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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Tickle Me Elmo? Just not in public, man!

Elmo was arrested last week for harrassing people for "tips" outside of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

Yes, that Elmo; the furry red one with the annoying faux child voice, who is easily tickled (just try the link to see what I mean.) I've always found a Muppet who enjoys being touched to be very suspicious. Incidentally, this appears to not be Elmo's first run in with the law. He seems to have been involved in drug use, and even (gasp!) cannibalism.

I'm not at all sure about this last part. Since Elmo's is, technically, a monster, eating people would be simple murder and illegal devouring. To be a cannibal, Elmo would have to have eaten someone like The Cookie Monster or more likely Grover, who seems an easy target, even for a monster as susceptible to ticklish fits as Elmo.

I scored a brief intereview with the wayward Muppet by way of an old friendship with Animal, the drummer from The Muppet Show. Animal said that Elmo was very reluctant to speak with me on the phone, but changed his mind after Animal softened him up by performing the drum part from Rush's Tom Sawyer on his skull. One unfortunate side-effect of this persuasion was that Elmo was somewhat incoherent.


Earl: Elmo, could you tell me about your run in with the police last week?

Elmo: Ha, ha, ha! I don't like to. It depresses me. Ha, ha, ha!!

Earl: Is someone tickling you there, Elmo?

Elmo: No, I was just adjusting myself and that gets me every time.

Earl: Pardon me, but...

Elmo: I was adjusting my foam nose. It always feels like it's about to fall off.

Earl: Oh...never mind then. Now, about that run in with the police.

Elmo: Well, if you must ask... I was streetwalking with Big Bird on Hollywood Avenue, when...

Earl: Wait a moment. You were what? Streetwalking?

Elmo: Yes, streetwalking. Picking up customers.

Earl: You're kidding, right?

Elmo: No, of course not. We walk up and down the street and people come up and have their picture taken with us.

Earl: Ah, yes. Of course. That's what I thought you... ahem...meant.

Elmo: Anyway, one of these johns tips me with Canadian money. I mean, come on, Canada's a nice place and all - great bacon - but a Looney is worth what these days, two bits?

Earl: Sixpence at best, I suppose...

Elmo: So I politely ask if this creep, with his "I love Stallone" shirt and the Mickey Mouse hat, wouldn't mind laying on some American money, or at least some yen, Sterling, or Euros? He started laughing and saying, "Oooh, look! I made little Elmo angry." Not a good move as in person I'm 6' 5" and weigh about 280 pounds.

Earl: You do look much smaller on Sesame Street.

Elmo: Special effects. So, the guy keeps laughing and I tell him exactly where he can stick his Canadian coinage.

Earl: I'm guessing it wasn't exactly "The word of the day."

Elmo: You got that right, buddy. The guy keeps laughing and saying things like, "What a pottymouth little Elmo has!" So, I knifed him.

Earl: You what?!?

Elmo: I stuck him in the gut with a stiletto. Actually, I didn't have a blade on me. Fortunately, Big Bird is always packin'.

Earl: You got the knife from Big Bird?

Elmo: Hey, the guy should just be glad The Birdman didn't pass me his Glock.

Earl: I see. Tell me, at what point did you and Mr. Bird realize that this oddly dressed gentleman was an undercover police officer?

Elmo: Unfortunately, that was right after I stuck him a second time. How was I to know? Anyway, he was rileing me and my friend. It was entrapment all the way. He had it coming. I was stressed. My parts on Sesame Street have been getting smaller. Tickle Me Elmo isn't exactly flying off the shelves anymore. I'm hitting teenhood. My voice is changing. I'm going to wind up as dead as The Cookie Monster.

Earl: But surely The Cookie Monster isn't dead.

Elmo: Have you seen him, lately? Ever since they put him on that low-cookie diet, he's been looking more and more like Grover, only with large skin flaps. Anyway, where was I?

Earl: Making pointless excuses for your act of random violence against one of Hollywood's finest?

Elmo: Oh, yeah! Right! I was framed! I've been hallucinating lately! My cat had kittens! My VW Bug had a flat!! George W. Bush made me do it!! Howard Dean told me it would get me the California Senate seat!! I was confused by the Superman with the gap tooth in front of the Kodak Theatre!! Tom Cruise tried to audit me!!! Katie Holmes is havng my baby!!! It wasn't my fault!!!!

Earl: Wasn't that a variation on the Belushi bit from The Blues Brothers?

Elmo: Worked for him didn't it?

Earl: I expect you'll get 10 - 20 in Lompoc.


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