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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Bond, Jane Bond

I think they should have hired Yvonne Craig (Batgirl from the 60's Batman series) to play Bond, at least she's more of a man than the current choice. Daniel Craig in an interview with OK! magazine, obviously another group of dimwits, has revealed that he hates guns and obviously doesn't have any idea what a martini is. Craig admits, "I hate handguns. Handguns are used to shoot people and as long as they are around, people will shoot each other." Now, we here at DOUI in no way want to glorify guns and violence but, YOU'RE GOING TO BE BOND MAN, WAKE UP!!! Even if you don't like handguns, just don't bring it up or put the question off. This would be like Sean Connery saying he was lukewarm about women or that he fancied wearing the occasional brassiere.

Later in the interview, Craig says he likes his martinis "straight up". I'm not a alcoholic beverage expert but I can't even understand what he means. From what I'm told, a martini is usually made up of two things, gin (or vodka in Bond's case) and vermouth. Where is the "straight up" there? He doesn't add the vermouth? That's just called "vodka" for your information Daniel. When I first heard that the guy was going to be Bond I didn't know it was going to be a kinder, gentler Bond. We thought George Lazenby was a mistake, just imagine what a Bond who hates guns and can't concoct a martini would be like. (begin wavy dream lines)

Casino Royale

James Bond - Daniel Craig
Agent Q - John Cleese

Int. MI-6 Q Branch Day

Q: Ah James, good to see you again.

Bond: Q, always a pleasure. What have you got for me?

Q: (lifting a flower out of a vase) There you go 007.

Bond: (examining flower) What is it Q? Does it explode or shoot a steam of acid?

Q: No James, it's a flower. You smell it...(quietly to himself) or you stick it in a gun barrel ya pansy.

Bond: Thanks Q, this should come in handy. What else do you have?

Q: Well James we've updated your car to fit the specifications you asked for. Here it is, (painfully) your VW Bug.

Bond: Oooo, you got powder blue.

(Q rubs his eyes and looks like someone shot his dog)

Q: Yes, and we made sure it had restraints for your poodle.

Bond: Oh, Mr. Twinkles will love it so.

Q: (mockingly as only Cleese can) Oh goody!
Well James before you go would you like a drink?

Bond: Q, you're a man after my own heart.

(Bond drinks the martini and spits it out)

Bond: You know I don't like my martinis stirred Q. Now, please make me one straight up.

Q: (grabbing Bond by the shoulders and kneeing him in the groin) WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can see failure written all over the new Bond. Do you think they can bring back George?


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