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Saturday, February 09, 2008
Earl Fando is a nice man. I'll say that up front. He dresses smartly in pressed pants, sports coats, bolo ties and fedora hats every single day (except for Sunday when he attends Mass in an ankle length velvet robe and fez). He's the kind of guy you wouldn't mind buying paint from on a Tuesday afternoon.
But occasionally, he is also a doggone liar. To wit, he claims there are big changes coming to the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. There are not. Since the time of our forefathers, all things continue as they have. The Dictionary is not going to change. How can it change? It hasn't even caught up with me yet! I started out Five Times Better than a normal human being, and although the blog has frantically worked to improve itself, it is, at best, three point two times better than a normal human blog.
It's like global warming. Everyone says the planet is getting warmer and the polar bears are melting. Well, let me settle that one for you. Polar bears CAN'T melt, so global warming, therefore, must be a lie. Follow the logic trail, people, and these kinds of claims will come crumbling earthward like a pile of Chick-O-Sticks. In fact, the earth is not getting warmer but smellier. Yes, the odors of the earth are intensifying, and if we don't act fast, we will be the stinkiest orb in all the universe. So it's global stench we have to worry about, not global warming, but you wouldn't know this if you listened to all the friendly liars and watched their slide shows.
Earl Fando means well. He's the kind of gent who would spoon feed your sick grandmother her pudding on a cold Saturday morning. He's the sort of chap who would wade across a swollen creek to save a calf from eating poisoned hay on a balmy Wednesday evening. But he's also making stuff up every single minute of the day. Big changes are not coming to the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. At least, I don't choose to think so.
If it does happen, it won't mean Earl was right. It will just mean that what was going to be the truth became not the truth and something else which was not the truth became the truth, but that doesn't mean Earl was telling the truth.
It's time to take a stand.
Nuffy Sarge Noe, esq.