And yet no farther than a won-ton's bird*

The winter wind was angrily gusting outside. Inside though, a fire was glowing in the fireplace and the family was gathered around the dinner table, awaiting a warm and comforting meal. The mother glided in to the dining room from the kitchen, confident in her culinary abilities, beaming with love for her family. The father sat at the head of the table, a smile of pride on his face. The adolescent son and little daughter leaned forward in their seats, hungry anticipation on their innocent faces.

The mother set the platter down on the neatly set table and carefully lifted the cover off.

The father nervously turned his eyes away. The children sank back in their chairs, faces suddenly exhausted.

Photo: TheKohser

The little girl turned to her mother and with exasperation exclaimed, "You're giving us the bird again!"

**********
Yes, Thanksgiving week has come and gone and you've still got enough turkey in your fridge to feed the Kardashian family. It never fails. No matter how carefully you plan, no matter how much everyone enjoys that beautiful roast (smoked, or deep-fried) bird, when all is said and done and the relatives and other assorted guests have said their farewells, that enormous bird is still sitting there on the table, covered in meat.

What to do, what to do?

We'll that's why they pay us the big bucks, or will, when some of of sensitive intelligence, good humor, and massive financial resources** discovers this blog. The easiest way to get rid of that unwanted extra turkey is to use a little thing called imagination. However, if you're like us and haven't got much of that, as is our custom here, we have some other ideas:

• Turkey Skin Soup. Use every part of your turkey! Added bonus: When this soup develops a skin, it's real cooked skin!
• Dog treats for very undiscriminating dogs (this covers 99% of the species)
• Pop a slice in the toaster! What kid doesn't love "Turkey Pop Tarts?" (wink, wink)
• Inexpensive coasters
• Treats for Santa. He'll eat anything! Break out those Christmas cookie cutters and fool the big guy!
• Fake mustache Use the stringier parts of the turkey for this one, folks.
• Secret hiding place for valuables. The last place any burgular will look is up your turkey.
• Creative paint brushes
• New breakfast cereal: "Frosted Sugar Coated Turkey Flakes! Your kids will gobble them up!"
• Turkey grease Slip-n-Slide for indoor winter fun
• Props for an upcoming episode of Bones. In addition to Fox television producers, this can also apply to next year's Halloween costumes, for those of you with kids!
• Novelty Prince Charles ears
• Projectiles for defense against the robots, when they come for your old people on Cyber Monday.***
• Stuffing for some other kind of meat. "Wow, this pork chop is chock-full of roast turkey!"
• Umami potpourri

* Romeo And Juliet Act 2, scene 2. Seriously.
** Bet you thought we were talking about you until that last one, didn't you?
*** That's what Cyber Monday refers to, right? Fortunately, our family has Old Glory Insurance!

Dangerous Turkey Day Recipes

A day late but in case you're celebrating Thanksgiving late, here are a few recipes you might want to avoid:

• Flamethrower Turkey - Take one large thawed turkey and a large flamethrower. Fire up the bird for about 2-3 hours. Great crispy skin on this one, and all dark meat.
• Acid Turkey - Take one large thawed turkey and dip into a large vat of hydrochloric acid. Then, go out to eat at whatever fast food joint is open on the holiday, and be glad you're not the turkey.
• Turkey Acidophilus - Bake one large turkey normally. Slice 1 lb. turkey meat. Blend with yogurt into a smooth puree. Serve in soda glass with straw and cranberry garnish.
• Turkey Knievel - Deep fry a large turkey. Strap it to the back of a motorcycle. Jump 12 buses. Pick turkey bits off the ground and clean. Mind the broken bones, including the turkey's. Enjoy with a nice IV.
• Turkey Sushi - Let loose turkey in house with crazed sushi chef. Keep first aid kit handy.
• Turkey Detroit - Roast one turkey normally. Serve with bitter dregs of another football season gone wrong. Then, run over turkey remains with a Ford. Have Ford repaired for damage done to it by turkey.
• Turkey Surprise - Serve steak instead.