It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Okay, So the Speeches Weren't Golden


As anyone who watched the big awards ceremony last night can tell you, there were plenty of Golden Globes on display ...and that was just on the runway, along with botoxed foreheads, tucked tummies, liposuctioned derrieres, and according to one rumour, a toupee' (say it ain't so Oprah!)

There were also many speeches to go with those little Daily Planet awards. The most talked about speech was Kate Winslet's in which she managed to accomplish the following all at once:

  • Mistakenly pronounce Angelina Jolie's name as "Fred Flintstone"
  • Thank twelve people who didn't actually work on the film, including two tourists who crashed her trailer and drank her stash of Carlsberg
  • Cry on three separate occasions in the same speech
  • Start a rumour that she is married to both Sam Mendes and Leo DiCaprio
  • Speak longer than Obama did at the convention

To be fair to Kate, hers was not the strangest speech of the evening. No, they don't let those speeches air on telly. Even the Foreign Entertainment Layabout Press Association thingy has enough class to keep these details off the air. There's a reason (besides Vice President Cheney's itchy trigger finger) that they run these shows on a fifteen-second delay and cut to adverts faster than X-Files: I Want to Believe went to DVD*:

**********

Danny Boyle (accepting Best Director for Slumdog Millionaire): "I really don't know anything about directing a Bollywood film. They told me to pretend everyone was Scots and stoned out of their minds. It was originally going to be a musical."

Matthew Weiner (accepting Best Television Drama for Mad Men): "I'd like to thank the voters for this award, and the people at my table if they'd stop making fun of my name. It's pronounced "WINE-er!"

Mickey Rourke (accepting Best Actor for The Wrestler): "This is for all those people who said that Wild Orchid was a bad career move! Up yours, you [four minutes deleted]!!! And from the bottom of my heart, thank you! Now, I need a smoke."

Alec Baldwin (accepting Best Television Comedy Actor for 30 Rock): "I would just like to offer my deep thanks to Tina Fey, for allowing me to be on the show and for not killing me on several occasions, when she had every reason to. [kisses Ms. Fey several times on the buttocks... does the 'we're not worthy' pose... whips self with a bamboo cane as he slowly grovels his way offstage]"

Laura Dern (accepting Best Supporting Actress for a Series, Miniseries, or Television Movie for Recount): "I just want to thank you for rewarding me for this opportunity to prove myself politically committed enough to get back to work in big time, mainstream feature films. Please people, I promise I hate Bush! I need a blockbuster. I'm tired of telling my family they'll have to get the DVD!"

Bruce Springsteen (accepting Best Song for The Wrestler): "I just [grunt] wanna [grunt] the [grunt] [grunt] for [lengthy grunting sounds] and say [several grunts] and [grunt] [possibly the word 'Obama']! [Grunt] You Very [grunt]!!! [leaves stage to massive cheers]

Sasha Baron Cohen (accepting for ?): "I haven't actually won an award this year, but the producers enjoyed my speech about wrestling naked in Borat so much that they asked me to come back. The problem is that I made a personal vow never to do such a scene again. That crossed a line, even for me. I'm still scrubbing myself, people."

Tina Fey (accepting Best Television Comedy Actress for 30 Rock): "I am sick and tired of these bloggers criticizing and harrassing creative people all the time. Weaselbottom, Tina-stalker, Leopardhearts, Gingkospawn, Jimmyfallonsdoppelganger, Johanngambolputty, Bronx_Sleestak, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, artistwhowasformerlyknownasprince, and lmichaels@nbc.com, this is for you! [makes obscene gesture]...oh yeah, [offstage] Alec, you can stop now!"

* Of course this is all based on rumour, so we could be completely mistaken. The chances of this increase proportionally to the likelihood that someone will sue. Sometimes, the fact that no one reads this blog is a relief.

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