It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Beckhampalooza!

Or Beckham madness, I'd say. When I saw the number of US dollars MLS are paying Becks for playing out his career in L.A., I thought for a moment the US economy had gone belly up and inflation run wild. With all due respect to Beckham, who is a fine player a bit past his prime, though still capable of killing off a team with his free kicks, he's getting paid for his celebrity and not his football.

The money itself, all $250,000,000 of it, is apparently tied up in a "complex series of incentives." Hmmm... whatever could those be?

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David Beckham MLS Contract - Section XII - Incentive Bonuses (page 47)

  • David Beckham (party of the first part, hereafter referred to as "DB") shall receive a bonus of $250,000 every time he radically changes his hairstyle.
  • DB shall receive a bonus of $300,000 for every photo of Posh Beckham (hereafter referred to as "Posh") appears in a tabloid with a critical part of her bosom "accidentally" exposed. However, DB will be liable to the amount of $25,000 to the club for every public apperance Posh makes sans-knickers, as MLS is a PG-13 organization.
  • If DB's good friend Tom Cruise purchases an MLS franchise deal, DB will receive a $1,000,000 bonus. This bonus shall be null and void if Mr. Cruise names the team any of the following: TomKats, LRons, Hubbards, Scientologists, Threstrals, Placentas, or Couches. If Mr. Cruise names the team the Oprahs, the bonus paid shall only be $500,000.
  • For every goal DB scores in MLS, DB shall be awarded a Hummer in the color of his choice and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
  • DB shall receive $100,000 in appearance money for every match he shows up for, whether his team is playing or not.
  • Every time DB utters the phrase "MLS Rocks!" in front of a camera or a crowd of no less than 50 people, he shall receive $10,000.
  • DB shall receive $800,000 for every appearance at a major entertainment awards show (excluding the Espys, which is only worth $25,000). This amount shall double if DB wins an award at the show, triple if it is an Academy Award.
  • DB shall receive $100 every time he exhales in the United States of America.
  • DB shall receive $2,000,000 for each appearance on the following television programs: The View, Regis and Kelly, Oprah, NBC Sunday Night Football, any NASCAR race, Survivor (guest only), American Idol (panelist), Jeopardy, Saturday Night Live (if it every gets really good again), Dancing with the Stars, and The Simpsons.
  • DB's contract shall be null and void if he appears on any of the following television programs: 60 Minutes, Jerry Springer, Desperate Housewives (because Posh will kill him), and Family Guy.

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