Oh, What You've Missed because of The Strike!

The Writers Strike has just come to a close for all practiable purposes. We haven't really commented on it up until now. It's not because we're standing toe to toe or anything like that. We just didn't want to piss off the rank and file and ruin any future chances of membership.

One of the most tangible results of the strike was the sudden truncation of a number of popular American television series. Yahoo! TV has an article on this very thing. The programmes have had to completely change their directions due to the strike. That means that many fascinating storylines have gone to waste as Hollywood will opt, as they almost always do, for dramatic expediency and sex.

Fortunately, I have made use of my many Hollywood contacts and their regular access to studio wastebins and dumpsters, to get the lowdown on what viewers missed due to the strike. Since, I'm not a member of the Writers' Guild, I share this with you without guilt.* Although I'm not a regular follower of these programmes (except for Chuck), I must admit that the writers had some absolutely riveting stuff planned.

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House - M.D. House was to have been revealed to secretly be an exiled British comedic actor. He would have spent the remainder of the season disrupting vital surgeries with his rambunctiously comic routines. The hospital was to have controversially changed their motto from "Primum non nocere" (First do no harm) to "Vos mos intereo rideo risi risum" (You will die laughing).

Grey's Anatomy - As it would have turned out, Meredith's warming to sis Lexie was only cover for a plot to have her run over by a monster truck ("Sasquatch") and buried under the dream house Derek planned to build for her. Rose would have put a full stop to this scheme though, by playing videotape of her kiss with Derek, only superimposing MSNBC personality Keith Olbermann and a large tongue over her face. Derek would have then committed suicide by monster truck and Olbermann would have responded by naming the Grey's Anatomy writing staff the "World's Worst People" for that week.

30 Rock - The show was to have taken a surrealistic bent, with episodes being constantly interrupted by people filming American Express adverts. Special appearance by the Geico gecko.
Chuck - Chuck was to have discovered that he was in reality a secret agent, who was brainwashed by the computer images inside his mind to think he was a simple, domestically employed computer geek. Upon this realization, he decided to travel to Mars to kill Ronny
Cox, Michael Ironside, and Sharon Stone. Unfortunately, Sarah pointed out to him that this is the 21st Century and NASA doesn't have plans to go to Mars until 2037, when Chuck will be 55. Chuck instead opted to pummel Casey and Morgan with his newfound martial arts prowess and his handy official CIA beating stick.

My Name Is Earl - Earl was to have decided to give up his quest to atone for his misdeeds one by one and instead pay for them all at once, by serving out a lonely and torturous existence as editor and contributor for a small comedy blog. Also, the new theme song was to be "Killing Me Softly with His Song."

Desperate Housewives - The Housewives would have been shocked to find out that they had been relocated from Wisteria Lane, Fairview to Wisteria Lane, Panama City Beach, Florida. The shock of moving from a decadent upper-middle-class existence to a decadent beach bum existence would have rapidly dissipated though when the wives realised the change meant that they could wear bikinis seven days a week from March to November. Much sangria would have been consumed to the sounds of Cole Porter and Jon Butterworth Lifelover.

Heroes - The Heroes were to have saved the world from the big virus only to be accused of secretly injecting themselves with Human Growth Hormone (HGH). The remainder of the series was to have depicted the Congressional investigation, including cocktails and lap dances.

CSI Miami (New York, etc., etc. ) - Someboady was supposed to kill someone else in an incredibly complex plot that would baffle the cast until the very final bit of the episode, where they dramatically put together the diverse details of the plot and captured the criminal. Whew! Who says there's no originality in television anymore?

The Office - Michael Scott (Steve Carell) would have been mysteriously replaced by David Brent (Ricky Gervais), who would have then been mysteriously replaced by Gilles Triquet (François Berléand), who would have been mysteriously replaced by Bernd Stromberg(Christoph Maria Herbst), who would have been mysteriously replaced by Ross Perot (Jeff Goldblum) and his clever catchphrase "What the hell am I doin' here?"

Bionic Woman - Jaime would have become involved in a creepy relationship with Lee Majors, who would continually offer to exchange "limbs, batteries, and bodily fluids."

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* Or responsibility for accuracy

I'm Thankful

Here in the States it's time for another Thanksgiving, that holiday where Pilgrim sat down with Native American for a fine feast of wild game, maize, crusty bread, and (knowing the Pilgrims) a nice porter or four. This fine brotherly feast laid the careful groundwork for nearly 300 years of bloodshed (I blame the after meal football match - all that quibbling about the rules.) However, these days people have "chilled way out," as Pocahontas might have said, were she raised in Berkeley and stoned out of her mind.

Still, a fine holiday like this, with mounds of food and massive, all-day parades of high-school marching bands and leggy Rockettes through New York City, cannot help one but be reminded of the many blessings one has... namely, to not live in New York City this time of year.

So, in keeping with tradition, allow me to tell you some things, I, Earl Fando, am thankful for.

I'm Thankful For... (2007 version)
by Earl Fando

• ...God's grace, Mrs. Fando, the Littlest Fando, family, friends, a decent job and the lot. This is a comedy blog, so let's just take it as given that I'm thankful for all sorts of normal stuff and be getting on with things.


• ...Not participating in National Novel Writing Month - Last year was fun, except that it almost killed me stone dead from exhaustion. I could start now and catch up, but I'd have to write about 6,500 words a day, and that's about as likely as catching Ted Kennedy French-kissing Phillis Schafly at Hugo Chavez's swank Caracas villa. Haven't you been paying attention to things around here?


• ...Blog colleagues whose selfless dedication to regular posting demonstrates their lasting committment to fine comedy for the masses. Oops, sorry! I was reserving this line for National Sarcasm Day. I am thankful for them though. Lots of material there.
  
• ...My relatives haven't yet succumbed to the turducken craze.
  
• ...Multiple coverage of the parades. If not for this, many people would have left their homes and flown to New York to strangle some self-indulgent celebrity presenter, plugging their new TV movie or album of Christmas standards whilst the local high-school band was in the background playing their little hearts out. Change the channel, find the parade coverage where the celebrity presenters are too busy retouching their makeup to get in the way for a few moments. That's America.
  
• ...that Cameron Diaz hasn't filed a restraining order after so many cheap mentions on the blog to get extra hits. Let's face it though, would you rather we name drop Paris Hilton or Britney Spears? Like you, we'd like to get through Thanksgiving dinner without getting sick all over the computer monitor.


• ...Arsenal are top of the table in the Premiership and undefeated in the Champions League. That calls for bangers and a prawn sandwich alongside the turkey. Of course, Arsene's probably eating salad and baked chicken tomorrow, just like every other day.


• ...I haven't been pecked to death by birds, yet. Well, it's not like they haven't tried.


• ...Pub onions. Admit it, they're delicious. I just wish I could get them around here without mail order. Dipping spring onions in malt vinegar's just not the same.


• ...Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have done jail time. This isn't cheap name dropping. This is social commentary, mates. I hope to see more of this in the future. A good prison movie is a possible side-effect, but only if someone else plays Britney and Paris. (Paging Ms. Diaz!)


• ...The Writers' Strike. We're not in the union, so we get to continue to churn out this rubbish on a daily basis, and maybe someone desperate for entertainment will take notice and give us a salary, as we don't bloody get paid for this either (beyond about a dollar per year of ad revenue from Google Ad Sense). No, I'm not bitter at all. It's just my funny way of laughing!
  
• ...Bacon Salt! The perfect seasoning. I can't wait to try some on bacon.
  
• ...The U.S. Presidential Campaign. Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, John Edwards, John McCain, etc. We're in the humour business, so this is a bit like a Christmas present. I reckon there's enough ego, straight-talk, cross-dressing, and hair to go around for months. Plus, Bill C. will get involved and that adds the comic nostalgia factor. Also, hasn't anyone noticed that Obama rhymes with Osama? Lots of jokes there, I'm sure! Add Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich and I'm not missing Lyndon LaRouche as much these days (the nutter).
  
• ...Skipping the usual lame attempts to gain some notice from the blog awards. They don't give a cricketer's tea cup about the struggling quality blogs, working at all sorts of long and odd hours, delicately pouring over lines and lines of text in a tireless effort to strain out quality prose for their loyal few readers. If they don't respect them, then why would they waste a second on crap like this blog?
  
• ...You, our loyal readers. Oh, all right, "reader"... the one in California, or was it Virginia or Kent? Whoever you are, you have our deepest gratitute. Tell some friends will you?

Oh, and a Happy Thanksgiving to all!

God Bless,

Earl