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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Radiohead Destroys the Earth!

I knew their music was awesomely loud, but I had no idea it was causing global warming. Of course it should be obvious to anyone that a rendition of The Bends could melt an iceberg at close range on sheer energy alone.

Still, if Radiohead's music is destroying virgin forests and raising the earth's temperature, just imagine the damage being done by Ashley Simpson or Britney Spears. Somewhere in the vast expanses of the universe lie entire planets that will instantly explode into dust, fire, and ashes when the transmissions of these young women's (ahem) "music" arrives. Millions of teenage alien beings will spend their final moments of existence twitching and gyrating convulsively through space to the excruciating, yet basic rhythms, amplified to obscene decibel levels and accompanied by the densely electronic filtered warbling of these two overhyped and underdressed showgirls. They'd be better off being eaten by that planet-killer thing from the original series of Star Trek. At least their eardrums wouldn't burst in merciless agony a few moments prior to their demise.

I'm not even going to begin to dwell on the stars that will be annihilated when all the hip-hop bass riffs arrive. One of them, played from the speakers of a passing car, is enough to crack the very concrete foundation of my home from end to end.

Give me Radiohead, U2, They Might Be Giants, and plant enough trees to get us to their next albums please.


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