Five Times Better Live Blog

Ladies and People, it's time to LIVE BLOG the OSCARS with your host Nuffy Sarge Noe, and his sidekick Albert "Bum" Edwards. Let's kick this off with a brief description of the lovely costumes being worn by tonight's super-duper-stars!

Tom Cruise - Love the hat! YES, finally a genuine stud-monkey is bringing back the pork pie hat. It's about time. Buster Keaton is smiling up at you from the third circle of Purgatory (don't worry, he's only got three centuries to go down there).

Zach Galifianakis - HOLY CROW COWS! Zach is wearing Oscar de la Renta's sequined beard-belt. Dazzling. A sparkling wonderland of chin glory. He just kissed Mini-Me on the back of the neck.

Tatum O'Neil - Hollywood's youngest hipster. Tatum O'Neil just got out of the limo, staggered over to a lamppost, and puked on Martin Short's shorts. But she's looking stunning...I mean, stunned. Love the pageboy haircut. PAGING THE BERRIES AND CREAM KID!



Thanks, Berries and Cream Kid. As always, love the hair, and the madman eyes.

Well, I'd better finish my lard and crackling and head inside the Kodak Theater for the presentation. I might be running a tad late. By pants split right up the back again. Ninth time this week. Polyester is not my friend. Neither is size 32.

More in just a minute.