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Thursday, February 14, 2008

You Think I Give a Dang About A Grammy?

The Grammy Awards are a downright dad-blamed ever-loving JOKE, ladies and gentlemen. Do you hear me, you oldety old crotchety rickety Grammy voters? You give awards to weird ladies with huge hair, strange people with crooked teeth and neck sores, Best Album of the Year to scratchy old alleyway music--what my grandparents' generation called "Sidewalk Tunes." You know what I mean, people? Crummy old sidewalk tunes get all the Grammy awards, and truly wonderful bands that play real music get overlooked, totally overlooked. It makes me sick. In fact, I've spent the last few days vomiting gravy into soup cans over the Grammy Awards.

Bands that were overlooked this year by the Grammy committee:

Diny Cowbossalou and the Several Noises Jazz Quintet
Best progressive jazz band of the year, in my worthy opinion. Their album "Cornbread for Dead French Corporals" showed us a new way to integrate garbage can noises into the symphony of Spanish guitars and alto saxophones. Diny has toiled away in the trenches of progressive jazz for seventy years and nobody will give him the time of day or even let him play his music in public. It's about time he won something, Grammy. Wake up.

Horse Noises and Don Ho
Quincy Franklin came up with this genius of an idea: mixing the noises of horses whinnying and neighing and snorting with old tracks of Don Ho singing his lovely classics. Imagine, if you can, a horse loudly shrieking in the middle of the foggy field. Now, imagine that noise captured on motion picture quality microphones. Now, imagine that recorded sound looped over a live performance of Don Ho singing "Tiny Bubbles" in a night club in 1975. It's more powerful than you can even imagine, but no Grammy? No Grammy for this? Sickening.

The Little Brass Band of Bartlesville, Oklahoma presents National Anthems of the World.Creativity beyond anything you've ever imagined. Seven elderly ladies playing tubas, trombones, and cornets, render one national anthem after the other on this amazing, mind shattering perfection of an album. Have you ever heard the national anthem of Belgium? Of course you have. But have you ever heard it rendered by a brass band of old ladies playing tubas, trombones and cornets? Doubtful. If you had, your life would not be the same. And Grammy overlooked it? How dare they! It makes me want to set a book on fire.

Jon Butterworth Lifelover
Jon Lifelover is North America's second best table tapper. But unlike North America's first best table tapper, Jon Lifelover has the nerve and courage to record himself tapping out the Top 40 hits of the 70s, 80s and today (he skips the 90s) on a variety of tabletops. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" tapped out on marble, you can't comprehend how marvelous that is. Britney Spears' "Toxic" tapped out on oak with the toetips, it's just indescribable. Grammy ignored it, people. Totally ignored it.

I can't even go into all the other amazing bands that Grammy overlooked. Puddin Foot and the Whazoos, for example, or Tweeter Joe and His Longtime Banjo Biters, or how about Margie Noisehippo and her Magical Bongo Drums. All overlooked. All ignored.

It might be time to rise up, people. It just might be time.


Nuffy Sarge Noe, Esq.


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