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Sunday, June 12, 2005

Tyson tries everything...comes up short

Mike Tyson may have seen his last professional fight last night after losing to unheralded Irish boxer Kevin McBride in six rounds. Tyson reportedly tried everything he could to put McBride away, including low blows, a head butt, and attempting to break his arm in a clinch. Nothing fazed the big 270 pound Irish heavyweight, not even when Tyson turned to more desperate measures.

"I knew that after the chain saw and the bazooka that I was done for, " said Tyson. "I was surprised the referee didn't see the chain saw, but it was loud in there and he may have thought the noise was the pay-per-view announcers snoring into their microphones," said McBride. "Still, for him to miss it after Tyson cut through 3 of the ropes was pretty amazing." When asked how he manage to avoid the chain saw for two whole rounds, McBride answered, "I just kept my right up and held him off with my corner stool. After he cut the legs off of it though, it meant I had to stand between rounds, which was a bit tiring."

Tyson's desperation hit a new high note in the sixth round though. "I was going to try and bite his ears off, like with Evander Holyfield," said the former heavyweight champion, "but they were prepared and had his ears covered with hot chili sauce. Man, I hate that spicy %$&*!" Seeing no other means of stopping the massive Irishman, Tyson pulled out a bazooka at the start of the round. Fortunately, for McBride and sections 1A through 126B of the MCI Center, the bazooka misfired and referee Joe Cortez penalized him two points for illegal equipment.

At the beginning of the seventh round, Tyson's trainers told the referee he had enough. "I would've have come out for the seventh, if I could have only gotten that machete from the training room," said Tyson. "Unfortunately, we accidentally locked the keys inside, so I had to quit. I give all credit to McBride. It's not many boxers who can hold off a chain saw-wielding maniac like me."


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