Sean's Notebook

Sean Penn is in Tehran, working as a reporter for that paragon of journalism The San Francisco Chronicle, in advance of the Iranian elections.

OK, I'm actually being serious here, even if it sounds like a joke. I realize that the line about the San Francisco Chronicle being a "paragon of journalism" was a joke but Sean Penn really is working for them and Iran is going to have elections. Both of these facts are in themselves jokes as well, but unfortunately they are also true.

Of course the Iranian elections are predictable enough. Allow me to supply you with the headline for the day after the elections: "Hardliners win in surprising sweep of elections" (In the Chronicle headline include an exclaimation point to denote enthusiasm.) The fact that everyone opposed to the regime in Iran will be boycotting the elections might have something to do with that as well (Rasfanjani elected President over opposition by 27 votes to 1...and that one won't be around for long said the new President.)

Still, Sean Penn in Iran, sitting there listening to radical Islamists preaching sermons of hatred of America and the Bush Administration. Could anyone be faulted for thinking he was merely on vacation?

The article stated that Sean took copious notes in his notebook. (How appropriate!) Curious as to what kind of notes this novice reporter might be taking, we enlisted the help of some friends at the CIA, a spy satellite, and a private detective disguised as an Iranian Sean Penn groupie (he was difficult to spot behind the veil) to get ahold of a copy of this interesting document.

My Own Private Notebook

Owned by: Sean Penn

Grade: Grownup

• The call to prayer is going up. It's not Green Day but it's still a righteous tune.
• The translator is going to keep me up to speed. Wish I knew more Farsi than "Hello", and "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
• The crowd is chanting "Death to America". That's catchy. Must remember that for the next Academy Awards. I mean, I love my country, but that just sounds cool.
• Ayatollah Amhad Rashadi is saying something about voting to make America angry. Cool, maybe Howard Dean is in the running here.
• Man, I hope they don't notice the tattoo of the Stars and Stripes on my bicep. I knew that military picture would come back to haunt me. I really need to think about giving method acting a rest.
• A lot of guys here. I wonder where all the chicks are?
• Death to America again...I wonder when they'll start chanting "Death to Bush" so I can join in and not feel guilty?
• I wonder if any of these guys know where I can get a good bratwurst?
• Finally a woman...she looks kinda butch though. Man, is that five o'clock shadow? Still...a female. Let me just put my notepad down and sign an autograph...

I can hardly wait until Oscar season rolls around again...he's a fine actor but good heavens...