It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Katie...Tom...Get a Room

The world is agog over the May/September romance between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Cruise, at 42 is 16 years older than Holmes, and this has some people up in arms. It even has Tom and Katie up in arms...each others, and in a variety of public places.

"It's disgusting and ridiculous to see, " fumed Michael Douglas before returning to his home to canoodle with wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, followed by a full-body Ben Gay rub down.

"Weird and alarming," stated Demi Moore, who then went into a full-body clinch with Aston Kutcher, which ended when the maitre'd of the bistro they were eating at turned a fire hose on them.

"I'm confused, myself," claimed Sir Paul McCartney. "I mean, I know my wife is 25 years younger than I am, but hey, I'm a Beatle!" McCartney then launched into a song and was immediately proposed to by at least 400 women around the age of 19, every one of which claimed that bigamy laws were unfair and should be repealed.

At least one website has dedicated itself to the premise that Katie Holmes is in some way captive to the peculiar Scientology religious practices of Cruise. Holmes denies this, stating that the anti-Thetan tinfoil hat and knickers she wears are merely one of the newest styles emanating from Paris and that "even sensible people like Madonna" wear them.

She also claims that her t-shirt, which bore the slogan, "I Love L. Ron Hubbard" was a prank played on her by one of her friends, who told her that L. Ron Hubbard was the name of the character Tom Cruise played in Jerry Maguire.

Holmes claims to still be a Catholic in good standing, even if she does take communion from inside a hermenutically-sealed replica of Apollo 11 whilst dressed in a robe made completely of Saran Wrap (Similar to an outfit modeled here, by Demi Moore and not to be confused with Glad Cling Wrap, which is worn by Brittney Spears.)

Perhaps the most alarming thing about the Cruise/Holmes relationship, besides Tom's newfound desire to leap all over furniture on interview programmes, is their constant public lip-lock. On at least one occasion Holmes mentioned something about wanting to have Cruise's baby, to which Cruise responded, "All right, honey, let's go!" and wrestled her lovingly to the floor. Fortunately, the security guards at the MTV Movie Awards were able to get them back to their feet and inside the awards show, where they could freely exercise their passion whilst presenting the award for "Best Clevage in an Adam Sandler comedy".

Still, the two do seem to be in love. "I'm more and more in love every day. It's like, `Wow.'" Holmes told her dear friend Access Hollywood.

What lies next for these two? Well, aside from the inevitable beating Holmes will take the next time she and Nicole Kidman cross paths on a red carpet, no one knows. Will the paprazzi dull the shine of this passionate pair, or will Cruise merely tire of Holmes and decide that the Olsen twins are worth pursuing in a few months? Or will Holmes prefer to return to her private home, leaving the swanky seclusion of the "Dianetics Resort Inn and Youth Hostel" behind.

Stay tuned for the sickening details!

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