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Friday, May 27, 2005

War over? Already?

From the amazing but true department: The BBC is reporting that two Japanese soldiers from World War II have reportedly been found in the mountains of southern Mindanao island in the Phillipines. Apparently they have been hiding in these mountains since the war. I immediately rang them up, via satellite-phone, and then a local connection, courtesy of Archie's Phillipino Grocery, located right in the area.

Earl Fando: Hello, I'd like you to tell me about your experiences since the war.

Japanese soldier #1: Iie, Wakashimashite!

(Fortunately Archie speaks a bit of Japanese and could translate.)

Earl Fando: So, you've both been hiding since the war. Were you aware the war was over?

Japanese soldier #1: Oh, yes! However, we were not comfortable going back to Japan under the circumstances.

E.F. : Were you concerned about the Allied occupation?

J.S. #1: No, no... we both hate sushi and teppanyaki! Do you realize how tiring ramen noodles get after awhile?

E.F. : Having just had strep throat, actually I do.

J.S. #2: Say what? You have a strap on your throat?

E.F. : Never mind. Why did you choose the mountains in Mindanao.

J.S. #2 : We didn't. We were actually on a small island in the Pacific.

E.F. : Really? Well, that's news. Why and how did you leave?

J.S. #1: Well, we had planned to stay for quite awhile, but a small boat became shipwrecked there.

E.F. : Didn't you want the help and the company?

J.S. #1: We were going to ask, but the group was very troubling. There was a large man who always wore a blue shirt and a captain's hat, and he shouted all the time and complained about the war.

J.S. #2: And there was a mad scientist who made all kinds of strange things out of bamboo and coconuts, including a bicycle, a car, a radio, and a still. We thought he might do medical experiments on us. We did managed to steal some martinis though.

J.S. #1: We almost stayed for the women. One was older and married and quite standoff-ish, but the other two were really desperate for male company, especially the red head.

E.F. : Wait a minute. Blue shirt? Scientist? Red head? Are you trying to say that you were on Gilligan's Island?

J.S. #2: How did you know the name of the skinny one with the floppy hat? That was his island? I thought Mr. Thurston was the rich one!

E.F. : That's a TV programme! You two are fakes!

J.S. #1: All I know is that Mary Ann girl gave really good back rubs.

E.F. : Enough.

J.S. #2: OK, OK, it was a little joke... we've had satellite TV in the mountains for the last 20 years.

E.F. : Satellite TV in the mountains?

J.S. #1: Did I stutter? Yes, we watch a lot of American TV, via Australia...especially old reruns from the 70's.

J.S. #2: We really miss Baretta.

Both J.S. (singing): "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time, yeah, yeah!"

As you can see, this is a truly amazing, albeit pathetic, story. The soldiers claim they want to go back to Japan now, because they want to see one of the Japanese pop music countdown programmes in person, and also because of all the McDonalds.


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