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Monday, May 30, 2005

Star Wars leads box office at weekend

Film industry observers were shocked to discover that at the end of the U.S. Memorial Day weekend, Star Wars, Episode III (Part VI), The Return of the Cloned Revenge of the Phantom Sith Empire Strikes Jedis was the film with the most box office receipts.

"This is a huge surprise to us," stated industry insider I. M. A. Weasel, "We had no idea people would turn out for yet another Star Wars film, especially one where everyone knew the entire plot of the film, given that Episode IV was released 28 years ago."

In California, George Lucas openly wept at the news, which meant that he would not have to sell his palatial Skywalker Ranch for at least another 10,000 years. He and his family celebrated by offering to buy a round of beer for everyone on the planet, "except those people who believe that drinking alcohol is wrong, who can then have a Coke at Burger King, which comes with a free Jar Jar Binks doll whose head can be sliced off with a toy light saber." (Which incidentally is Burger King's most requested item.)

Others were also pleased with the news. Ewan MacGregor, who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi in the film, said, "I'm glad I saved all my talent and energies for George's film, rather than acting in the Harry Potter films or some cheap, worn-out science-fiction soap opera that has outlasted it's... oh, damn, what have I done?" He then repeatedly asked if anyone had J.K. Rowling's phone number.

Irish actor Liam Neeson, who played Qin Jin Somethingorother in Episode I: The Return of the Profits said, "I couldn't give a flying bleep about it. (He actually used the word "bleep" which apparently means something really foul in Gaelic.) I got paid for the first load of rubbish and haven't given it a thought since then, except when I drive around my 10 Hummers that I bought with the salary."

Natalie Portman, who played Mrs. Darth Vader in the series, stated that she was really pleased with the film's success and "looking forward to acting in the sequel."


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