Holiday Recovery

If you've just spent the weekend doing both Thanksgiving dinner and Black Friday shopping, you're probably on life support right about now, reading this in-between feedings of non-turkey based saline solution and ice baths to numb the blisters you received bumping into angry mobs of people who didn't get one of the twelve 42" plasma HDTVs for $49.99 that your local electronics store put on display in a giant pit designed to funnel humans toward the center, the way an ant lion traps ants.

I'd feel sorry for you, but I slept until 10:00 a.m. on Friday, after having a splendid Thanksgiving meal at a relative's home the day before. We did take over some Mac 'n' cheese, and a simple Italian salad, so it wasn't all rest and relaxation, but it was mostly rest. In fact, I was so rested, I ran five miles before making the salad dressing, just to warm up for pouring the olive oil. The roads were remarkably empty.

I've never quite worked out what it is that drives people to fill their precious holiday hours by preparing a meal that "Dinner Impossible" chef Robert Irvine would declare beyond the bounds of normal Einsteinian space and time, followed by a midnight to seven AM mosh pit with hordes of people in a mood only slightly less congenial than the orcs in The Lord of the Rings, and only because they're afraid store security will take away the $29.99 XBox they managed to pry out of the hands of some blind nun on crutches.

It's commercialism run amok of course, and in poor economic times such as these, the specials and deals being offered by the nation's retailing giants are more tempting than usual. Normally, people would shove you over and stomp on your face to get past you to the Blu-ray shelves. This year, however, they're all wearing cleats and spiked heels, and that was just buying food the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Friday, people came out in battle armor that would make Maximus from Gladiator soil his toga.

So, with a busy work week ahead, just how does one recover from a long weekend of commercialized madness?

1. Accept the leftovers. They're there. They need to be eaten. Most importantly of all, they're already cooked. Make sandwiches. Dump turkey meat into your chicken soup for a little turducken flavor, minus the duck. Savor the unique flavor of cold mashed potatoes with a nice beverage. Use disposable forks and paper plates. Live the aftermath.

2. Skip Cyber Monday. No, I'm not just saying that so I'll get a bunch of good deals. I always buy my technology during the summer months, when tech people are offering all sorts of great deals to entice college students to blow up their credit cards like the villain at the end of a Japanese super hero TV show. No, the point is that you need rest and relaxation, and the enemy of those two goals is sitting in front of your PC, swearing like a cast member in a David Mamet play because your bank keeps blocking your debit card charges, all because you went just a little bonkers a few days ago. Plus, under those conditions, you are highly likely to break your PC, and then you'd have to buy a new one. A vicious cycle.

3. Watch a lot of sports. Sports are another holiday tradition, and over the next few days, there's Monday Night Football, college basketball, soccer, hockey, and loads of ESPN announcers drooling over the eventual return of the NBA (rumors are that ESPN may create a whole new network to broadcast coverage of the training camps and the after negotiation cigars and champagne). It's a good way to release pent up energy, because you won't be the one getting stomped on. Also, all the food commercials are for either restaurants, beer, or snack foods. No temptations to cook, with the exception of the occasional BBQ in a beer commercial.

4. Work hard. You'll need to, if you want to pay off everything you bought Friday. Seriously, did you need four dozen USB drives, just because they were $5 apiece? No. No, you did not.

Christmas is coming. You need to rest up, if only to mentally prepare yourself for all the crazies out there who haven't yet shopped enough.
 

And yet no farther than a won-ton's bird*

The winter wind was angrily gusting outside. Inside though, a fire was glowing in the fireplace and the family was gathered around the dinner table, awaiting a warm and comforting meal. The mother glided in to the dining room from the kitchen, confident in her culinary abilities, beaming with love for her family. The father sat at the head of the table, a smile of pride on his face. The adolescent son and little daughter leaned forward in their seats, hungry anticipation on their innocent faces.

The mother set the platter down on the neatly set table and carefully lifted the cover off.

The father nervously turned his eyes away. The children sank back in their chairs, faces suddenly exhausted.

Photo: TheKohser

The little girl turned to her mother and with exasperation exclaimed, "You're giving us the bird again!"

**********
Yes, Thanksgiving week has come and gone and you've still got enough turkey in your fridge to feed the Kardashian family. It never fails. No matter how carefully you plan, no matter how much everyone enjoys that beautiful roast (smoked, or deep-fried) bird, when all is said and done and the relatives and other assorted guests have said their farewells, that enormous bird is still sitting there on the table, covered in meat.

What to do, what to do?

We'll that's why they pay us the big bucks, or will, when some of of sensitive intelligence, good humor, and massive financial resources** discovers this blog. The easiest way to get rid of that unwanted extra turkey is to use a little thing called imagination. However, if you're like us and haven't got much of that, as is our custom here, we have some other ideas:

• Turkey Skin Soup. Use every part of your turkey! Added bonus: When this soup develops a skin, it's real cooked skin!
• Dog treats for very undiscriminating dogs (this covers 99% of the species)
• Pop a slice in the toaster! What kid doesn't love "Turkey Pop Tarts?" (wink, wink)
• Inexpensive coasters
• Treats for Santa. He'll eat anything! Break out those Christmas cookie cutters and fool the big guy!
• Fake mustache Use the stringier parts of the turkey for this one, folks.
• Secret hiding place for valuables. The last place any burgular will look is up your turkey.
• Creative paint brushes
• New breakfast cereal: "Frosted Sugar Coated Turkey Flakes! Your kids will gobble them up!"
• Turkey grease Slip-n-Slide for indoor winter fun
• Props for an upcoming episode of Bones. In addition to Fox television producers, this can also apply to next year's Halloween costumes, for those of you with kids!
• Novelty Prince Charles ears
• Projectiles for defense against the robots, when they come for your old people on Cyber Monday.***
• Stuffing for some other kind of meat. "Wow, this pork chop is chock-full of roast turkey!"
• Umami potpourri

* Romeo And Juliet Act 2, scene 2. Seriously.
** Bet you thought we were talking about you until that last one, didn't you?
*** That's what Cyber Monday refers to, right? Fortunately, our family has Old Glory Insurance!

Thanksgiving Faux Pas

The big Thanksgiving holiday is coming up here in the States. Many of us will be preparing big meals, family gatherings and other events. Here's some advice to help those of us prone to screwing things up. Avoid the following like carrot stuffing.*

• When printing a menu, avoid abbreviating Turducken.


• The Pilgrims were the English immigrants who befriended Native Americans at Thanksgiving. They were not just John Wayne's pals.


• When slicing turkey, use a knife designed for simple meatcutting. A machete is overkill.


• Serving ham at Thanksgiving is unusual. Serving ham sandwiches is just lazy.


• Catfood is not an acceptable stuffing for turkey.


• Grace for the meal should never be preceded or followed by slapfights.


• When seating guests, never seat #BillCorbettDoppelgangers ahead of the real one. (It's a Twitter in-joke. Just avoid doing this. Especially if you're @Virginia Corbett.)


• Traffic cones are inappropriate substitutes for cornucopia decorations.


• When removing leftovers, never feed dogs carrots. Dogs are voracious omnivores, but they won't eat just any old crap.


• Regardless of what Paula Deen says, there is a limit to how much butter one can use in meals. Let cardiac arrests at the table be your guide.


• Gravy should never be eaten with the fingers. In an emergency though, one may sip directly from the bowl.


• Use your finest china for Thanksgiving dinner. Paper plates are considered poor form. Flinging food and shouting "catch" should be reserved for leftovers.


• After Thanksgiving meal - Burp: acceptable. Fart: not. Loudly announcing "I gotta take a dump": severely frowned upon.


• Under no circumstances should anyone be allowed to wear the turkey.


• The giblet gravy bowl should never be referred to as a barf bag, no matter how pink the gravy is.


• Where helpings are concerned, seconds are recommended. Twelths are considered slightly excessive.


• Electric carving knives are for turkeys, not for shaving toenails at the table.
  
• Anyone making a turkey breast joke may be beaten about the head with the gravy ladel.


• Real drinks should be offered as beverages, rather than just offering that there is "significant water on the moon."
  
• While turkey does contain tryptophan and this can cause mild sleepiness, dozing in the mashed potatoes is frowned upon.


• Although they are sometimes called drumsticks, turkey legs should never be used with actual drums.
  
• Green beans should never be worn in the nostrils.


• Never mix sweet potatoes and regular potatoes in one bowl. This could collapse the space-time continuum.
  
• When helping oneself to a dish, always be sure to avoid knocking down elderly guests who may be between you and the food.


• Whatever variation of succatash you serve, never, ever include bananas.
  
• Avoid excessive chatter at the table about how big the Macy's Day parade balloons were, as this is boring nonsense.


• Alcoholic beverages should never be served before the Thanksgiving meal, unless it truly sucks.
  
• The "eating corn on the cob as though you were a typewriter" gag is at least 40 years out of date. Making the little bell sound at the end of each row of corn will only mark you as a social outcast.


• All Pilgrim outfits must include pants.
  
• Christmas decorations do not have to be put up right after the meal, no matter what your grandmother says.


• Everything does not automatically go better with gravy at Thanksgiving. Iced tea, for example.
  
• Watching the football games after a Thanksgiving meal is a time-honored tradition. Tackling grandmother and spiking her crocheting bag is not.


• During Thanksgiving the terms "sweet potato" "wishbone" and "corn on the cob" are not to be used as euphemisms.
  
• Do not slurp cranberry sauce from the plate. Only jello may be consumed in this way at the table.


• In disfunctional family fights, avoid stabbing relatives with the same knife used to carve the turkey.
  

* Some of these originally appeared on Earl's Twitter account. (Some may yet appear there, depending on how lazy Earl is.) Follow him @earlfando! Follow Stew @stewmiller42! (Yes, Stew's still alive.) Follow Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown @cakeyclown!

I'm Thankful

Here in the States it's time for another Thanksgiving, that holiday where Pilgrim sat down with Native American for a fine feast of wild game, maize, crusty bread, and (knowing the Pilgrims) a nice porter or four. This fine brotherly feast laid the careful groundwork for nearly 300 years of bloodshed (I blame the after meal football match - all that quibbling about the rules.) However, these days people have "chilled way out," as Pocahontas might have said, were she raised in Berkeley and stoned out of her mind.

Still, a fine holiday like this, with mounds of food and massive, all-day parades of high-school marching bands and leggy Rockettes through New York City, cannot help one but be reminded of the many blessings one has... namely, to not live in New York City this time of year.

So, in keeping with tradition, allow me to tell you some things, I, Earl Fando, am thankful for.

I'm Thankful For... (2007 version)
by Earl Fando

• ...God's grace, Mrs. Fando, the Littlest Fando, family, friends, a decent job and the lot. This is a comedy blog, so let's just take it as given that I'm thankful for all sorts of normal stuff and be getting on with things.


• ...Not participating in National Novel Writing Month - Last year was fun, except that it almost killed me stone dead from exhaustion. I could start now and catch up, but I'd have to write about 6,500 words a day, and that's about as likely as catching Ted Kennedy French-kissing Phillis Schafly at Hugo Chavez's swank Caracas villa. Haven't you been paying attention to things around here?


• ...Blog colleagues whose selfless dedication to regular posting demonstrates their lasting committment to fine comedy for the masses. Oops, sorry! I was reserving this line for National Sarcasm Day. I am thankful for them though. Lots of material there.
  
• ...My relatives haven't yet succumbed to the turducken craze.
  
• ...Multiple coverage of the parades. If not for this, many people would have left their homes and flown to New York to strangle some self-indulgent celebrity presenter, plugging their new TV movie or album of Christmas standards whilst the local high-school band was in the background playing their little hearts out. Change the channel, find the parade coverage where the celebrity presenters are too busy retouching their makeup to get in the way for a few moments. That's America.
  
• ...that Cameron Diaz hasn't filed a restraining order after so many cheap mentions on the blog to get extra hits. Let's face it though, would you rather we name drop Paris Hilton or Britney Spears? Like you, we'd like to get through Thanksgiving dinner without getting sick all over the computer monitor.


• ...Arsenal are top of the table in the Premiership and undefeated in the Champions League. That calls for bangers and a prawn sandwich alongside the turkey. Of course, Arsene's probably eating salad and baked chicken tomorrow, just like every other day.


• ...I haven't been pecked to death by birds, yet. Well, it's not like they haven't tried.


• ...Pub onions. Admit it, they're delicious. I just wish I could get them around here without mail order. Dipping spring onions in malt vinegar's just not the same.


• ...Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have done jail time. This isn't cheap name dropping. This is social commentary, mates. I hope to see more of this in the future. A good prison movie is a possible side-effect, but only if someone else plays Britney and Paris. (Paging Ms. Diaz!)


• ...The Writers' Strike. We're not in the union, so we get to continue to churn out this rubbish on a daily basis, and maybe someone desperate for entertainment will take notice and give us a salary, as we don't bloody get paid for this either (beyond about a dollar per year of ad revenue from Google Ad Sense). No, I'm not bitter at all. It's just my funny way of laughing!
  
• ...Bacon Salt! The perfect seasoning. I can't wait to try some on bacon.
  
• ...The U.S. Presidential Campaign. Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, John Edwards, John McCain, etc. We're in the humour business, so this is a bit like a Christmas present. I reckon there's enough ego, straight-talk, cross-dressing, and hair to go around for months. Plus, Bill C. will get involved and that adds the comic nostalgia factor. Also, hasn't anyone noticed that Obama rhymes with Osama? Lots of jokes there, I'm sure! Add Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich and I'm not missing Lyndon LaRouche as much these days (the nutter).
  
• ...Skipping the usual lame attempts to gain some notice from the blog awards. They don't give a cricketer's tea cup about the struggling quality blogs, working at all sorts of long and odd hours, delicately pouring over lines and lines of text in a tireless effort to strain out quality prose for their loyal few readers. If they don't respect them, then why would they waste a second on crap like this blog?
  
• ...You, our loyal readers. Oh, all right, "reader"... the one in California, or was it Virginia or Kent? Whoever you are, you have our deepest gratitute. Tell some friends will you?

Oh, and a Happy Thanksgiving to all!

God Bless,

Earl