On the Contrary, Nuffulupagus

Sadly, Nuffy's long stays in Nepal, Brunei, Kidderminster, and points east have fogged his once fantastic memory. I remember a time when Nuffy could recall exactly how many times John Cleese cleared his throat in the Anne Elk sketch (forty-seven, by my count) but now ask him the question and he goes off into some vague monologue about Lyndon LaRouche, Ross Perot, and a hovercraft.

So, I must clear up Nuffy's libelous reporting regarding my feud with George Takei. First, I ought to mention that I do a decent impersonation of Takei's voice (though not the one Mike Nelson tweeted about the other day, I should add). This is besides the point, except that it entertains Bill Shatner when I do the stoned version.

Second, I have had little to no personal dealings with Mr. Takei, except for the time I told him to take the Heroes gig. I told him it would be "a classic," so of course he's brassed off about that. What a disaster. There were no stabbings, but he did send me a greeting card.

I didn't attend Mr. Takei's wedding either. I watched the whole thing on closed circuit with Shatner. He played a drinking game where he took a shot of Grey Goose everytime the words "egocentric actor" came up in the ceremony. He was stone drunk inside of a quarter of an hour, and that was just the processional.

About the video, that was most definitely not me in the scene. For one thing, I'm a foot taller and my hair was much longer and frissier then.* (I used to run a balloon across it every morning for the static.) Also, I would have only been two years old at the time. Those might have been my jammies, though.

There were a few other odd things about that video. For one, Takei sweats a lot, doesn't he? You'd think someone had covered the man in Wesson. Also, did anyone notice that Sulu's sword was... well, bent. It looked like someone had been using it to jimmy the door of a Miata.

All this talk of Star Trek though reminds me of my two favourite episodes:

All Our Camelots



and Damn It, Jim, He's Only the Doctor

*Mrs. Fando likes it shorter now, so it doesn't get caught in the doors anymore.

Pip Clowson for President

I hesitate to ask this, but who are you going to vote for in November, America? Are you going to vote for Obama or McCain? Either way, you are stupid. Either way, you are an embarrassment. Either way, you are failures. Either way, you are morally sick and mentally broken. Either way, you are sub-par. Either way, you are mentally questionable. Either way, you have disavowed your own nation in favor of a nation of blithering yak hearted fiends. Either way, you shame the universe with your decisions. Either way, you set fire to your dreams, kick your hopes in the groin, slap your future in the face until its teeth break and fall out of its mouth, and take a baseball bat to the neck of your liberty like Al Capone to a serpent's ribcage.

Yes, I said it. I called it liked I see'd it, America. Obama himself has proclaimed, "If elected, I vow to imprison your children and burn your homes to the ground," or words to that effect, more or less. McCain, similarly, has publically declared, "Elect me your President, my good friends, and I will annihilate everything you've ever cared about and everyone you've ever loved," or, at least, implied it by the look on his face.

How can we choose between terrible misery and miserable terriby? That is like asking a horse to take a bath in battery acid or else to bite his own eyeballs out of his skull. You can't ask people to make choices. That's called communism, and I think we already bombed communism back to the bronze age, if I recall correctly.

As for me, I have rejected every political party in America, because they have all, brick by brick, built a stronghold of ideas that will never make sense to anyone who didn't go to college. And I didn't go to college. I was too busy building this country with my bare hands. I didn't sit around eating marshmallow pies and chocolate gravy in the dorm rooms. Did you? How did I build this country with my bare hands, you ask? By going outside, buckling down, with a hammer in one hand and a sack of nails in the other, and literally hammering nails into the wall of our great nation. Sometimes for hours on end. Sometimes I hammered a nail into another nail; You can't stop me.

All of that is to say, please for the love of my own heart, DON'T vote for either of those two old sacks of lie called Obama and McCain. I have a better candidate for you, children of George Washington. That better choice is 1) independent, 2) honest, 3) genuine, 4) correct, 5) not a tramp. His name is Pip Clowson, and he is a farmer, a real man of the earth, and he cares about little people and stuff you wouldn't know about. He knows what it means to suffer, and he knows what it means to believe in suffering.

Check out his personal blog and please, don't murder this nation with a terrible choice in November. Vote for Pip Clowson. Don't make me come over there and stop you for your dumb choices.

http://pipclowson.wordpress.com/

Nuffy, your Friend