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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Come on Down!!! You're the Next Justice of the United States Supreme Court

Well, now that Harriet "Earl Anthony" Miers is no longer a candidate for the United States Supreme Court, eager Washington press monkeys are awaiting the next person to be smeared with raw meat and gristle, and thrown into the lions cage ... ahem, I mean sent to the Senate for bipartisan questioning.

Many names have come up: Luttig, Alito, Owen, Brown, Mahoney. All of these would be very meaningful if I had a law degree and extensive free time to query Lexus-Nexus for their legal writings, case experience, and percentage of 7-10 split pickups. As I'm into neither the legal world or bowling I couldn't tell any of these people from Karl Malden, except to know that they would be the ones who didn't appear in The Streets of San Francisco.

So I have to go on the well-honed instincts of a comedy blog writer, which means picking people solely on the basis of how funny it would be to hear their names and the words "Supreme Court Justice" next to them. This leads to obvious choices such as "Supreme Court Justice David Lee Roth", and "Supreme Court Justice Moon Unit Zappa". The alternate strategy is to imagine someone who would look extremely funny in long, black robes and wielding a gavel. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Supreme Court Justice CarrotTop."

In any case, I've conducted this exercise before here, and you can see that I was not only wrong, but that one of my suggestions, Bob Denver, passed away right around the same time as Renquist, which would have accounted for one of the shortest terms ever, had he been selected.

I was also ignored, but will still make myself available if called. I promise that if nominated for the Court, that at my confirmation hearings I will continually refer to each of the gathered Senators as "Senator Weasel", except for Dianne Feinstein, to whom I shall refer to as "Senator Silky Drawers."

Barring that though, here is my latest list, sure to create immense controversy among legal experts who accidentally stumble across this blog trolling for pictures of Cameron Diaz in a minirobe and take the whole thing seriously. (I should add that yes, the mere mention of Cameron Diaz drives up the hits on this blog, which is why I chose her rather than Kirsten Dunst or Nicole Kidman.)


Earl Fando's Top Predictions for the Next U. S. Supreme Court Justice

Judge Ito - Remember the befuddled jurist from the O.J. Simpson trial? Neither do 80% of Americans, most of whom have engaged in at least one bout of binge drinking since then. Ito has significant legal experience, a dashing beard that gives him "gravitas" (Latin for "heavier-looking") and can bring his own judge's robe to the court, saving the U. S. Government a cool twenty bucks that it can put towards building even more useless bridges to isolated Alaskan islands. My top pick. Ito is Neato!

Dick Cheney - This pick would be deviously brilliant. It would clear the Vice Presidency for Condeleezza Rice, so she could make a run at the White House in 2008, and Democrats would likely go along with it on the grounds that Cheney's flimsy pacemaker is all that stands between him and a Democratic appointee in 2009, should they win.

What they don't know is that the Vice President has been secretly implanted with a titanium heart that will last a thousand years, meaning that, not only will he outlive youthful Senator Barrack Obama, but also his great-great-great-great grandchildren and their cyborg servants as well.

It helps if Cheney is leading the search committee for the next Justice. He does have a tendency to get himself into jobs that way.

Ozzie Guillen - Let's face it. President Bush is a baseball fan. Despite Guillen's Venezualan citizenship and some mild chumminess with Hugo "Fidelito" Chavez, the President will reason that any man capable of leading the Chicago White Sox to a four-game sweep of the World Series can lead the Supreme Court to a resounding victory. I'm not sure what victory that would be, but aside from that it's the most reasonable of my picks.

William Shatner - Captain Kirk on the Supreme Court? It could happen if Shatner's Emmy for Boston Legal translates into some insane notion that his role actually counts as significant legal experience. Just don't tell him how to read the decisions.

The deal gets clinched though if he wears the old gold-yellow Starfleet uniform while the Court is in session. Also, I'm told he knows a lot about law enforcement from his T.J. Hooker days. That shows you how much I know. I thought T.J. Hooker was a show about a prostitute.

Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie - Speaking of prostitutes...just kidding ladies! You're both charming and lovely and definitely not harlots. After all, you both work for Fox for heaven's sake!!!

Actually, what I was going to say was that the White House is clearly looking for a woman to succeed Sandra Day O'Connor, and most observers say a younger candidate would be able to stay on the Court longer and have more influence. The catch will be that these two will have to fight for it! (Somewhere, Conan O'Brien has just stumbled across this blog, read this passage, and reflexively makes the following involutary sound: RRRrooooowwwwwwwwllllll.)

This battle should keep the Judiciary Committee tied up for months, primarily overriding Feinstein's attempts to finish the catfight, I mean hearings, and move on. Bonus: Sponsored by Hardees! Each nominee will be required to carry a Monster Burger at all times.

Pele - The greatest footballer to every play, Pele would instantly help Bush sew up the support of Brazilian-American immigrants in America.

All right, it's a long shot, but who doesn't want to see the first Monday in October livened up with a little ball juggling and samba? Plus at the hearings, he'll drill Charlie Schumer and Orrin Hatch with a bicycle kick shots.

Bono - First he was suggested to head up the World Bank, then he was nominated for a Nobel Prize. Finally, someone will realize that Bono can bring a tremendous amount of serious volume to the High Court. He'll give the Court some "Elevation" and do it "In the Name of Love". President Bush, still haven't found what you're looking for? Then pick the Irish rocker who'll give the Supremes sartorial splendour by showing up in a leather judge's robe. Top that Souter!

David Letterman- Three words: "Stupid Pet Tricks". No court should be without them, much less the highest Court in all of the U.S. of A. Plus, that chick who throws off the sparks might show up, and wouldn't that be pretty cool. The bonus for this pick is that every session of the High Court is accompanied by the terrific sound of Paul Shaffer and the World's Most Dangerous Band. If Dave is appointed, my first prediction is that he throws out all highway speeding laws as unconstitutional.

Cher - "United States Supreme Court Justice Cher." Say it out loud. It makes me titter.

King Kong - This final choice is the perfect way to reach out to the animal rights crowd, and crack down on Senators giving the nominee a hard time:

Announcer: This is an NPR Radio Update. A key exchange in the U.S. Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Mr. K. Kong occurred in the Senate this morning.

Senator Biden: Mr. Kong, is it true that you once kidnapped a young blonde woman, carried her off into the jungle, and then, after she was rescued, stalked her all the way back to New York City, kidnapped her again and then carried her all the way to the top of the Empire State Building? Is this really the kind of behavior we want from a Justice of the United States Supreme Court? What do have to say for yourself?

Announcer: It was at this point that Senator Biden was eaten by Mr. Kong. Senators, shocked and upset by this incredible turn of events, responded immediately by rushing the nomination to the full Senate floor, where Mr. Kong was confirmed 99-0, with one Senator "abstaining due to being eaten by giant ape." This is NPR.


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