Total Absurdity...One Magazine's Attempt to Discredit Themselves in a Single Swoop.

The British film magazine Total Film has decided to go totally barmy by releasing their list of the Top 100 films of all time. Judging from the list, it was assembled by dead woodpeckers whose bodies were randomly thrown at open copies of Leonard Maltin's Movie and Video Guide, like so many darts in a seedy pub.

According to the dead woodpeckers, the greatest film of all time is... GoodFellas.

Now that you've regained consciousness, allow me to repeat that. According to the public school geek club masquerading as sophisticated film writers at Total Film, Martin Scorcese's GoodFellas is the greatest film in the history of the world.

Not Citizen Kane (although it did make the list or there would have been violence), not La Grande Illusion, not The 400 Blows, not Seven Samurai, not La Strada, not L'Avventura, not Andrei Rublev, not Aguirre der Zorn Gottes, not Rashomon, not The Passion of Joan of Arc, not La Terra Trema, not Psycho, not Les Enfants du paradis, not The Bicycle Thief, not Potemkin, not Earth, not The Third Man, not The Seventh Seal, ...I can see you've passed out again. I'll wait for you.

...not The Searchers, not It's A Wonderful Life, not Sunset Boulevard, not Raging Bull, not The Shop on Main Street, not Pather Panchali, not The General, not Greed, not Rules of the Game, not L'Atalante, not Ugetsu Monogatari, not Ashes and Diamonds, not...you can see where I'm going with this by now, yes?

Here are some other films on the top 10 of all time list:

3. Jaws
4. Fight Club
8. The Empire Strikes Back

Fight Club? Fight Club?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Please consider this sequence of question marks and exclamation points to be an infinite series.) Fight Club wasn't even the best movie of the year in which it came out. If I'm not mistaken, there are Pauly Shore films that can hold their ground with Fight Club.

All right, I completely overreached there on the Pauly Shore films, but the rest of my arguement is completely sound. You can see what a tizzy this whole thing has me in. A list of the top 10 films of all time with Fight Club in it, much less at #4, is not only a list never to be taken seriously; it is a list to be rhetorically stomped upon the way you would stomp upon a venomous spider had it chanced to taken up residence in your loo. After which, you would blow up the tiny, squashed carcass with napalm and bury it in a dung pile. The list, I mean, not the spider.

Who are the minds, juvenile and drug-addled as they seem to be, who came up with this list? What other lists could these twits be producing? (Cut to over-produced dream sequence with special effects by the people who brought you Robot Monster, probably #89 on Total Film's list, based on their current form:)

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Total Film's Top 10 actors of all time:

1. Victor Mature
2. Gene Rayburn
3. Lassie (Hey, he was a boy but he portrayed a girl, and much more convincingly than Dustin Hoffman did in Tootsie!)
4. Laurence Olivier (The publisher made us put him on the list.)
5. Buddy Hackett
6. Gurn Blanston
7. Toshiro Mifune (We don't know what he was in, but it does make us sound knowledgable, doesn't it? Was it a Godzilla pic?)
8. Tom Arnold
9. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. Arnold the Pig (He just beat out Arnold from Happy Days.)