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Monday, June 06, 2005

Tony Hawk Looking to the Future as Well

Jorge Carlito Viejo is not the only person looking towards the future. This report demonstrates that super skateboarder and X-Games publicity diva Tony Hawk (Real name: Gilbert Finklepants) is also looking to the future. I did a little research and discovered this press release, still in the embryonic stages, from Tony's talent agency, Skateboarders R Us.

Press Release - June (date to be announced for final draft) - Skateboarders R Us for Tony Hawk (aka G. Finklepants)

I, Tony Hawk, have looked beyond the concrete ramps, half-pipes, and metal railings of my present day experience, and seen the future.

The future is coming dudes, and there's nothing we can do about it. It's like that guy Criswell says in my favorite movie, Plan 9 from Outer Space, "I know we dudes are all interested in the future, because that's where you and I will spend the rest of our lives."

It's coming like the hard concrete floor after a botched 360.

It's coming like the wheels of a BMX when the loser cyclist you paid 5 grand to messes up the crossover jump and leaves tread on your helmet.

It's coming like the next X-Games is coming, whether anyone above the age of 14 watches or not (August 4-7 in Los Angeles, dudes!).

It's coming like my 40th birthday in 3 years dudes, after which I'll have skateboard in an extreme wheelchair.

I have seen the future dudes, and I don't like it a bit because I'll be too old and gnarly to experience the intensity of the newness.

I have seen a dude in Nevada summon spaceships with his mental prayers dudes, and they show up, like little golf balls hit up into the stratoionosphereizone by that rockin Tiger Woods dude who drives the lame geezer Buicks.

I have seen dudes whip around in Segway personal transports, which would get hammered if a taxi cab hit them in New York City. Dudes, on a skateboard, you could just go over the cab, Spanky. In the future though, dudes get rolled.

I have seen people in what they call "personal helicopters", which are just like regular helicopters, only, and this is the creepy part dudes, much smaller. You could almost wear them like a hat.

I have seen electric lawnmowers dudes. With no extension cords! That is the freaky-deakyist dudes. You can like mow without pulling the ripcord. I got one for my apartment, dudes.

I have seen Jay Leno announce his retirement from the Tonight Show. Man, he's been on there for like 12 years, dudes! He must be like seventy. He must do cryogenics when he's off the set.

I have seen water fountains at Disney World that shoot little sprays of water. Dudes, they are like alive. They jump from one place to another. It doesn't matter if you hold up your hand and block them, dudes. If you kill one, like another comes right up to replace it. They're like the roaches in my garage, dudes.

I have seen all of the Star Wars movies...but not in order. Freaky!

The future is here dudes. It's like, already over.

But there's more. I have had visions, dudes...usually right after a bad fall, but vivid like a Lindsay Lohan outfit. Vivid like Lenny Kravitz silk shirts, dudes. Vivid like a Charlie's Angels movie.

I have seen skatebaords without wheels, dudes. They ride on like magnetic waves and I swear I thought I saw Michael J. Fox on one sometime.

I have seen a robot who looked just like Darryl Hannah, dudes, only younger. Man, that droid was so hot, Harrison Ford was like sweating in my vision.

I have seen more robots. That kid who saw dead people was a robot, only he was like, real confused, probably because he was going through robot puberty and was trying to figure out why the Darryl Hannah robot made him feel so light-headed and warm all over. Robin Williams was a robot too, only I don't remember so much because I think I fell back asleep for that vision.

I even have Will Smith, wasting all the robots as fast as he can. He must not go for Darryl Hannah types, dudes. I think he was doing it to protect the Earth from aliens or something. He had some really cool shades.

I have seen people sentenced to jail in tubes, but they escape and go after the dudes who put them there.

I have seen mechanical sharks, dudes. I even saw some sharks with lasers on their heads, dudes. Lasers! That was some evil stuff, dudes.

The future is looking wicked weird. I only hope I don't snuff out before it gets here man. I mean, I'm 40 soon. I don't know how long my Social Security will hold out. I could be like broke by the time I'm 45.

Dudes, the future is scary...but cool.


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