It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

That article caused me to produce Greenhouse gases!

The article that prompted Earl's post yesterday had me fuming, but not at Radiohead or any other non-"carbon neutral" bands. First of all, it's about as silly as saying Blue Man Group is not environmentally sensitive since they haven't changed their name to Green Man Group but also, look at who's calling the kettle black. The Sunday Times has probably wiped out more trees in a fortnight than Radiohead will if they continue to make albums into their nineties. This prompted me to jump on the Concorde and make my way to jolly old London town to confront the editor in chief of The Sunday Times, Sir Clive Lionel Clive Kensington at his posh flat in Chelsea. After several hours waiting for a Concorde to arrive I was informed by the janitor that it doesn't fly anymore so I jumped on Virgin Atlantic. I did quitely break some crockery to both show my disgust with The Sunday Times and my commiseration with Peter Buck.

After a few days, and several canings, I was able to post bail with a promise to return for court, and was off to interview Sir Clive.

Stew: Sir Chive, I mean Sir Clive, are you aware of the article in The Sunday Times concerning the accusation that Radiohead is not environmentally sensitive?

Sir Clive: Yes, quite smashing. A true bit of pluck by those boys in the news room, I fully expect a GBE for this work.

Stew: Have you read the article?

Sir Clive: Not... really. No. Do you have a copy?

Sir Clive (scanning the article): Yes, mmm hmmm. Ah, the ECCM...very good. CO2? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that.

Stew: It means carbon dioxide.

Sir Clive: Yes, of course it does. Mmmm hmmmm. Well it's obvious we've crossed our t's and dotted our i's here.

Stew: But doesn't it seem like the pot is calling the kettle black here? I don't want to call you shallot, shallow, but The Sunday Times must produce many more times the CO2 not to mention all of the trees used for printing the paper.

Sir Clive: I can assure you we have taken steps to remove all carbon producing entities from The Sunday Times starting at the very top. Most of my staff and I are composed entirely of vermiculite and through technology we hope to cut out the use of breathing entirely by next year. Furthermore, unknown to the general public The Sunday Times has been printed on a new fibre composed of Weetabix and Marmite and is entirely edible.

(Sir Clive starts eating a copy of the newspaper, but starts to choke and spits most of it out)

Stew: None of that's true is it?

Sir Clive: No, I panicked. Really it's all Rupert Murdoch's fault. You know it started after the Hitler Diaries fiasco and then when Rupert came along he wanted us to be more controversial so we started publishing these exposés.

Stew: Leek... sorry, like the exposé saying that Fergie's weight loss was causing the polar ice caps to melt and that Liz Taylor adjusting her waistband had resulted in last year's tsunamis?

Sir Clive: Yes, not to mention the one where Don King's hair was responsible for Soul Plane and that Roseanne Barr was really a Yeti.

Stew: So all of those were fictitious?

Sir Clive: Yes, except we're still not sure about Roseanne Barr.

Stew: So you are willing to go on record that The Sunday Times has been irresponsible for publishing these stories?

Sir Clive: Well of course, but first let me show you some papers I think that you will find very enriching.

Stew: Are you trying to offer me a bribe?

Sir Clive: Yes, is there anything wrong?

Stew: No, just wanted to be sure we were on the same page, can I have one of those pearl onions in my martini, thank you.

In conclusion let me say that The Sunday Times is a smashingly good tab and if anyone says otherwise they will have to take it up with me. I would like to thank myself...I mean Sir Clive for his precious time and am going out right now to renew my subscription. Cheerio.

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