Rumor has it that the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is five years old. That is a lot of years of propagating unfortunate ideas. Sadly, rumor does NOT have it that the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is five times better. This is mostly due to my absence, but, look people, I can't prop up this whole dog-and-pony show with my intellect alone. The burden is too great! I can't be funny every single day when the polar ice caps are attacking the polar bears with global conditions and the dolphins are turning to communism. It's too much, people. Too much even for the likes of a Five Times Better individual like Nuffy Sarge Noe.
Noble Reader, you've got to do your part to make the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas better. You've got to quit watching Jay Leno inflate his chin with benzene every night, put down that platter of balut eggs
, and do your part. And what is your part, you ask? Your part entails the following things:
1) roll up your sleeves
2) cinch up your belt
3) wipe the crumbs off your face
4) prefer pants to no-pants
5) log onto the e-mail program of your choice
6) contact America, the United Kingdom, parts of Canada, select cities in Latvia
7) obligate people to become regular, nay obsessive, readers of the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas
8) send cash donations to me or my lawyer
Now, if every man, woman, child, man-child and semi-woman would rise up from the couch of decay, turn away from Leno's gas-chin
, put the leftover casu marzu
back in the maggot barrel, and get your sweet, sweet behind onto the computer, then everything will be as it should be.
I have faith in you, loyal good people. I love your scent and your tenacity. Together, we can undo five years of decline and Earl Fando's pantsless dancing. Don't leave Earl in his pantslessness. Only you can help him, and only pants can help you help him, and only I can help myself to a delicious steaming bowl of escamoles
Thank you. Now, I must go put brownie batter in my socks and put my socks on my feet and watch dear, dear handsome Coco O'brien look at me through the television screen and know my heart.
Nuffy Sarge Noe
Labels: Five Times Better