Saturday, February 05, 2011
Ladies and germs, I'm sorry to break the news to you, but it's official. 2010 was your best year. The result of weeks of scientific study, lab tests and generous heaps of polling data make it clear. You accomplished more, enjoyed more soda and cake, capered more freely and had more decent conversations in 2010 than in any previous year. The hard data: your family annoyed you 3% less in 2010 than in 2009, your shoes fit 1.3% more snugly than those ratty sneakers you wore from September 2007 until August of 2009, and you went to the circus an average of .5 times.
Dr. Sanjib Viktay of Petterstown University-Ranjni is quoted in the Sana Morning Town News as gravely intoning, "The result of these one million man hours of intensive research are surprising. It clears up for us many assumptions about how poorly you fared in 2010, and hopefully the publication of these details will go far to drive out the misconception people have that you were on a downward trend in life, both personally, financially and psycho-emotionally."
The researchers point to key moments in 2010 as indicators of the overall superiority of your experiences:
1) Your neighbor accidentally mowed part of your lawn on three separate occasions, saving you an estimated 5.3 minutes of combined work.
2) The waiter at Olive Garden undercharged you by five cents on that pasta primavera you enjoyed in April. Contrast that with the fifteen cent overcharge you suffered in 2009 at Bloth Family Pharmacy on your order of scar lightening cream.
3) You found seven pennies over the course of the year and picked up five of them. Compare that with the four pennies you found in 2009 and the one you picked up that had streptococcus bacilli living in the grooves of Lincoln's beard. Yes, that's how you got strep in 2009.
4) Your significant other made fun of you behind your back 24% fewer times in 2010 than in 2009.
5) That Nigerian Prince who e-mailed you in March of 2010 about the $25 million that he wanted to transfer to you if you would first cover the transfer cost of $2500? Believe it or not, he was legitimate. Even if you didn't take him up on the offer, this is still considered (from a scientific viewpoint) better than the five fake Nigerian Princes who tried to scam you in 2009.
6) You finally excreted out the intestinal worms you picked up on your trip to Mexico in 2005. Yes, you were entirely unaware of the worms, but it still happened. You picked up the worms from eating that street taco in Piedras Negras, and they had been multiplying in your colon ever since and making you more prone to sickness. Good news, they finally left your system on October 12, 2010.
With this hard data in hand, I hope you will finally quit complaining about 2010 and also cease looking forward to 2011. As Dr. and Mrs. Plenthil Fhant write in the Berkeley Journal of Notice, "2011 and the years to follow are unlikely to be any good for you. Find a way to enjoy them by lowering your expectations and possibly writing a book about the best year of your life, 2010." With this reasonable attitude in mind, you can probably find a way to enjoy 2011. Salut!