Crazy Diego

Argentina coach and legendary player* Diego Maradona out on quite a show during the 2010 World Cup. In the space of a couple of weeks he managed to:

• Confuse people with constant changes between tracksuits and very, very expensive suits.
• Mistake the Golden Boot winner (for the most goals) for a German ballboy.
• Insist on press conferences at a single location in South Africa, regardless of where Argentina were playing.
• Acted out Beethoven's Ode to Joy every time Argentina scored.
• Acted out Wagner's Gotterdamerung every time Argentina got scored on.
• Wear out over 70 sets of rosary beads.**
• Get into a heated argument with German fans after losing to Germany in the quarterfinals.
• Suggested that the reason so many star players failed to perform is that they weren't "selfish" enough ...you know, like he was when he played.

So what's next for Diego Maradrama? Some predictions:

• Becomes the spokesperson for Armani's new $1,000 three-piece tracksuit.
• Confuses Lionel Messi with Paul Simon and repeatedly asks the Barcelona forward to "play 'Kodachrome.'"
• Grows his beard out and joins ZZ Top on a combination blues rock and football tour of Asia.
• Becomes infuriated when he finds out that the Jonas Brothers won't be coming back to Argentina for a full three months.
• Mistakes FIFA President Sepp Blatter for actress Betty White. Keeps asking Sepp what Mary Tyler Moore was like.
• Pranked by Russell Brand into thinking he's being sought to coach the English national team.
• Doesn't streak through Buenos Aires, since Argentina didn't win the World Cup, but he does moon a busload of River Plate supporters at a Buenos Aires Wal Mart.
• Gets into an argument with Elmo the Muppet during a guest appearance on Sesame Street. Refers to Elmo as a "cheating German mafioso fuzzball."
• Becomes addicted to Kelloggs Fruit Loops and takes to appearing in public with a toucan on his shoulder.
• Accidentally knocks his friend Fidel out while taking free kicks with casaba melons.
• Declares that Nickelodeon cartoon Go Diego Go is based on his professional stint at Napoli and that Baby Jaguar is based on his coke dealer.
• Castigates actor Danny DeVito for "looking down on him."
• Knocked out of first round of The Next Iron Chef when his receipe for cherries flambe turns out to be a flaming jersey he exchanged with another player after an international match with Spain.
• Rehired to coach Argentina through the 2014 World Cup because, as the Argentina Football Association notes, you can't buy publicity like this.

* ...and cocaine fiend, pill-popper, hand-baller, etc.
** This is an estimation.

Dora Jumps the Shark

Following up on the Dora the Explorer post a few days (weeks? months?) ago... for some strange reason, the show was on the other morning at home, and believe it or not, Dora actually jumped a shark in a boat.

No, I'm not just having a laugh. She jumped the thing in her little cartoon boat. Her pet orangutan Bosephus (or "Boots" for short) was along for the ride.

This may be the first time a show's creators recognized that their own product had reached the point of no return, downwardly spiralling into a core of wasted and useless repetitiveness. The writers literally had Dora jump the shark. At least when Fonzie did it, they thought at the time that it was clever.*

However, Dora then blew up the shark into chum with a torpedo, so there's hope for the loud** little tyke yet.

* They were wrong, of course.
** I'm not kidding. She may be Billy Mays child.

Dora Goes Postal

Getting ready for work this morning - the new job, the one that's taking so much time and energy from blogging - I chanced to catch a bit of Nickelodeon, as the Littlest Fando was watching, in a state of quiet hypnosis before the start of a long school day. Apparently, as the adverts revealed, Dora the Explorer has a new movie out. It must be new-age themed, because it had something to do with sparkly crystals. Either that, or the execs at Nick have her shilling instant tea.

Dora, as you'll remember (or not, which is why I'm telling you this) is the plucky little bilingual explorer who has singlehandledly* mapped 50% of what appears to be Candyland. She is most famous for shouting "Cuidado!" in times of peril, which occur whenever she wanders off the rocky path or gets her backpack caught in brambles.

Anyway, I for one feel that Dora has taken the cutesy explorer bit as far as it will go. She needs to stretch her wings and her abilities as a fictional cartoon character. My suggestion: Action movies.

**********
Clips from Dora the Explorer's latest film: Dora the Exterminator

Scene 17:

(Dora is skipping through the woods, when suddenly Swiper the thieving fox appears)

Dora: Swiper! No swiping! Swiper, no swiping!

(Dora pulls out a .38 and blows Swiper's head off.)

Dora: My friends, I'd like to teach you a new word in Spanish: Muerte.

Scene 29:

(Dora is skipping through the woods with Bosephus, her giant gorilla. Bosephus is suddenly felled by sniper fire, gravely wounded with slow-motion impact shots. Several armed ninjas appear, wielding flamethrowers, machine guns, and at least one pocketknife.)

Dora: Cuidado! Cuidado! I need something out of my backpack!

(Cut to an image of the backpack - The Backpack song plays)

Backpack: Backpack! Backpack!

Dora's voice: Can you find something that will help me blow apart all these ninjas into a pile of tangled limbs? Is it the flamethrower? The M-16? The mortars? The bazooka?

(The pointer on the screen clicks on the bazooka)

Dora's voice: That's right!

(Cut back to the scene. Dora pulls the bazooka out of her backpack and wipes out the ninjas with a single shot, because the stupid buggers were all standing too close to each other.)

Dora: (Looking at camera) Muerte.

(The "We did it!" song starts up...)

**********

Sounds like a hit to me.**

*Not counting her monkey, Bosephus***

** Pun intended

***Yes, I know it's "Boots" but he reminds me of Hank Williams Jr.