I'm Thankful

Here in the States it's time for another Thanksgiving, that holiday where Pilgrim sat down with Native American for a fine feast of wild game, maize, crusty bread, and (knowing the Pilgrims) a nice porter or four. This fine brotherly feast laid the careful groundwork for nearly 300 years of bloodshed (I blame the after meal football match - all that quibbling about the rules.) However, these days people have "chilled way out," as Pocahontas might have said, were she raised in Berkeley and stoned out of her mind.

Still, a fine holiday like this, with mounds of food and massive, all-day parades of high-school marching bands and leggy Rockettes through New York City, cannot help one but be reminded of the many blessings one has... namely, to not live in New York City this time of year.

So, in keeping with tradition, allow me to tell you some things, I, Earl Fando, am thankful for.

I'm Thankful For... (2007 version)
by Earl Fando

• ...God's grace, Mrs. Fando, the Littlest Fando, family, friends, a decent job and the lot. This is a comedy blog, so let's just take it as given that I'm thankful for all sorts of normal stuff and be getting on with things.


• ...Not participating in National Novel Writing Month - Last year was fun, except that it almost killed me stone dead from exhaustion. I could start now and catch up, but I'd have to write about 6,500 words a day, and that's about as likely as catching Ted Kennedy French-kissing Phillis Schafly at Hugo Chavez's swank Caracas villa. Haven't you been paying attention to things around here?


• ...Blog colleagues whose selfless dedication to regular posting demonstrates their lasting committment to fine comedy for the masses. Oops, sorry! I was reserving this line for National Sarcasm Day. I am thankful for them though. Lots of material there.
  
• ...My relatives haven't yet succumbed to the turducken craze.
  
• ...Multiple coverage of the parades. If not for this, many people would have left their homes and flown to New York to strangle some self-indulgent celebrity presenter, plugging their new TV movie or album of Christmas standards whilst the local high-school band was in the background playing their little hearts out. Change the channel, find the parade coverage where the celebrity presenters are too busy retouching their makeup to get in the way for a few moments. That's America.
  
• ...that Cameron Diaz hasn't filed a restraining order after so many cheap mentions on the blog to get extra hits. Let's face it though, would you rather we name drop Paris Hilton or Britney Spears? Like you, we'd like to get through Thanksgiving dinner without getting sick all over the computer monitor.


• ...Arsenal are top of the table in the Premiership and undefeated in the Champions League. That calls for bangers and a prawn sandwich alongside the turkey. Of course, Arsene's probably eating salad and baked chicken tomorrow, just like every other day.


• ...I haven't been pecked to death by birds, yet. Well, it's not like they haven't tried.


• ...Pub onions. Admit it, they're delicious. I just wish I could get them around here without mail order. Dipping spring onions in malt vinegar's just not the same.


• ...Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have done jail time. This isn't cheap name dropping. This is social commentary, mates. I hope to see more of this in the future. A good prison movie is a possible side-effect, but only if someone else plays Britney and Paris. (Paging Ms. Diaz!)


• ...The Writers' Strike. We're not in the union, so we get to continue to churn out this rubbish on a daily basis, and maybe someone desperate for entertainment will take notice and give us a salary, as we don't bloody get paid for this either (beyond about a dollar per year of ad revenue from Google Ad Sense). No, I'm not bitter at all. It's just my funny way of laughing!
  
• ...Bacon Salt! The perfect seasoning. I can't wait to try some on bacon.
  
• ...The U.S. Presidential Campaign. Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, John Edwards, John McCain, etc. We're in the humour business, so this is a bit like a Christmas present. I reckon there's enough ego, straight-talk, cross-dressing, and hair to go around for months. Plus, Bill C. will get involved and that adds the comic nostalgia factor. Also, hasn't anyone noticed that Obama rhymes with Osama? Lots of jokes there, I'm sure! Add Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich and I'm not missing Lyndon LaRouche as much these days (the nutter).
  
• ...Skipping the usual lame attempts to gain some notice from the blog awards. They don't give a cricketer's tea cup about the struggling quality blogs, working at all sorts of long and odd hours, delicately pouring over lines and lines of text in a tireless effort to strain out quality prose for their loyal few readers. If they don't respect them, then why would they waste a second on crap like this blog?
  
• ...You, our loyal readers. Oh, all right, "reader"... the one in California, or was it Virginia or Kent? Whoever you are, you have our deepest gratitute. Tell some friends will you?

Oh, and a Happy Thanksgiving to all!

God Bless,

Earl

Trigger-Happy Pooches

A report from Yahoo! indicates that a pack of Iowa hunting dogs opened fire on their master (or as PETA would call him, their domineering enslaver). No word yet on whether the dogs were Dick Cheney's.

Now, the real problem with this whole scenario is the word "dogs." The article states that the "dogs" stepped on the gun, causing it to fire. Unless these dogs have extremely tiny feet, we are really referring to one dog, no doubt a radical troublemaker.

I suppose it is possible that the other dogs may have quickly gathered around the gun to protect the guilty party, or that all the dogs wanted a shot at this poor bloke and only one was "lucky" enough to get his paw on the trigger. However, I can't see this being a "Murder on the Orient Express" sort of denouement, given the relative inability of dogs to get together on so much as a plan for nicking a bone¹.

So, how to find the single, guilty dog? First off, look for the one named "Lucky."

No "Lucky?" Then we need to rule out any kind of radical sympathies. Were any of the dogs named "Adolf," "Osama," "Che," "Josef," or "Donny²?" Did they have swastika tattoos or wear burkas with bomb belts? Probably not, as any tattoos would have been the owner's choice and if you've got a bomb belt underneath a burka, you're probably not keen on mucking about with a large, unwieldy shotgun, especially given the lack of opposable thumbs.

You may argue that dogs are simply not malicious enough to fire a gun at a human. You probably believe all that claptrap about man's best friend and dogs loving people more than themselves, despite the poop. Remind yourself of that the next time you're eyeball to eyeball with a snarling Doberman, if it's not already munching your eyeball.

I suspect our own dog would shoot me in a second, given the chance and the brains. Fortunately for me, she currently and irrationally fears me so much that she would have to shoot me from an adjacent room with the doors closed, which would give me a fighting chance.

As for the Yahoo! story, in the end, it may simply have been a case of dog stupidity. Let's face it, the dog(s) hit the hunter in the leg. Their eyesight is so poor, even a scope wouldn't have helped, and their idea of good aim it to stand perfectly still and point to gamefowl with their noses. If the idea was just to wing him, then what next? Hostage demands? Waterboarding? A quick round of poker?

Indeed, the most likely "accidental" possibility is that the dogs mistook the gun for a large chew toy.

There is one other possibility. The hunter was going to pick up a downed pheasant when he was shot. It could be that an enraged bird quickly landed, set off the gun, and they dashed away to leave the befuddled hounds to take the fall.

Now this is a theory I can buy into. After all, they are out to get us, and they know we have the advantage.

**********
1. See numerous Warner Brothers and MGM cartoons for evidence of this evolutionarily dim trait.

2. You'd be surprised.