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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Surprises at the Big Obama Bash


All of America seems to be gearing up for the big Obama inauguration party this weekend. One half of America is excited to see the man they voted for enter office, and the other half is trying to make as much money off of Obama memoribilia as they can, to offset their financial losses in the recession.

Anyway, there's a massive party going on as I write this. I did a little investigating, and according to a very reliable source,* there are going to be quite a few amazing surprises for the throngs of celebrants.

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The Big Surprises at the Obama Inaugural Party

  • John McCain plans to streak the stage, covered with nothing but tears.
  • Three words: Rip, Taylor, confetti.
  • The Eagles will reunite, break up, and then reunite again, just for this show. Since each musical act only gets one song, it should be a racuous number.
  • The crowd will be tear gassed and beaten with batons by Park Police in a special commemoration of the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention.
  • The preserved body of Librace will make a special appearance and "perform" some of his greatest hits. Obama's people stated that this was in no way an attempt to placate critics of Rick Warren. "We wanted to bring Rick Warren and his anti-Prop 8 critics together by giving them both something they could be properly appalled at," a spokesperson said.
  • Beyonce will host, sing repeatedly, and make goo-goo eyes at the President-elect until Michelle Obama bodily removes her from the stage and the District of Columbia.
  • President-elect Obama will have a guy wacked, just to show he's in charge now. A volunteer (MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann) was found for the occasion.
  • The Rush Limbaugh dunking tank
  • Nancy Pelosi will sing MacArthur Park
  • The French Air Force will do a flyover
  • Hilary Clinton's will recreate Peter Finch's legendary scene from Network. Obama's people say this isn't actually a planned event. They just expect it to happen sometime during the inaugural events. Park Police are armed with thorazine tranquilizers, in case the former first lady is armed.
  • The Scarlett Johansson kissing booth
  • The Bill Clinton kissing booth
  • The Barney Frank kissing booth
  • Dick Cheney will be removed to an undisclosed location.
  • Barbara Striesand will come out of retirement to sing The Way We Were and jump 13 double-decker buses on a motorcycle. Streisand's representatives said that, "Barbara wants to do something memorable for President Obama, and she thought that just singing would be too predictable." If Ms. Striesand is unable to complete the jump for any reason, Oprah will step in as the backup.
  • The Washington Monument will be launched into space as a giant firework at the end. An Obama spokesperson reportedly stated that, "...not only will it be a spectacular way to end the festivities, but we'll need the space if the Obama Monument is to be completed by 2013 ...I mean 2017."

*At the parking garage, he said his name was "Deep Stoat" but he sounded an awful lot like Joe Biden.

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