It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Being Dainty

There is nothing wrong with being dainty. Yeah, you heard me. I'm not afeared to say it. I mean, seriously, someone needs to finally say it, and I am the one. There is nothing wrong with being dainty. Dainty is the new sarcastic. Sarcastic is soooooo 2007. Dainty is where it's at.

Now, having said that, and assuming you have all accepted my premise, let's talk about the qualities of being dainty. After all, it is a virtual certainty at this point that you will want to go out and practice being dainty. Get ahead of this trend, folks, before it passes you by. Don't wait for the bus driver or the mail carrier or the gong farmer to start being dainty before you hop on this best band wagon of all time.

Five tips for being dainty:

1) Stick that dang pinky finger out whilst sipping your tea. There is no good reason to keep the tiniest and lamest finger of all curled around the handle as if you needed its help to hold up the cup. Stick it straight out for all the world to see. That is dainty.

2) Tiptoes. There is no law obligating you to use the entire bottom of the foot when walking. It's just a ridiculous assumption that people make. "Oh," they say, "I have a heel, an arch, a ball of the foot and the pads of my toes. I'd better make sure every single one of those things touches the ground every time I take a step." Stop it! Just stop it! Only the front half of your foot should ever come into contact with the ground. Dainty people around the world already know and accept this.

3) Prancing. I do not, for the life of me, understand what everyone has got against prancing. People go out dancing, they spend a ton of money romancing, but where's all the prancing? Would the world really be a worse place if more people pranced now and again? I highly doubt it. Set out a block of time each afternoon to prance. You can prance in your backyard, on the sidewalk, in an open field somewhere, in your local park, or just right there in your dusty old drab living room full of kitsch paintings and tapestries.

4) Be impressed with unimpressive things. You read that right, dummy. You know how you act when you are genuinely impressed by something? Eyes wide, gasping noises, oohing and aahing, clapping your hands, taking an anxious step back. We all do these things when we're impressed, but now try doing them when you are not impressed. The next time a completely boring and uninteresting thing happens, exaggerate being impressed by it. People will know that you are dainty and never get over it.

5) Jingle bells on your clothes. Oh man, talk about the tenth level of dainty. This is it, stupids. You can buy whole bags of tiny, silver jingle bells at your nearest Christmas store or hobby shop. Get some clear thread and a sewing needle and attach those jingle bells to the hem of your garment, to the elbows of your sleeves, to the corners of your collar, to the ends of your shoelaces, to the butt of your jeans, whatever it takes. When you walk, it should sound like a Christmas nightmare breaking through the wall of sleep and vomiting itself into the real world like a Lovecraftian ooze.

If you can at least put these five things into practice, you will be well on your way to becoming fully and completely dainty. Get ahead of the trend before it's too late. Remember how you didn't get into the macarena until it was six months past being cool? Don't make that same mistake again. Be dainty today!

Your friend,

Nuffy Noe

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