It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Get So Bored Sometimes...

Some days, try as I might, I cannot find the strength to be funny.

Those of you who are muttering to yourselves, "That would be everyday," can go take a long bounce off a short couch.

Anyway, some days a person's just tired. No matter how many loopy things Tom Cruise says or does, no matter how many young actresses he impregnates in a desperate attempt to halt the rumours about his sexual preference ("See that people! I'm crazy about women! And without the use of psychotherapy, I might add!!"), no matter how many lame excuses Oprah gives for not marrying Steadman ("He won't sign the pre-nup!"), no matter how many strange Halloween costumes the novelty industry creates (I hear the "Stew Miller: Blogger" costume is coming out soon. It's a golf shirt with a plastic keyboard and computer mouse stapled to it), no matter how much money Peter Jackson spends to remake King Kong a third time (not counting Son of Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and King Kong versus Godzilla), you just can't bring yourself to draw attention to the silliness inherent in all these things every single day.

Well...actually I am reminded that King Kong versus Godzilla is a very silly movie. The most obvious flaw in the film is that in the original King Kong film, the astounding ape was only 40 feet tall. Whereas, Godzilla, in his original film, was a 400 feet tall super-dinosaur. Obviously this makes for a rather one-sided battle, wherein King Kong fares little better against the "King of the Monsters" than Bambi did (See: Bambi Meets Godzilla). How to keep America's number one monster from being a stain on the bunions of Tokyo's top lizard? Feed King Kong growth hormones that make him the exact size of Godzilla. After that, it's all giant-sized Japanese professional wrestling.

Personally, I wished they had used the same solution in the original Americanized version of Godzilla. Raymond Burr could have taken 'Zilla, even with the atomic breath going against him. Plus, it would have been pretty awesome to see Perry Mason shambling through a balsa wood and papier-mache replica of Yokohama. "Your honour, this overgrown lizard is a menace to socie...Oops, sorry about that, I just trod on Yamashita Park!" Oh, the missed opportunities of the cinema!

Perhaps the new King Kong could end with a battle between Kong and a giant-sized Jackson? Talk about the fur flying.

Where was I? Ah yes, some days I'm just bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

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