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Friday, February 15, 2008

Oh, What You've Missed because of The Strike!

The Writers Strike has just come to a close for all practiable purposes. We haven't really commented on it up until now. It's not because we're standing toe to toe or anything like that. We just didn't want to piss off the rank and file and ruin any future chances of membership.

One of the most tangible results of the strike was the sudden truncation of a number of popular American television series. Yahoo! TV has an article on this very thing. The programmes have had to completely change their directions due to the strike. That means that many fascinating storylines have gone to waste as Hollywood will opt, as they almost always do, for dramatic expediency and sex.

Fortunately, I have made use of my many Hollywood contacts and their regular access to studio wastebins and dumpsters, to get the lowdown on what viewers missed due to the strike. Since, I'm not a member of the Writers' Guild, I share this with you without guilt.* Although I'm not a regular follower of these programmes (except for Chuck), I must admit that the writers had some absolutely riveting stuff planned.


House - M.D. House was to have been revealed to secretly be an exiled British comedic actor. He would have spent the remainder of the season disrupting vital surgeries with his rambunctiously comic routines. The hospital was to have controversially changed their motto from "Primum non nocere" (First do no harm) to "Vos mos intereo rideo risi risum" (You will die laughing).

Grey's Anatomy - As it would have turned out, Meredith's warming to sis Lexie was only cover for a plot to have her run over by a monster truck ("Sasquatch") and buried under the dream house Derek planned to build for her. Rose would have put a full stop to this scheme though, by playing videotape of her kiss with Derek, only superimposing MSNBC personality Keith Olbermann and a large tongue over her face. Derek would have then committed suicide by monster truck and Olbermann would have responded by naming the Grey's Anatomy writing staff the "World's Worst People" for that week.

30 Rock - The show was to have taken a surrealistic bent, with episodes being constantly interrupted by people filming American Express adverts. Special appearance by the Geico gecko.
Chuck - Chuck was to have discovered that he was in reality a secret agent, who was brainwashed by the computer images inside his mind to think he was a simple, domestically employed computer geek. Upon this realization, he decided to travel to Mars to kill Ronny
Cox, Michael Ironside, and Sharon Stone. Unfortunately, Sarah pointed out to him that this is the 21st Century and NASA doesn't have plans to go to Mars until 2037, when Chuck will be 55. Chuck instead opted to pummel Casey and Morgan with his newfound martial arts prowess and his handy official CIA beating stick.

My Name Is Earl - Earl was to have decided to give up his quest to atone for his misdeeds one by one and instead pay for them all at once, by serving out a lonely and torturous existence as editor and contributor for a small comedy blog. Also, the new theme song was to be "Killing Me Softly with His Song."

Desperate Housewives - The Housewives would have been shocked to find out that they had been relocated from Wisteria Lane, Fairview to Wisteria Lane, Panama City Beach, Florida. The shock of moving from a decadent upper-middle-class existence to a decadent beach bum existence would have rapidly dissipated though when the wives realised the change meant that they could wear bikinis seven days a week from March to November. Much sangria would have been consumed to the sounds of Cole Porter and Jon Butterworth Lifelover.

Heroes - The Heroes were to have saved the world from the big virus only to be accused of secretly injecting themselves with Human Growth Hormone (HGH). The remainder of the series was to have depicted the Congressional investigation, including cocktails and lap dances.

CSI Miami (New York, etc., etc. ) - Someboady was supposed to kill someone else in an incredibly complex plot that would baffle the cast until the very final bit of the episode, where they dramatically put together the diverse details of the plot and captured the criminal. Whew! Who says there's no originality in television anymore?

The Office - Michael Scott (Steve Carell) would have been mysteriously replaced by David Brent (Ricky Gervais), who would have then been mysteriously replaced by Gilles Triquet (François Berléand), who would have been mysteriously replaced by Bernd Stromberg(Christoph Maria Herbst), who would have been mysteriously replaced by Ross Perot (Jeff Goldblum) and his clever catchphrase "What the hell am I doin' here?"

Bionic Woman - Jaime would have become involved in a creepy relationship with Lee Majors, who would continually offer to exchange "limbs, batteries, and bodily fluids."

* Or responsibility for accuracy

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