Christmas Faux Pas

As is not uncommon this past month or so, my frequent tweets are the inspriation (and partial source) of today's post. We all want to have a great Christmas, so here are some things to avoid so that yours is blessed and free from shameful, ostracising embarassment.

• When opening Christmas Day presents, a chain saw is surplus to requirements.
• Santa's elves are not the ones who make Keebler cookies. C'mon! Where would Santa live in that little tree?
• When topping a Christmas tree, appropriate items include angels and stars. Inappropriate: empty beer cans.
• The Magi's gifts were "gold, frankensence, and myrrh," NOT "gold, frankenstein, and myrrh."
• Reported sightings of Santa on radar should NOT be chalked up to disinformation from the USAF and the Men in Black.
• Santa's bag of toys is by definition "duty-free," no matter what the chaps at the customs office say.
• Christmas celebrates the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ and not the day Mr. Macy beat Mr. Gimble in a death match.
• Christmas nativity scenes should never have Mary dressed in a bikini, not even in Benetton ads.
• "Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo" are Marx Brothers, not names of Santa's reindeer.
• When running over competing shoppers in stores, never forget to wish them a "Merry Christmas!"
• Just because Santa dresses in all red doesn't make him a commie.
• Santa is not Tim Allen or Mickey Rooney in disguise. However, there is an outside chance he may be Burl Ives or Sebastian Cabot.
• Christmas crackers should never be rigged to actually explode.
• Parents should never explain to children that Rudolph's nose is red because he "dipped into Santa's scotch cabinet."
• When evaluating Santa's outfit, it is considered impolite to refer to it as anything other than dead butch. Seriously.
• When regifting, it's not acceptable to scratch out the names on the original gift tags and write in new ones.
• The Madonna who married Guy Ritchie is not the Madonna in all the paintings. Not by a long shot.
• Presents should be placed under Christmas trees to be opened on Christmas Day, not as kindling for a "big'ol Christmas tree bonfire."
• Taunt Santa's reindeer at your own risk.
• A proper Christmas gift should be given in love, generousity, and always cost more than its gift wrap.
• Santa's pipe does not contain hash or other hallucenogenics. Furthermore, Santa is not a "hippy," despite the beard, hat, and tattoos.
• A roaring fire on Christmas Eve should never be excused to kids by telling them, "You're on the naughty list anyway!"
• One should practice moderation on Christmas. New Year Eve is the proper holiday in which to get inebriated stupid.
• Christmas pudding should not contain any form of reindeer in it, unless your goal is to get on the naughty list.
• When Santa shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!" this is never in reference to Mrs. Claus.
• Playing "Blue Christmas" repeatedly is excessive. "Christmas with The Chipmunks" more than twice in a row is a death wish.
• Appropriate ways in which to address Santa include: "Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Sinterklass, Père Noël, and Babbo Natale." Inappropriate ways to address Santa: "The Great Reindeer and Elf Exploiter," "Father Capitalism," and "Hey, Fatso!"*
• The star the wise men followed to locate the Christ child was NOT the International Space Station.

Happy Christmas!

* "Lardbutt" and other variations are right out.

Thanksgiving Faux Pas

The big Thanksgiving holiday is coming up here in the States. Many of us will be preparing big meals, family gatherings and other events. Here's some advice to help those of us prone to screwing things up. Avoid the following like carrot stuffing.*

• When printing a menu, avoid abbreviating Turducken.


• The Pilgrims were the English immigrants who befriended Native Americans at Thanksgiving. They were not just John Wayne's pals.


• When slicing turkey, use a knife designed for simple meatcutting. A machete is overkill.


• Serving ham at Thanksgiving is unusual. Serving ham sandwiches is just lazy.


• Catfood is not an acceptable stuffing for turkey.


• Grace for the meal should never be preceded or followed by slapfights.


• When seating guests, never seat #BillCorbettDoppelgangers ahead of the real one. (It's a Twitter in-joke. Just avoid doing this. Especially if you're @Virginia Corbett.)


• Traffic cones are inappropriate substitutes for cornucopia decorations.


• When removing leftovers, never feed dogs carrots. Dogs are voracious omnivores, but they won't eat just any old crap.


• Regardless of what Paula Deen says, there is a limit to how much butter one can use in meals. Let cardiac arrests at the table be your guide.


• Gravy should never be eaten with the fingers. In an emergency though, one may sip directly from the bowl.


• Use your finest china for Thanksgiving dinner. Paper plates are considered poor form. Flinging food and shouting "catch" should be reserved for leftovers.


• After Thanksgiving meal - Burp: acceptable. Fart: not. Loudly announcing "I gotta take a dump": severely frowned upon.


• Under no circumstances should anyone be allowed to wear the turkey.


• The giblet gravy bowl should never be referred to as a barf bag, no matter how pink the gravy is.


• Where helpings are concerned, seconds are recommended. Twelths are considered slightly excessive.


• Electric carving knives are for turkeys, not for shaving toenails at the table.
  
• Anyone making a turkey breast joke may be beaten about the head with the gravy ladel.


• Real drinks should be offered as beverages, rather than just offering that there is "significant water on the moon."
  
• While turkey does contain tryptophan and this can cause mild sleepiness, dozing in the mashed potatoes is frowned upon.


• Although they are sometimes called drumsticks, turkey legs should never be used with actual drums.
  
• Green beans should never be worn in the nostrils.


• Never mix sweet potatoes and regular potatoes in one bowl. This could collapse the space-time continuum.
  
• When helping oneself to a dish, always be sure to avoid knocking down elderly guests who may be between you and the food.


• Whatever variation of succatash you serve, never, ever include bananas.
  
• Avoid excessive chatter at the table about how big the Macy's Day parade balloons were, as this is boring nonsense.


• Alcoholic beverages should never be served before the Thanksgiving meal, unless it truly sucks.
  
• The "eating corn on the cob as though you were a typewriter" gag is at least 40 years out of date. Making the little bell sound at the end of each row of corn will only mark you as a social outcast.


• All Pilgrim outfits must include pants.
  
• Christmas decorations do not have to be put up right after the meal, no matter what your grandmother says.


• Everything does not automatically go better with gravy at Thanksgiving. Iced tea, for example.
  
• Watching the football games after a Thanksgiving meal is a time-honored tradition. Tackling grandmother and spiking her crocheting bag is not.


• During Thanksgiving the terms "sweet potato" "wishbone" and "corn on the cob" are not to be used as euphemisms.
  
• Do not slurp cranberry sauce from the plate. Only jello may be consumed in this way at the table.


• In disfunctional family fights, avoid stabbing relatives with the same knife used to carve the turkey.
  

* Some of these originally appeared on Earl's Twitter account. (Some may yet appear there, depending on how lazy Earl is.) Follow him @earlfando! Follow Stew @stewmiller42! (Yes, Stew's still alive.) Follow Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown @cakeyclown!