News from the GRAFTAs!

Well, last night was a spectacular combination of American popular music's grandest excess, and British cinemas' finest pomp and circumstance. I was so excited about both that I fell asleep and saw neither.

Perhaps, it would save time if they just combined the two into one massive programme. I had a dream about the whole thing as I napped...

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Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, live from Covent Garden in London and via satellite, The Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, it's the GRAFTAs! And now, here are your hosts: Jonathan Ross and Snoop Doggy Dogg!

(Applause)

Jonathan Ross: Well, I'm awfuweey glad to be hearw this evwening as we cewebrate the finest in Bwitish fiwm and Amewican mwsic. Snoop, how are fwings in L.A.?

Snoop Dogg: (Off camera) What the hell did he say to me? Oh! (to camera) Right man, things are groovy here in L.A., except that everyone is %$#&*! asleep, because it's 8 a.m. here and %$&*!# people in the music industry never wake up before noon! Hell, I'm not putting up with this $%!#! Somebody got a couple o' blunts I can toke and some %$#&%-es I can party wi...

(Satellite feed from L.A. goes dead and is replaced by large 60's-era CBS "eye" logo.)

(Massive applause)

Jonathan Ross: We seem to have wost Snoop Dogg. Oh well, on wif the pwogwamme. Herwe to pwesent the fiwst award for Best Adaptwed Scweenpway are Keiwa Knightwey, Scarwet Wohansswon, and Juwie Chwistie!

(Gigantic Wembley-sized applause. The three actresses enter, all wearing frocks made of some sort of sellotape.)

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I woke up just after that and everything was all over. Herbie Hancock was doing one-armed push-ups on CBS and Daniel-Day Lewis and Marion Cotillard were dancing the tango on BBC America. I've no idea who actually won anything.