It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Bigfoot on Vacation


ABC News reported back in January about a very strange photo NASA took on Mars. At first glance, the photo appears to be of a figure on the Martian landscape that looks suspiciously like Sasquatch, or as he's known to the hoi palloi*, Bigfoot.

It seems strange to imagine Bigfoot traipsing about on the surface of the Red Planet, without luggage or passport or, for that matter, breathing apparatus. Still, I suppose that if you are the Western Hemisphere's most notorious lost anthropoid you can't just catch a Jet Blue flight to Miami and hit the beaches.**

However, NASA doesn't expect to land a man on Mars for at least another couple of decades. Virgin Atlantic doesn't even fly there, for goodness' sake. So, how did he get up there. Does Bigfoot know certain extraterrestials? Does the U.S. Military have a secret Martian excursion and took Bigfoot along in case there was any trouble?

I decided to give Bigfoot a call and find out.

Earl: Sasquatch, it's very good of you to chat with me.

Sasquatch: Call me Bigfoot. Everyone else does.

Earl: Can I call you "Big" for short?

Sasquatch: I don't think so.

Earl: Splendid. Now, what's all this about you having visited Mars?

Sasquatch: Man, Earl, you get right to the point. Aren't you going to build up to it by asking about my Jack's Links commercials?

Earl: I've never seen them.

Sasquatch: Liar. You're just trying to save blog space.

Earl: All right, they're wonderfully comedic. Did you really have a leak on those blokes in the Internet-only one?

Sasquatch: It was special effects. They used a fire hose and Orange Gatorade. My bladder's pretty small, actually.

Earl: I'm sorry I asked. Anyway, they show you can really have a laugh at yourself.

Sasquatch: And I kick tail like Chuck Norris.

Earl: Agreed. Now, about that Mars visit...

Sasquatch: It wasn't me.

Earl: It looked like you.

Sasquatch: It was a trick of the light. The Martian landscape can be really disorienting at that time of day.

Earl: What do you mean by "that time of day?"

Sasquatch: Umm... I read that somewhere.

Earl: In your mission manual, perhaps?

Sasquatch: No! That's not what I said at all. Listen, you don't want me to pull you through a window like that one guy in the jerky commercial, do you?

Earl: This is a phone call, remember?

Sasquatch: Umm... Technology confuse Sasquatch.

Earl: Don't give me that nonsense. I happen to know you have a B.A. in Comparative Literature from Stanford via correspondence.

Sasquatch: Damn that Freedom of Information Act!

Earl: So, let's have no more of this "Me confused by many-button phone" routine, when you've just flown to Mars and back.

Sasquatch: Quit saying that! I can't talk about it, OK? They know where I live! Do you want the guys in black helicopters to show up here again?

Earl: Again?

Sasquatch: No, that's not what I meant! They don't actually exist! I... I gotta go! I hear the kettle boiling! (hangs up)

With that our conversation ended. I had to admit, knowing how Sasquatch loves his tea, that whole "kettle boiling" line rang true. Still, the next time I look into the sky, I'll always wonder if my furry friend isn't visiting the angry red planet, whichever one of those sparkly little lights it is.

**********
*Greek for "people who can't pronounce "Sasquatch," despite the fact that the last part of the word rhymes with the word "crotch." I'm just noticing, that's all.
** Of course, that would be Bigfoot's last vacation destination. The humidity would play havoc with his fur.

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