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Friday, June 03, 2005

I laughed, I cried, I touched the rupture

Into the busy summer movie season comes, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, a soppy, hokum story of four girls who find a magical pair of pants which they share with results that only magical pants found at a secondhand store can bring. Now, I'm sure it's a fine story of post-adolescent girls having a coming of age experience brought to us through interesting vignettes full of intrigue and international travel, but it's certainly no Rashômon. However, it did make me curious to see if any other garment related movies were on the horizon. I pulled out the Great Big Book of Soon To Be Released Movies and here is what I found.

A Truss Grows in Bettendorf - The Fred Garvin Story - Starring Dan Ackroyd, it's the story of everyone's favorite male prostitute from the Quad Cities - Moline, Rock Island, Davenport, and Bettendorf. Fred wins our hearts while wearing an elaborate network of trusses and striking some seductive poses.

Harry Potter and the Uncomfortable Underpants - An incantation gone wrong leaves young Harry (played by Daniel Radcliffe - Age 29) stuck in a pair of burlap drawers. Is it the mysterious Sirious Black or the evil wizard Lord Voldemort who hold the secret to getting our "young" hero back into a comfortable set of undies? Find out in the tenth installment of the series Harry Potter and the AARP Membership starring Wilford Brimley as Quizenart the wizard of pensions and the social security.

Star Wars - Episode VII Return of the Jedi Knee-highs - This is the story of an aging Luke Skywalker who is forced to wear orthopedic stockings due to a bout of the varicose veins. Luke must summon the strength of The Force to get over the embarrassment after he is locked out of his hut while getting the mail in his robe.

The Man Who Knew Too Much...about Fashion - Starring Carson Kressley this is a remake of the Hitchcock film starring Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day of the remake of the Hitchcock film starring Leslie Banks and Edna Best. The update of the story concerns the kidnapping of Carson's toy pekinese Mister Cuddles after Carson pans the footwear choice of the Ayatollah Khamenei on national television. True to the original story Carson hires bounty hunter and celeb du jour Duane "Dog" Chapman to hunt down the whereabouts of Mr. Cuddles and kick some serious Iranian backside in the process. In the end Mr. Cuddles is returned after the Ayatollah is touched by a soulful, albeit raspy, rendition of "Que Sera, Sera" delivered immaculately by "Dog" Chapman.

Other titles that are in the works:

Men in Black Nighties
The Right Cuff
Midnight, Wearing the Garters of Good and Evil
Donnie BRA-sco
Get Short-ies
Shirt Circuit
Little Knickers


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