cowlick in this crowd. That this tempestuous billionaire bedlamite should get camera face time at an entertainment show is another sign the folks at the GG's are getting a bit desperate. (Yes, I know he was in the programme The Apprentice...what's your point?)

What's next, Howard Stern as the host and the addition of a porn category? Somewhere, a reedy reporter with a Belgian accent is probably calling HBO about transferring the rights to them.